This time of year is all about being with family, eating big meals, decorating the tree with loved ones, and panicking over a stupid Elf doll for 24 nights straight.
Modern parenthood has been besieged by a holiday phenomenon known as Elf on the Shelf. To know him is to hate him. He’s here to watch your kids and report any bad behavior back to Santa, but he’s also here to low-key ruin your life for a month, because coming up with fun and creative ways for him to pop up every morning during what’s arguably the most stressful month of the year is now a parental expectation. So let these funny tweets turn your tears of Elf terror into tears of laughter. Because that (and alcohol) is our only hope of surviving this shit.
1. Calm. Down.
Parents, it's called Elf on the Shelf, not Elf on the Zipline Made of Licorice That Ends in a Punchbowl Full of Mini Marshmallows, you assholes.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 2, 2017
We all have that one friend (or six) who goes a teeny bit overboard with the Elf. Stop it. You’re making the rest of us look terrible when we just toss it up on the kitchen lighting fixture and call it a day.
2. *slowly raises hand*
I’m sorry, is there another reason to do the Elf that I’m unaware of? Do people actually find it fun?
3. Nailed it.
"The Elf on the Shelf is watching," only works when you're home and he costs $30.
"Santa is watching," works anywhere and he costs $0.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) December 2, 2017
You could blow $30 of your precious Target budget on a felt Elf that you have to dream up 24 nights’ worth of magical scenarios for, or stick with the time-tested classic. Seems like the latter will give you more time for wine and Netflix. Just saying.
I thought I was having a bad morning & then remembered that some people have to wake up with that Elf on the Shelf.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 3, 2017
I currently have a puppy waking me pre-dawn every morning in addition to my usual mom mania. If I had to remember to move a damn Elf in the midst of it all, I might end up jumping into the sea.
5. Over it.
Say Elf on the Shelf one more time
— momma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) December 3, 2017
The parents who start it any earlier than December 1st — who hurt you? It’s only December 8th and we’re all over it.
6. Now THIS we would buy.
An Elf on the Shelf that screams OH MY GOD I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN PLEASE STOP YOU'RE KILLING ME every time it hears your kid whine.
— The Dad (@thedad) November 29, 2016
If we want to make the experience realistic, let’s go for broke, parents. A screaming Elf to terrify your child into calming the hell down sounds like heaven. I’ll take three.
7. Oh no, he’s lost!
One too many nights with that weird little doll staring at you is enough to make any parent crack. Sorry, kiddo.
8. The fear is real.
My baby is recovering from open heart surgery but I just woke up in a full blown panic that I forgot to move my toddler’s elf on the shelf.
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) December 7, 2017
Forgetting to move the Elf is the new “nightmare about taking a test you never studied for.” And it sucks.
9. Make it work for you.
Get your kids to stay in bed by taping a walkie talkie to your elf on the shelf's back and whispering, "He sees you when you're sleeping."
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) November 23, 2016
If you’re stuck with this tiny, felt piece of shit for a month, may as well reap some benefits. Go to bed, OVER.
10. So liberating.
Unfollowing everyone who posts elf on the shelf pictures is time consuming, but highly satisfying.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) December 4, 2017
Tired of seeing Stephanie from high school posting pics of Elf cities made of Rice Krispie treats? Unfollow without a shred of guilty. She deserves it, TBH.
I thought the point of Elf on the Shelf was to scare kids? It seems more like parents are the scared ones – scared of forgetting to move the stupid thing!
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 5, 2017
The kids are living a December of absolute enchantment while their parents panic at 2am. Such fun.
12. Great list.
Elf on the Shelf Placement Ideas
• bottom of a trashcan
• inside a lit fireplace
• in a hole dug in the yard
• left unpurchased in the store
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) December 4, 2017
We’re on board with all these ideas, especially the last one. That’s $30 that could be spent on wine and chicken nuggets.
My kids are smart, but not “able to recognize that the elf on the shelf is a lifeless doll” smart.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 3, 2017
Considering they also believe a fat man in a red suit squeezes his booty down 80 million chimneys in one night, thinking an Elf doll comes to life isn’t such a stretch.
14. Life comes at you fast.
Before kids: Loses sleep worrying about the existence of God and the purpose of life.
After kids: Loses sleep worrying about not moving the elf.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) November 29, 2017
Our brain space is now fully occupied by Elf worry. This is your life now. Embrace it.
15. Safe AF.
5-year-old: How come Elf on the Shelf is at other people's houses but not ours?
Me: We have better locks.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
Happy Elfing, parents!