Santa From ‘Elf’ Is Kinda The Worst

Elf is the quintessential Christmas comfort movie. It’s hilariously iconic and entirely perfect; it’s one that I am happy to watch over and over and over. Will Ferrell brings so much joy in his portrayal of Buddy the Elf, the movie’s endearingly clueless protagonist. You can’t help but root for Buddy as he reconnects with his Dad (James Caan), falls in love with Jovie (Zooey Deschanel), and spreads Christmas cheer throughout New York City.

Some of the film’s most memorable funny moments all stem from Buddy’s hopelessly naive, but well-intended, actions. Like the time he gave festive lingerie to his dad because it was meant for a “special someone,” or when he handed his stepmom (Mary Steenburgen) a Ziploc bag full of syrupy spaghetti for an on-the-go meal. And let’s not forget the part where Buddy sings “Baby It’s Cold Outside” along with Jovie as she showers in the women's locker room, which in any other scenario would have been creepy AF.

However, on my recent rewatch of Elf, I discovered the movie’s true antagonist. The person who could have helped Buddy’s transition into the real world go a whole lot smoother: Santa Claus (Ed Asner). The more I think about it, the more I start to realize that Santa was low-key rude for sending Buddy to New York City, a notoriously difficult place to live, with very little preparation. So, please allow me to misquote Buddy in saying: “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is by complaining loud for all to hear.”

A Human In An Elf’s World

First, let’s look at how Buddy came to live at the North Pole. Santa arrives at the orphanage where a baby Buddy is living, having been given up for adoption by his mother. Buddy crawls into Santa’s bag when Santa is busy eating cookies — way to pay attention, Santa! And I’ll suspend my disbelief when my anxious postpartum brain thinks of the potential suffocation risk of Santa’s bag. (I know, I know! It’s a movie, not real life!!)

My main beef with Santa here pertains to his response in discovering Buddy upon his return home. Rather than return Buddy to the orphanage, Santa assumed the role of family court judge. It was nice of Papa Elf (Bob Newhart) to take Buddy in, but did someone tell the nuns that Buddy was adopted, or did they just think a baby went missing while under their care? Some poor nun probably had to file a police report that Christmas!

Though Buddy was raised in a magical and loving environment, there were drawbacks to being a human in an elf’s world. He didn’t have suitable spaces to sleep and bathe, he looked different from the other kids at school, and felt like a real cotton-headed ninny-muggins because his toymaking talents were lacking.

Santa, or Papa Elf even, could have told Buddy the truth to spare him the shock of overhearing the news himself. But, I’m letting Papa Elf off the hook here because he, unlike Santa, did not have experience with the human world like Santa did.

A Throne of Lies

Before sending him on his way to New York City, Santa offered three measly pieces of advice: don’t eat gum on the street, how to determine which Ray’s pizza is authentic, and to avoid “peep shows,” as “that doesn’t mean they’re letting you look at the new toys before Christmas.”

But Buddy would have benefited from a lecture or two from Santa on general safety rules. Like, he should have been warned about the feral nature of raccoons. It's a wonder that Buddy didn’t get seriously injured after running into the street and getting hit by a taxi.

What’s more is that Buddy went alone to the Big Apple with only a snow globe to guide him. Santa didn’t think to hook Buddy up with some cash, or a place to stay, or a change of clothes, or at least a damn MetroCard and GPS!

Still, Buddy succeeded in finding his father, getting a job, and decorating at a department store — all within 24 hours. Impressive. Buddy succeeded despite his lack of preparation because he is magical and can somehow survive only on a diet of used gum, cotton balls, and excessive amounts of sugar.

A missed opportunity was Santa’s lack of forewarning to Buddy that he might encounter some Santa impostors. All Santa needed to do was say, “Just so you know, there are a lot of people who dress up like me. It's nothing to worry about, so please don't make a scene where you'll traumatize a bunch of kids, and then get arrested and banned from a department store that you’ll later return to because you don’t understand what a restraining order is!!”

Seriously, would that have been so difficult, Santa?!

Still — all of these snafus set the story into motion and give viewers fun moments of Buddy the Elf trying his best to assimilate into the human world. Absolutely nothing needs to be changed about this perfect Christmas masterpiece. But, I’ll still be left wondering how in the world Buddy fared despite getting basically zero help from Santa.