The complexities of the maternal sex drive and its characteristic traits have mystified paleosexologists (not to mention eager-beaver spouses) since the first Homo habilis wanted to get busy and his mate suggested he acquaint himself with his opposable thumb instead. Recently, however, teams of researchers have finally been able to piece together the five key phases of Modern Mom’s sex drive as she adapts to her ever-changing environment.
1. Not Yet a Mom
Roughly spanning the years between the Third Date and Before Kids, this period (aka the Honeymoon Era) is marked by spontaneous bursts of “God, I want you NOW!” and keen interest in the The Kama Sutra, Magic Mike, and multiple shades of grey.
Tools and Artifacts: handcuffs, massage oil, “clothing” marked with a large pink VS
2. Wannabe Mom
Coinciding with the Cohabitation/Marriage Era, in this phase of development we see a substantial decrease in spontaneity and a corresponding increase in highly scheduled, results-driven activity. Language shifts significantly among wannabe moms, as purring, “Oh yeah, let’s do it,” becomes, “I’m ovulating! LET’S DO IT! NOW NOW NOW!”
Tools and Artifacts: ovulation kit, iCal marked “TONIGHT!” at 30-day intervals
3. ‘You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!’ Mom
The first of several distinct stages in the Post-Baby Epoch, this period (aka the Ice Age) is identified by a heavy freeze on all activity until the new mom is certain it won’t hurt like a mofo. Attempts to thaw relations prematurely, because “C’mon babe, I haven’t had sex in ages!” are typically met with “Are you kidding me?!” and an icy suggestion to “go whittle your spear.” Paleosexologists differ on duration of the Ice Age. Some maintain it persists just a few months while others insist it can last till the “baby” finishes medical school. Interestingly, the freeze appears to thaw faster in regions where dads take on 50% or more of baby-care duties without being nagged.
Tools and Artifacts: premium personal lubricant for him, YouPorn bookmarks
4. Exhausted Mom
The middle era of the Post-Baby Epoch is the first time a new mom might dimly recall that she actually likes sex; she just can’t keep her eyes open long enough to participate. The only thing that turns her on now is the thought of 8 to 10 consecutive, uninterrupted hours of sleep.
Tools and Artifacts: earplugs, sleep mask
5. Digital Mom
The twin discoveries of the DVR and the ability to fill a Netflix queue with kiddie cartoons marks a fundamental shift in Modern Mom’s sex drive, as she suddenly finds herself with a full 24 minutes at a time in which small humans are not hanging off her or screaming in her face. Some paleosexologists believe this is where siblings originate.
Tools and Artifacts: TV or tablet, Video on Demand subscription, bedroom door lock
Which mom are you?
Excerpted with permission from SCIENCE OF PARENTHOOD: Thoroughly Unscientific Explanations for Utterly Baffling Parenting Situations (She Writes Press). Buy the book for more hilariousness!