Oh, my dear sweet child. If only I knew the things that I know now. You were my first child, and to be perfectly honest, I had no idea what I was doing. I had to learn it all with you. After all, you are the reason I became a mother. And for that I am so grateful.
You were so small yet you taught me so much about being a mom. I’m sorry that you were at the center of all of my trials and errors. I wanted so much to get it right. I think my expectations of you when you were that small were unrealistic. I spent so much time worrying that you weren’t getting enough sleep and that maybe you weren’t developing properly because of something I was doing wrong that, often, I didn’t allow myself to just enjoy the the simplicity of you as a baby. You were our first. Never again will I get the chance to do that over. I’m sorry for that.
I wish I had spent less time focusing on the things you weren’t doing and more time on what you were doing. You grew so fast. One minute I was rocking you to sleep in my arms, and then I blinked and you were off to preschool. Where did the time go?
I think what I’m sad for, most of all, is that you weren’t able to understand. The road was paved with good intentions. My head and my heart were always in the right place. I only wanted the best for you and still do. I probably hovered a bit too much and pored over the smallest fall or scrape. But I wanted to keep you healthy and safe so you could grow up to be healthy and strong.
Sometimes, I wish I could go back and do it all again. I want to go back and cherish those moments. The moments I lost, stressing and worrying. The moments I spent crying because you wouldn’t sleep. The moments I felt like I was failing because I was so unsure of the future. What I know now is, all of that time I spent worrying, stressing and crying was in vain.
Despite myself, you turned out to be an amazing child, more than I could have ever imagined. And as I sit here and hold you, I squeeze you just a little bit tighter and close my eyes as if I’m trying to mentally capture this moment forever. Because I know this will likely be the last week we have as just “us.” You see, your little brother will be joining us soon, and you will have to start sharing Mommy a little more.
Just know that I love you so, so much. That will never change. You will always be my first child, my first little love, and nothing will take that away. I am so proud of the boy you are and can’t wait to see the man you become. You are going to be an incredible example for your little brother, and I couldn’t be more proud.
The truth is, my sweet child, you will always be my first child. You will always be the one who teaches me how to be the best mom that I can be. You will always be my first baby—always. That will never change. You will pave the road for your younger siblings. That is a big job, I know. But we still have so many firsts ahead of us now. And no matter how many times I feel like I’m failing, I am able to just look at you and know that somehow, some way, I must be doing something right.
“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.” (Robert Munsch)