Laundry is the stuff of nightmares when you’re a parent. It literally never ends because however progressive our society has become, it’s still unacceptable to send your kids to school naked and thusly, you’ll be doing tons of laundry every week for the next several years.
Before you have kids, you sit there all adorably pregnant folding teeny outfits and putting them in that as-yet-unscratched-by-evil-toddlers dresser in the nursery. You can’t possibly imagine how the care and keeping of those teeny outfits is going to monopolize your life for the next 18 years to come. But it will. Trust me. And don’t just take my word for it, let the funny parents of Twitter school you on the unrelenting hell that is laundry when you have kids.
Hey baby it’s Friday night, why don’t you get into something more comfortable that you can wear all weekend because we have no laundry left.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) January 30, 2016
A funny thing happens when you work and take care of your kids all week; you spend the weekend in that shitty t-shirt from your husband’s company softball tournament seven years ago and a pair of shorts that sport a hole in your special place.
My family crest is just a big pile of dirty laundry.
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) March 27, 2015
The song of my people is the agitator in the washing machine. And it plays eternally.
3. *Lights match*
Sometimes when I do laundry I pretend the detergent is gasoline to make self feel better & also to prep for the day I burn this mother down.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 29, 2016
Practice makes perfect. And fantasizing about burning shit sure seems like a healthy coping mechanism. Whatever works!
4. Death, taxes and laundry.
a fun thing about being a parent is when people ask “where do you see yourself in 5 yrs?” you can confidently answer “folding laundry”
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) April 18, 2016
Parenting and laundry are like peas and carrots. Or love and marriage. Or your husband and habitual misuse of the heavy duty cycle.
5. Sorting is for quitters.
Teens had laundry duty for the last 2 weeks… All our whites are greyish pink and I just removed a fucking alpaca from the lint trap.
— Rachel (@Rachelnoise) February 5, 2014
Having your own alpaca would be kinda boss though, no?
6. Don’t. Move.
*walks into room
*sees wife folding laundry
*checks to see if she’s seen me
*slowly, quietly backs out of room
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 17, 2016
My husband and I have actual weeks-long Mexican stand-offs over who will fold and put away the laundry. It’s a hill I am willing to die on. A hill made of fucking laundry.
I bought my son a clothes hamper & then we laughed & laughed & he continued to throw his clothes on the floor.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 4, 2016
At least you can say you tried.
8. Brb, praying for the rapture.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) October 10, 2013
It will literally be the first thing I give up on.
9. Thanks, buddy.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 11, 2015
When your kids want to “help,” just pour wine and rub your temples slowly. Accept it. Embrace it.
10. 99% effective.
Laundry Day is my Birth Control.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) September 20, 2011
Just remember that every person you add to your family is another several piles of laundry to put away every single day until they move out. Just saying.
11. Yeah, no.
“Tumble dry low. Cool iron.”
Only one of these things is gonna happen. Let’s guess which.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) January 17, 2016
Slow your roll there, clothing labels. I’m not even sure I still own an iron. I might have purged it during a feng shui fit in 2003.
12. Does…does that work?
5yo: Instead of putting my laundry away I’m just going to hate it.
— keith (@tchrquotes) June 4, 2014
This kid is on my wavelength but maybe if we hate hard enough, it will all set itself on fire.
13. If you only knew.
40yo Me: “And sometimes you’ll get up at 6am on Sunday just to do laundry!”
16yo Me: “Whatever.”
*pops in New Kids cassette, sprays bangs
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 5, 2016
Your teenage self would be purely horrified at your adult delight when given a few hours of silence to bang out a few loads. Crank the New Kids while you fold. Best of both worlds.