Parenting and coffee: they’re inextricably linked. Sure, there are those who somehow survive without it (who hurt you?) but for most of us, dealing with kids is borderline impossible in its absence. They keep you up all night and then wake before it’s even light out. They tell you at 9:00 pm that they need three dozen cupcakes for a school function the next day. They exist. That’s reason enough to hook yourself up to a caffeine IV every morning.
We love our kids and want to be our best selves for them. Coffee gives us that extra boost so we can soldier on and hopefully, not have a complete breakdown before 9:00 am. The funny parents of Twitter understand the struggle and capture our feelings for java in these tweets about the love affair between parents and that caffeinated goodness.
1. Seems like a fair trade.
"Is a child not worth more than a cup of coffee?" I ask the barista when I realize I left my wallet at home and she refuses my trade.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) January 23, 2015
One kid should be worth like, a few week’s worth of coffees. At least.
2. Oh. That’s thoughtful.
Don't worry daddy, I got up early so you wouldn't have to be lonely while you had coffee.
-The most adorable way to ruin a morning ever.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 26, 2015
It’s only the most important part of a parent’s day. Those few moments of precious silence. But by all means, kids. Fill us with guilt about wanting to be alone with our sacred mug.
3. We’ve all been there.
Bringing your coffee around in a Buzz Lightyear sippy cup is a great alternative for when you've run out of clean travel mugs and dignity.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 13, 2015
Desperate times, you guys. And to be honest, does the vessel that magic drink comes in even matter? I’d drink it from just about anything but a toilet plunger.
4. There’s rules, OK?
Don't talk to me until I've had my tea, breakfast, second breakfast, read the whole Internet twice, and given you the Bat signal.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) August 25, 2015
Tea, coffee, doesn’t make a difference. We need our time to go through all of Facebook, Buzzfeed, Instagram and Twitter with a hot beverage in hand. Then, the Bat signal. Then, words may come out of your mouth.
5. A little harsh, but it had to be said.
"Spill my coffee again, I'll chop your hands off and feed them to passing pigeons" and other sweet nothings I whisper to my kids before 9am.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 12, 2015
They flail around carelessly not realizing the irreparable harm they could cause. What if it spills and a refill isn’t readily available? All threats are reasonable here. No fellow parent will judge you.
Parenting is pretty much just microwaving coffee until it's time to switch to wine.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) August 24, 2015
Keep reheating that sludge. Pretty soon, you can trade it for a much prettier container full of something even better. Hang in there!
7. They say the sweetest things.
6yo: Why do Moms always say they need coffee?
Me: Because we have kids.
6yo: Well, you have bad breath, too.
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) February 23, 2016
We know coffee doesn’t make us smell fresh as daisies, but it’s a necessary sacrifice and if they knew what was good for them, they’d inhale that coffee breath and LIKE IT.
8. That’s a strong argument.
My kids fighting over a phone charger at 6am is why this coffee should be wine.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 25, 2016
Does anything make you want to pop open a bottle of wine more than hearing your kids whine? But at 6:00 am, it kind of has to be coffee. Pity.
9. Life’s big questions.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
7yo: What didn't you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) February 9, 2016
We drank it before you were born. We guzzled it after. Mostly, to deal with things like people trying to chat us up while we pee.
10. Just keeping it real.
4 year old: daddy why do you need coffee
[patting him on the head] because you're exhausting af
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) September 4, 2015
You could give some long, drawn-out explanation. But that would require a lot more coffee.
11. Put your game face on.
*stirs coffee with knife*
"Let's do this"
*wakes kids for school*
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 11, 2015
It’s the mom version of “liquid courage”.