We’re in the thick of fall, parents. And you know what that means — apple picking, pumpkin patches, and corn mazes.
It also means tantrums because your kid can’t find a perfect pumpkin, tantrums because you won’t let your preschooler scale an apple tree, and tantrums because your toddler doesn’t want to leave the corn maze.
Don’t get us wrong, fall does include some fun, but like anything else with kids, it includes some misery too. Good thing we have the funny parents of Twitter to make us laugh through the nonsense.
1. Like, anything else.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 4, 2017
We could go get the oil changed on both cars. Or attend a round of kiddie birthday parties. Or attend a round of kiddie birthday parties with no alcohol.
2. They learn eventually.
"I really like our fall wreath this year"
Is a thing I instinctively say because I'm finally getting good at marriage.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 11, 2017
When you see her at the kitchen table, fake foliage flying, furiously glue-gunning, just stand back and prepare your thoughtful remarks. It’s for everyone’s sake.
3. Resistance is futile.
Don't waste money on seasonal horseshit
Don't waste money on seasonal horseshit
Don't waste m- omg look jack-o-lantern tea towels!
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 13, 2017
I’ve seriously considered investing in a set of horse blinders so I can confidently stride past the dollar section and not buy a whole set of scarecrow-patterned cloth napkins I’ll literally never use.
4. That shit is so seasonal.
These pictures of my kids at the pumpkin patch look like a lot of screaming and crying, but in an Autumn setting.
— ☠Mommy Cusses☠ (@mommy_cusses) October 7, 2017
Nothing says family fun like a sobbing baby propped up against a display of gourds. *Click.*
5. Like watching paint dry.
For a kid who thinks cowboy boots and swim trunks are a good combination, my 4yo sure is meticulous about picking which pumpkin to take home
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) October 12, 2017
They’ll eat a fruit snack covered in sock lint and dog fur, but no pumpkin meets their exacting standards. Of course.
Took my son to the apple orchard and pumpkin patch. Bringing things home to rot is now a family tradition.
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@sip_at_home_mom) October 12, 2017
Every year, we throw out the rotting produce. Ever year, we buy it all over again. Definition of insanity, thy name is parenting.
7. Not all of us are participators.
Friend: "I love decorating for Halloween."
Me [thinking of lone, uncarved pumpkin on front porch]: "Me too."
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) October 26, 2016
I typically buy several pumpkins and never end up carving them, so there’s that.
8. Not a word.
Don't talk to me before I've had my coffee and leggings and infinity scarf and fall-themed outing documented on Instagram and secret car cry
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 10, 2017
It’s an exhausting and multi-step process convincing your social media following that you fucking love fall. Let the process work.
9. Thanks, global warming.
All these adorable flannel shirts just collecting dust while our tank tops go into overtime, but at least we have ice cream.
10. Welcome to the future, y’all.
With today's youth you have to clarify that apple picking does not mean you're taking them to the Apple Store to pick out an iPhone.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) October 12, 2017
Choose your wording carefully, parents. Very very carefully.
11. A damn bargain.
My kid wants $20 to go through a corn maze with his friends, which is $20 more than I normally pay to walk through vegetables.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 29, 2017
But you could be kid-free for ages until he finds his way out of that corn maze, so really, this is the deal of the century.
12. Yes, but was he wearing an infinity scarf while eating it?
The pet store had pumpkin spice bones. Good cuz previously my dog could not even.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) September 22, 2017
Because every family member should be included in the festive fun.
Happy Fall, parents!