Get out your fat pants and stock up on alcohol — it’s time for family, food and fun. But let’s be honest —how much fun can a parent really have on Thanksgiving?
Sure, there will be some bright spots — football, turkey, a few glasses of wine. But your kids will still be picky eaters. Only now instead of refusing your food, they can reject Aunt Karen’s green bean casserole, mortally offending her for the rest of the day. They’re cranky and tired from travel and screwy sleep schedules, so tantrums abound. They’re hyper and excited because it’s almost time for the stupid fucking Elf on the Shelf. Compound all of this by the fact that the grandparents are filling them up with sugary garbage, and it adds up to a day that’s pretty much ridiculous. Luckily, we the funny parents of Twitter have plenty to say about the exquisite torture of Thanksgiving with kids.
1. They literally don’t give a shit.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) November 16, 2016
In the face of an elaborate feast, your kids will still want their old standbys. Fire up the Easy Mac, Nana. They don’t give a single shit about your sweet potato pie.
Thanksgiving is a sweet day where my kids scream for hrs while I cook & then my 4 yo announces at the table that Grandma Edna smells funny.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) November 16, 2016
Clear your plate for a hefty helping of humiliation this holiday season! If you have a preschooler, the whole table will get to hear that mommy and daddy “wrestle” on Sunday mornings and lock the bedroom door. Bring extra wine. Trust us.
3. Nobody has to know.
“How do you make your gravy?”
Oh it’s so complicated. You wouldn’t understand the recipe, I say, discreetly knocking the can into the trash
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) November 16, 2016
‘Tis the season for lying about your culinary prowess. Wear a cute apron and no one will question you. I speak from experience.
4. Drawstrings are Bae.
The best part of Thanksgiving is changing back into my pajamas after wearing real clothes for an hour at dinner.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) November 26, 2015
Asking me to wear pants with a zipper on Thanksgiving is more offensive than turning down my patented Stuffin’ Muffins. Just don’t.
5. Mommy’s thankful for vodka.
Make a “thankful tree” so you can burst a blood vessel waiting for your child to come up with something to write on a paper leaf.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) November 16, 2016
Holy shit, kid. You’re not applying for college. Just write “my iPad” and call it a day.
6. And wine.
Him: It’s not your turn.
H: How about you, Sh-
H: Not yet!
H: Fine. Jen, what’re you thankf–
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@sip_at_home_mom) November 16, 2016
We just really love wine is all.
Driving hrs to see inlaws,spending an entire day making a feast my kids will gag over,then cleaning?
Of course I’m excited ab Thanksgiving!
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) November 16, 2016
Thanksgiving can join the list of other shit that used to be fun and fulfilling until you had kids who managed to whine and complain every step of the way. #Blessed.
8. They’re lying.
Just heard someone on TV say they “enjoy the company of family during the holidays”. Starting to think I’ve been doing it wrong.
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) November 14, 2016
Post-election, lots of us are in for somewhat uncomfortable holiday dinners. “Enjoy” may be a bit strong of a word to describe fighting with your racist uncle about what constitutes a hate crime. Again, be liberal with the wine.
9. All the way to rock-bottom.
Lower your expectations for a relaxing Thanksgiving.
Yes. Right there.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) November 16, 2016
Try not to envy your child-free siblings as they sprawl out on the couch watching football and eating pie while you try to coax your toddler out of yet another tantrum. Someday you’ll get to relax too. Like in 15 years, but still. It’s coming.
10. Really looking forward to it.
I love Thanksgiving. Can’t wait to slave for hours over a meal my kids will rudely reject in front of relatives who are judging my parenting
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) November 16, 2016
Pretty much regular daily life except the food takes longer to make and you have an unforgiving audience documenting every misstep. So much to be thankful for.
11. Should’ve been more specific.
I was asked to bring the cranberries to Thanksgiving dinner. Nobody said they couldn’t be swimming in vodka.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) November 16, 2016
Nobody actually likes cranberry sauce anyway. You’re doing the Lord’s work.
12. It’s gonna take him awhile.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 15, 2016
This is mission critical. Definitely give dad a heads’ up so you aren’t draining all your data staring at your phone to avoid your family. Happy Thanksgiving, parents!