Getting through your kid’s childhood without several nasty viruses and bugs hitting your household is pretty much impossible and the endless barrage of kiddie sickness is arguably one of the worst parts of parenting. That’s why you can breathe a sigh of relief that the funny parents of Twitter have been there and share in your germy misery. Take a break from the puke-mopping and check out these hilarious tweets.
1. Because timing is everything.
Something important is happening this week.
Kids: My throat hurts.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) March 13, 2016
Big meeting at work this week? A long-planned vacation to Disney? Huge conference your spouse can’t miss and you’re out of sick days? NEVER FEAR. Your child will come down with a gross virus at the absolute most inconvenient time humanly possible. It’s Parenting Law.
2. As though a typhoon blew through.
"Now, we rebuild." I say, cleaning the aftermath of my son's stomach bug.
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) March 21, 2016
Your kid finally comes out the other side after a terrible stomach bug but of course, you’ve dirtied every towel and washcloth along with four sets of bed sheets. Oh, and that puke stain on the cream-colored living room carpet. WHY DID WE BUY CREAM-COLORED LIVING ROOM CARPET?
3. Speaking of stomach bugs…
One of the most rewarding moments you have as a parent is when you realize your kid is old enough to clean up his own puke.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 27, 2015
Your 14-year-old got up and yakked at 2:00 am getting a little on the bathroom floor? Sure, you feel bad for him — but he’s now the size of a grown adult and knows exactly where the paper towels are. It’s cool. You paid your dues that time in preschool when he barfed into your shoe right before you walked out the door for an important meeting. Your work here is done.
4. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Gave the 3yo a sick bell. Let's discuss what a moron I am.
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) January 27, 2015
Great intentions, terrible execution. You’re now a Jeeves-like servant to a tiny, coughing tyrant. Enjoy!
5. The ugly truth.
I always thought my husband was annoying when he was sick, but now my son is sick & it turns out I'm just not a very nice person.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 5, 2016
Do we feel awful for our kids when they’re sick? Duh. Are they annoying as shit asking for things every five minutes, whining about nothing and coughing in your ear? YUP. No one says it, everyone thinks it. You’re welcome for spitting truth. At least my spit doesn’t contain droplets of actual plague.
6. Weekends? You don’t get no stinking weekends.
[Friday at 5:01 PM]
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 26, 2016
Oh, you had a babysitter lined up so you could see your first movie in a theater since “Knocked Up” plus, dinner at a place that doesn’t have a kid’s menu? Naturally, your child will be covered in snot by Friday night with a fever that rises out of literal nowhere. It’s OK. You can always see that flick once it hits Red Box.
7. Sick. But not sick enough.
Why is it that when kids have a cold, they're too sick to go to school but not sick enough to just lie in bed and stop being annoying?
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 21, 2015
They’re a constant faucet of boogers and won’t sleep at night because they can’t breathe from their nose but the worst part of a cold is that they aren’t quite sick enough to stop being a pain in the ass.
8. *Zips into Hazmat suit*
"My dear, sweet child. I'm so very sorry you're sick." I say, across the room wearing a surgical mask, while patting her with a 10 ft pole.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) February 22, 2016
You love them. You want them to get better. But you’d rather not catch it yourself. Sorry if mommy’s rubber gloves feel funny, sweetheart. She doesn’t want your outbreak-level virus to ruin her weekend.
9. And around and around it goes.
Everyone in our family has been sick so long, we've stopped using words, and have created a language based entirely on coughs and sneezes.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 10, 2016
One illness ends, another begins. And you’re all sharing everything and can’t escape each other’s repulsive germs. Stock up on Clorox wipes! I mean, it won’t help. But you have to feel like you’re doing something.
10. Oh, the lengths they’ll go.
Questions to determine if your child is faking illness:
-does he have a test at school
-does he have an enemy at school
-does he have school
— Make Meh Great Again (@TheAlexNevil) March 31, 2016
All I have to do is remember my days of stirring hot cocoa with the thermometer to get out of going to school to realize that my kids will eventually fake it too. It’s a right of passage. And incredibly annoying.
11. Thanks, buddy.
Me: I don't understand how I got sick
5yo: *Walks into bathroom, blows nose on hand towel
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) September 1, 2015
Because it can’t be emphasized enough — kids are fucking disgusting.
When a parent gets sick enough to need meds, the doctor should also prescribe tranquilizer darts for her family so she can actually rest.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 17, 2015
This would be amazing. Because when a mom is sick, literally no one cares.