It’s summer, so that means lots of parents are being subjected to that most horrific of summer activities — swimming. Be it pool, ocean, lake or puddle, swimming with kids is rife with difficulty. Who has to pee? Who’s hungry? Who’s bored after just 10 minutes in the water, which is less time than it took to put on their sunscreen? Who pooped in the pool? Who’s opening wine at 11am? Just me? Ok, then.
Let’s face it — swimming with kids can truly suck. That’s why we’re so lucky that the funny parents of Twitter have plenty to say about the hurdles of taking kids swimming. We’re even luckier that it’s all hilarious.
1. Need a bucket, buddy?
Based on the places my kid hides shells he’s trying to pilfer from the beach, he’ll make a great drug mule one day.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) April 3, 2016
Oh, you’re never opened your kid’s diaper and found a few tiny seashells stuffed inside? Aren’t you fancy.
2. It’s worse than pine needles.
Take your kids to the beach so they can displace 80% of the world’s beach sand into their shoes and other people’s eyes.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) June 29, 2016
You thought the Christmas tree made a mess? Or the Easter grass? Nothing compares to sand. God damn stupid sand that gets everywhere and into everything. Make friends with a Swiffer.
3. At least there’s that.
I like going to the beach with my five-year-old. Nobody calls the cops when I threaten to bury him.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 23, 2016
All in good fun, right? Take a few photos of his little head sticking out and then sip your drink. You earned it.
4. Literally no one.
Dear every kid,
No one cares about your handstand in the shallow end.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 23, 2016
Get ready to spend a whole summer gritting your teeth and exclaiming, “Yes, that’s so cool!” with all the false enthusiasm you can muster. Because holy shit, kids. We really don’t care.
5. Victory? Sort of?
3: MOM I DIDN’T PEE IN THE POOL TODAY
Me: Great job, son!
3:*points to changing room* I PEED RIGHT THERE
3: TWO TIMES
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) June 29, 2016
They should bring around trays of shots at the YMCA swimming pool. Just…they should.
6. Thanks, kid.
“Oh! Your swimsuit comes with its own boobs!”
-7yo pointing out my padded top to everyone at the pool
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) June 29, 2016
No, it’s totally cool. Moms have no dignity anyway. Just drive that stake in further.
The kids are throwing water balloons at each other.
This counts as their bath, right?
— Ponies and Martinis (@PonyMartini) June 13, 2015
Is there water involved that isn’t an actual bio-hazard? Bath. Totally counts.
8. Several hours of wincing, basically.
8: Can we go to the pool?
Me: We could if I felt like standing in pee while you repeatedly almost bash your head open while “somersaulting”
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) June 29, 2016
Do they have to jump that close to the wall of the pool? Are they trying to give us repeat heart attacks? Well, yes. Yes, they are.
I wish I loved anything as much as my 4-year-old loves pretending she’s a mermaid in less than a foot of water.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) June 29, 2016
We might be so bored we could fall asleep sitting up, but as long as they’re having fun, right? Right.
10. There’s no pleasing them.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) June 7, 2016
If you see a mom at the beach with her eyes closed rubbing her temples slowly, please remember this tweet. We have every right in the world to be summoning Buddha and trying our hardest to calm the hell down.
The only difference between a kiddie pool and a toilet is that you can flush a toilet.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 17, 2014
If you can suspend disbelief and convince yourself that weird warm spot is anything other than toddler piss, congratulations — you’re a parent.
12. They never relax.
98% of sharing a hot tub with kids is just repeating THIS ISN’T A SWIMMING POOL
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) April 22, 2016
You’re getting steamy, chlorinated water in Mommy’s wine, this is not the place to do a cannonball, kid.