Sadly, spring break no longer means getting wasted poolside and wearing a sexy neon bikini (we miss you, 1990s MTV Spring Break!). Instead of looking forward to spring break, it’s now something we merely endure and try to survive with our sanity intact. Luckily, the funny parents of Twitter are here to commiserate and let you know that you’re not the only one staring at the clock wondering if 1pm is too early to take a few shots while your kids trash your house like a band of rabid, adolescent raccoons.
1. They’re nothing if not thorough.
They really should call it “Spring Break Everything in the House Because I’m Off School for a Week.”
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) March 21, 2016
If a job’s worth doing it’s worth doing right. Why stop at snapping the handle off the refrigerator? Please clog the toilet with Pokeman cards until a plunger no longer helps and we have to bring in a plumber. Go big or go home.
2. We’re grudgingly happy for you, teachers.
Spring Break is great: no homework, lots of tv and you’re able to kick back and relax with your kids gone.
— Make Meh Great Again (@TheAlexNevil) March 23, 2016
We’re bracing ourselves for a week of occupying only one or a handful of kids while teachers have to do it every single day. Without the benefit of wine. Fine, teachers. You win this round. ENJOY YOUR BREAK!
3. Are NyQuil lollipops a thing yet?
My kids don’t always play with electronic toys on a car ride, but when they do, they press the same button FOR THE ENTIRE TRIP!
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) March 4, 2014
And if you’re not struggling to entertain your kids at home all week, that means you’re probably in travel hell with them instead. The American Academy of Pediatrics really needs to let us know a safe and socially acceptable way to sedate kids for super long car rides because this shit is nonsense.
4. Rules were made to be broken.
Spring Break Rule Day 1: No Screen Time
Spring Break Rule Day 1, afternoon – nevermind, make that No Scream Time instead. Have at it, kids.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) March 23, 2016
Now is not the time for high ideals. Now is the time for a singular goal — survival. Both theirs and yours. Give them the tablets and don’t think twice.
5. Organization is everything.
Things to do over my kid’s Spring Break:
1. Get him snacks
2. Get him drinks
3. Ban video games
4. Hear “I’m bored” 23423 times
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) March 23, 2016
You could even schedule your crying time. It’s best to have a plan, right?
6. Revenge is yours for the taking.
Just woke my kids up at 6:00 AM on their first day of spring break because vengeance is mine.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 30, 2015
Hey, you could’ve hearkened back to the toddler years and gone for 4:30 am. 6:00 am is basically mid-day and completely fair.
7. Spring Marathon? Spring Reckoning?
What’s the opposite of break? I’m trying to think of a more appropriate name for spring break when you have kids.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 18, 2015
Spring Torture? Spring Sadness? Spring Break: Tokyo Drift? I’m just spit-balling here. Endless possibilities, really.
8. Because, of course.
Spring break is all about family togetherness…
meaning we’re all sharing the same disgusting virus.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) March 22, 2016
Ah, the whole family under one roof all week. And because it’s still the tail end of Sick Season, everyone can pass around the same violent stomach bug. Fucking wonderful.
9. You might be inspired artistically.
Working on a poem about being home alone with the kids all Spring Break. What rhymes with “Get me the f*** outta here”?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 12, 2012
You could even write haikus about not bringing chips into the living room GOD DAMMIT WE’RE GOING TO GET ANTS, I’VE SAID IT 400 TIMES!
10. Only a few small differences.
Spring Break then: Hanging out w half-naked kids spilling drinks everywhere
Spring Break now: Same, only kids are younger & I’m even drunker
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 23, 2016
It used to be a spilled Sex on the Beach. Now, it’s a spilled Horizon chocolate milk box. PARTY!
11. Just close your eyes and it’ll all be over soon.
“Only one week until school restarts and I get a break from Spring Break!”
— Chocolate Moose (@moose_chocolate) March 23, 2016
Hang in there. You’re not alone.
12. Play dates. Ew.
Me: I set up a play date for the kids
Wife: GOOD GOD, WHY?!?
Me: It’s spring break
Me: You don’t have to go
Wife: Whoo hoo!
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) March 23, 2016
The only thing that’s worse than trying to keep your own kids busy is trying to keep someone else’s kids busy. But if you’re on the good end of that deal, go wander Target for a few hours while another mom is stuck with your stir-crazy kids. You earned it.
13. Your drinking games used to be so much cooler.
This Spring Break, reverse millions of years of human evolution by taking a drink every time your kid eats a booger while watching cartoons.
— Lion Jenkins (@LionJenkins) March 23, 2016
Downside? Gross. Upside? You’ll be blasted before noon. Best. Spring Break. Ever.