It’s that time of year, parents. Get ready for candy, costumes, trick-or-treating and possibly, murder clowns.
That’s right. It’s almost Halloween. And this year, we kind of need the distraction. Between the aforementioned creepy clowns, this nightmare of an election and the general state of the year 2016, we could all use a little fun. Whether your idea of a good time is firing up Pinterest and making elaborate costumes all your mom friends can roll their eyes at, or eating all the candy you bought to hand out to kids by October 27th, we all have our own way of celebrating. Whatever you prefer, the funny parents of Twitter have you covered with these hilarious tweets about Halloween.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 6, 2016
Screw creepy clowns. This is the scariest possible thing to see when you open your door. We don’t want anymore fucking candles, BE GONE.
2. When you put it that way…
It’s cute how we pretend we get “free” candy for Halloween, as if we didn’t spend a ton of money on costumes and candy to give to strangers.
— Jenn Harrell Scott (@Jenn_H_Scott) October 19, 2016
Great. Now the only thing that makes it great isn’t actually a thing. Better bring a sippy full of vodka trick-or-treating to soothe the pain.
3. It’s a toss-up.
I really want to scare the shit out of my husband this year so I’m debating dressing as a clown or handing him a positive pregnancy test.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) October 19, 2016
If he’s had a vasectomy, I think we all know which choice would strike the most fear in his heart.
*Gives straight gluten to any trick-or-treaters with Pinteresty-looking costumes*
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) October 30, 2015
Oh, your mom actually took the time to make your costume? My kids have Amazon specials that cost $29.99 each and are already showing signs of wear after merely trying them on. Gluten for you, and you and you.
5. A major benefit.
People should talk more about the perks of having kids, like leaving a legacy and eating the excess candy from every holiday.
— Spookypants Cher (@House_Feminist) April 11, 2015
Kids are like little candy cows and this is most evident on Halloween. Send them off into the night to retrieve a bounty and if they complain, shamelessly remind them of your c-section scar and/or third degree vaginal tearing that’s all their fault. This is literally the least they can do.
6. Come as you are.
Funny how everyone at my son’s school is commenting on my zombie costume when this is just what I look like now.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) October 19, 2016
Look on the bright side; at least it saves you money and a super annoying trip to Party City.
7. No thank you, please.
Want to enhance your Halloween experience? Have a baby! My nine-month-old really adds to the season’s spooky vibe by CONSTANTLY SCREAMING.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 14, 2016
It’s like your very own free, haunted house soundtrack that doesn’t actually ever stop regardless of the day on the calendar. Ugh forever.
8. Well shit.
Have kids so you can steal their Halloween candy or don’t have kids and buy Halloween candy with all the money you save from not having kids
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) October 10, 2016
Looking back, there were way easier (and cheaper) ways to obtain endless amounts of candy. Hindsight and all.
9. Why, though?
Heard a Trader Joe’s commercial advocating substituting carrot sticks for candy on Halloween, and I’m disgusted by what society has become.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 29, 2015
This literally makes me upset. If you can’t gorge on candy for Halloween, when can you? Stick to the boxed wine, TJ’s. Absolutely no one wants this.
10. Mixed messages like whoa.
Parents 364 days a year: Don’t take candy from strangers.
Parents on Halloween: Take candy from strangers. In the dark. And share with me.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) October 19, 2016
All bets are off for just one night. But it’s that last part that we really need to drive home.
If you really want to scare kids this Halloween, go as a baby boomer who doesn’t believe in climate change and is voting for Donald Trump.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) October 19, 2016
Look away, kids. I said look away.
12. Limitless options.
Mom Halloween Costume Ideas:
Slutty Cracked iPad Screen
Slutty Unfinished Bento Box Lunch
Slutty Toothpaste Puddle
Slutty Pile of Laundry
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 19, 2016
You can be anything, moms. Happy Halloween!