Are you ready to work for hours on end cleaning your house top to bottom, baking, chopping, sweating, wrestling a giant turkey into a roaster pan, and then panicking all day that you cooked it wrong only to have your kids refuse to eat a single thing anyway? Then you’re ready for Thanksgiving.
It’s that special time of year where we see family we love and family we could absolutely do without ever seeing again, all around the same table. There will be arguments. There will be kid tantrums. There will be adult tantrums. That’s why you should pour a glass of pinot, prepare to plaster on a fake smile to greet your obnoxious uncle wearing his MAGA hat, and read these funny tweets about Thanksgiving.
1. This is too real.
Make a "thankful tree" so you can burst a blood vessel waiting for your child to come up with something to write on a paper leaf.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) November 16, 2016
I’m feeling attacked by how close to home this hits. And I feel a similar bursting of blood vessels when letting my kids “help” make Thanksgiving pies. Pass the Advil.
2. It’s impressive AF.
You have to admire husband's focus as he plays on his iPad while I furiously chop carrots tapping out "I hate you" in morse code w my knife.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 26, 2015
It’s like he doesn’t even notice that I’m plotting his murder while making a four-course meal while simultaneously cleaning the entire house. Hope he’s relaxing, though. He deserves it.
3. Routine is important.
I like to host Thanksgiving so my kids can feel free to throw tantrums and not eat dinner in their own comfortable surroundings.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) November 21, 2016
Why take your kids’ regular bullshit on the road when you can sweat over a giant bird all day while listening to the usual din of tantrums and nonsense in the background? No place like home for the holidays because that’s also where your Xanax supply lives.
Thanksgiving Pro Tip:
Never eat any food offered to you by an adorable toddler relative. It might look like a cookie, or piece of candy, but it’s actually the flu.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) November 22, 2017
They may look cute, but never trust a toddler this time of year, because ’tis the season for family, food, and fucking flu.
Everyone gets to eat turkey at the Thanksgiving table. Except parents.
We just get to yell at our turkeys to get off the table.
— Walking Outside in Slippers (@WalkingOutside) November 16, 2016
While everyone else relaxes and enjoys, you’re literally doing all you can so your kids don’t stop them from relaxing and enjoying. Just keep telling yourself, “this is what the wine’s for…”
6. Can’t. Wait.
It's almost Thanksgiving, so that means it's time to buy a bunch of food your kids will stare at for 10 minutes before asking for pie!
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) November 16, 2016
Frankly, it will be impressive if they consume more than a buttered roll and a handful of olives, but yeah, they’re definitely not eating any of the other stuff you’ve spent three days preparing.
7. Helpful tip.
When planning your Thanksgiving meal portions, don't forget to account for all of the stuff your kids will throw on the floor.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) November 18, 2017
Like we just went over, they won’t really eat anything anyway, so what they toss on the floor is pretty much their portion. Makes planning easy-peasy!
Me, before kids: This is dumb, we should get the whole week off.
Me, with kids in school: Do they really need the day after Thanksgiving off, too?
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) November 21, 2017
And in just one month, they’ll have ANOTHER week off. Teachers, you’re lucky we love you so much, because this is otherwise bullshit.
9. The choice is yours.
Or you can run deep into the woods and scream into the abyss and then return to spend the day with your extended family. At least that’s my plan.
10. It’s the least you can do.
Listen, if you are going to someone's house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 20, 2017
They didn’t spend a full 48 hours scrubbing parts of their home that have never been scrubbed before so you could just walk on by. Compliment. The. Fucking. Baseboards.
11. Just like mom used to make.
Mmmmm! Dysfunction tastes delicious!
— Salty Mermaid Entertainment (@saltymermaident) November 21, 2016
Mother-in-law eye rolls and passive aggression included in every side dish!
12. Go big or go home.
If you don't tie your hair back before you start eating your Thanksgiving dinner, I'm going to have to call into question whether you're really giving it your all.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 11, 2017
We didn’t cook all this food just to watch everyone else go to town. Out my way. I need more stuffing.
13. Because let’s be real.
Not too proud to admit that I ask my 6-foot tall husband to do this when I cook a big dinner because I can’t reach and I know how real the risk is. Just living my truth.
14. Seriously, why though.
Nov. 1: Invites extended family over for Thanksgiving feast.
3 weeks later: What in the hell was I thinking?
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) November 17, 2016
It sounds like a great idea when it’s weeks into the future and then, you want to enter witness protection, move to a new state, and forget the whole thing.
Instead of asking why I'm not making a Thanksgiving turkey for my family, ask yourself why you aren't ordering a Thanksgiving pizza.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 21, 2016
Everyone loves pizza, so why the hell are we doing shit to yams? I’ll pull up my Yelp app.
16. Sounds about right.
I love Thanksgiving. Can't wait to slave for hours over a meal my kids will rudely reject in front of relatives who are judging my parenting
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) November 16, 2016
Have fun, everyone!