As parents, we truly love anything our kids give us for holidays and birthdays — handmade cards, frames with school pictures already inserted, and the occasional sweater. But what we really want? Well, what we really want can’t be purchased in a store or handcrafted in a pre-school classroom. Here are 21 gifts that parents really want:
1. Lunches that make themselves. You can only make so many peanut butter and honey sandwiches accompanied by raw carrot sticks and a juice box in a row before you find yourself having nightmares about colossal Peanut Butter Honey Men pelting military-grade carrot sticks at your Juicy Juice fortress.
2. Underpants sans mystery stains. It’s not quite pee, and it’s not quite poo. What the hell is it?!
3. Naps. Lots and lots of naps. Naps mid-morning on the weekends. Naps after work on the weekdays. Naps in the middle of naps between naps. JUST A WHOLE BUNCHA FRIGGIN’ NAPS.
4. Whine-halting collars. Kind of like shock collars for dogs, only not painful, perfectly humane, and legal.
5. Endless supply of give-a-effs. Sometimes you run out of those effs to give right when you’ve never needed to give more effs in your whole life. Effs are good to have on hand.
6. A scientific study that says letting your kids watch endless amounts of television actually increases brain function and IQ. Wouldn’t that just be tits?
7. Another scientific study that says feeding your kids a steady diet of macaroni and cheese and pizza rolls extends life expectancy by a decade or more. I would die right there in my seat, having drowned in my kid’s mac and cheese/pizza casserole.
8. Kindergarten to involve more naps and playtime and less crap I can’t remember to do at home with my kid. I thought I had until at least third grade before I had to step it up at home.
9. A legal number of times kids are allowed to say “Mommy!” or “Daddy!” in the car before they’re cut off. I’m quite certain drowning them out with the radio is frowned upon.
10. Vegetables that taste like Skittles. Why can’t they just taste like fucking Skittles? WHY?
11. A cleaning fairy. Imagine a world where your feet are not under constant assault by Legos.
12. A cooking fairy. It would only be right to let Cleaning Fairy bring in her bestie. (And yes, I do want to stab myself in the uterus for saying “bestie” just now.)
13. Laundry that sorts, washes, folds, and reshelves itself. We live among laundry piles like soldiers do among landmines.
14. Someone to kidnap that one mom who’s perfect at everything. Bonus if they smear her lipstick and ruffle her hair while they’re at it.
15. That one chick from the super nanny show on standby. There are moments when even threats to behead and burn a kid’s most prized snuggle buddy are fruitless. (Calm down. I’ve only done that once — maybe twice.) Those are the moments for super nanny chick. She’s got balls, that one.
16. Incident-free grocery shopping. You can only turn down requests for 17 gazillion piece of shit toys they’ll forget about halfway home anyway before you join in on the temper tantrum hysterics yourself.
17. Car seats that feel less like you’re battling biological warfare and more like you’re just buckling your kid into a damn seat, for God’s sake. Why do they have to make those things so hard to manipulate? It’s a sick joke, I’m convinced.
18. Peaceful bedtimes. Putting kids to bed is like stepping into sniper fire. You have no idea if, when, and from where they will shoot. And when they do (which is often), they never miss their target.
19. For children to be able to put on their own coats and shoes and head out the door in a reasonable fashion. It should not take an entire hour to get one arm in a sleeve or one foot in a boot. I’msofuckingserious.
20. Bathtubs that resemble amusement park whirly pools. For some reason kids are more willing to bathe if they think they’re stepping into Mickey’s guts to do it.
21. An endless supply of Mommy and Daddy Juice with a hangover-free guarantee. If we can’t get all of it, at least give us this one. This one should do the trick.
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