Gwyneth Paltrow, queen of unnecessary vagina intervention, has a new product for us
It’s the new year and we’re all looking for ways to invigorate our vaginas. You aren’t? Well, the rest of us are, and we’ve turned to GOOP for some tried and true advice from the queen of unnecessary vagina intervention, Gwyneth Paltrow.
Vagina steaming is so last year. Why hover over steam alone when you can literally shove something into your vagina and go about your day interacting with people? We already do this with tampons, a hard jade or quartz egg is just a natural, powerful progression. It’s not weird at all. It’s a jade egg for your yoni.
Shiva Rose (“beauty guru/healer/inspiration/friend”) explained the power and function of the “yoni” eggs in an interview with GOOP. “The word for our womb, yoni, translates as ‘sacred place,’ and it is a sacred place—it’s where many women access their intuition, their power, and their wisdom,” Rose says. “It’s this inner sanctum that we can access when it’s not in use creating life. Sadly most people use it as a psychic trash bin, storing old or negative energy.”
And to think we’ve just been walking around not storing anything in our yonis. What a waste. “I’ve always been into crystals, so learning about jade eggs (which are gems) has been a natural progression for me—this particular jade, nephrite jade, has incredible clearing, cleansing powers,” Rose explains. “It’s a dark, deep green and very heavy—it’s a great stone for taking away negativity.”
It’s very heavy, but that’s okay, because our yonis are powerful places.
“Women utilized these eggs to strengthen their feminine sexual prowess along with the physical strength and tightness of their yoni,” Chakrubs, a site that sells them, explains. “It was believed that with a powerful, healthful vagina that health, beauty, and life span would be at their maximum potential.”
The eggs essentially combine the idea of Kegel exercises with the idea of pulling energy from sacred stones or gems — which many people do believe is effective. I mean, it’s worth a try, right?
IT’S SOLD OUT. DAMN IT. Maybe the less powerful quartz egg will do the trick.
Now we’ll never know what our yonis are missing.
If you’re sick of wandering the earth like a simpleton, carrying nothing around in your yoni, this site has some for sale, too. Shiva Rose recommends boiling it for a few minutes to be sure it’s clean first. We recommend letting it cool off.