I’m losing my hair?!?

I’m not sure how the conversation started, exactly. I must have made some off handed remark referencing what I assumed was obvious. So obvious that it wasn’t nearly profound enough to even recall. But, for my husband, it was a moment he’ll never forget.
 
Are you saying I’m losing my hair???
 
I laughed, first sincerely and then nervously.
 
Um, yes…?
 
Wait. WHAT??? Do, people, like, know this?
 
I thought back to the time last week, when, at a crowded park and I needed to point him out, it was by easiest done by referencing the bald spot staring staring my friend and I back like a neon sign.
 
Well, it’s not something that people, like, talk about.
 
But, they can tell? His eyes were wide like saucers. Other people can tell that I’m losing it?
 
I think so, Jeff. It’s not really open for interpretation.
 
A full haired actor flashed on the TV screen.
 
So, I don’t have as much hair as him?
 
Um, no, my love.
 
Another full haired, six pack abed actor appears. What about him??
 
No, sweetheart. Not much of a resemblance.
 
But, it’s not like I’m BALDING, right? I just have some thinning. Like, ten percent.
 
OK. Sure. SNL was well into the second music act and the dog would be up in six hours. You’re right.
 
No??? I’m not?
 
He’s sitting up now.
 
What’s the ratio? What’s the ratio of hair to no hair?
 
I prop up the pillow and inspect him.
 
Hmmmmm…. 40/60?
 
Forty/Sixty? FORTY/SIXTY? Like less hair than more hair???
 
No. You’re wrong. His head is shaking violently.
 
It’s just that my hair starts further back on my forehead. It’s still there!
 
I point to the spot halfway back on my head where my hair would start if I were balding and if I had a severe receding hairline.
 
He’s not buying it.
 
I take his hand and finger measure the spots on our respective heads.
 
We’re staring at each other, hands on heads, the air uncomfortably heavy.
 
He stops arguing. I’ve finally gotten through to him.
 
Don’t you look in the mirror daily?
 
I ought to just drop it, but I’d really like to know how someone can be so clueless about something they see day after day after day.
 
No, he pouts. I don’t.
 
Well, you shave every day. Don’t you look at yourself then?
 
I look at my face. I’m not inspecting my hairline.
 
He looks eerily like Evan a few months ago when he dropped his half eaten ice cream cone and realized that, no, I wasn’t going back to spend five dollars on a new one. But, an Evan with 60% less hair, of course.
 
He needs some time to digest this one and we stop talking and just lie, face to face.
 
SNL is now over. Bedtime.
 
Why does your face smell funny, he wants to know, his eyes now closed.
 
I’m using a new wrinkle cream.
 
Why? You don’t have any wrinkles. Your face looks exactly the same as it did 17 years ago.
 
I know, I say. It’s preventative.
 
Obviously.

About the writer

@scarymommy

In addition to being the founder of all things Scary Mommy, Jill is also the New York Times bestselling author of Simon and Schuster’s Confessions of A Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies)

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Danielle 3 years ago

Oh I had to have this conversation with my husband when his haircut started looking like they were getting dangerously close to a comb-over. Noootttt pleasant. Denial is an amazing thing.

Laura 3 years ago

My husband’s hair was getting really thin, and since he was still wearing the same side-parted hairstyle that he’d worn for 30 years (what is it with men and one hairstyle for practically their whole lives, anyway?) but he claimed he didn’t care about looking bald, I decided an intervention was in order and took him at his word. I persuaded him to change his hairstyle so that it’s combed straight back on top (well, what’s left there), and lo and behold, he no longer appears to be headed into combover territory. Thank heaven! At least he doesn’t mind that he’s now quite bald, but he’s still seriously offended that the top of his head gets a sunburn if he forgets a hat. Of all the silly things to be offended by!

Pam 3 years ago

OMG this is hilarious!! The other night we had another couple over and we were talking about how us girls are constantly on the lookout for any flaw in our appearances (and are always finding them), while the guys are pretty much oblivious. As my friend’s husband put it, “I could be 400 lbs. and I would still think I was super sexy.” I kind of wish I were a dude so I could be totally oblivious to my appearance. I can’t imagine how much energy that would free up for other (important) things!

More importantly: What kind of wrinkle cream are you using? J/k! (sort of).

Lu 3 years ago

Hahaha, love it! It is like when my husband says, “You look better than when I married you 30 years ago.” And then he asked where his glasses are!

Old School/New School Mom 3 years ago

Men are so much more insecure than us ladies, I tell you.

Iris 3 years ago

I don’t even want to think about the moment I have to have this conversation with my husband… In fact, I don’t even think I should have this conversation with him EVER, even if it happens in the future… The thing he loves the most about himself is his hair!, and to be honest, he has a beautiful, shiny, strong, soft hair that I wish that I had (mine is a mess!) and when we started dating I told him all the time that I loved his hair and not just me, pretty much every single woman he knew would tell him he had an amazing hair… So, you can tell this is a BIG, HUGE thing for him. He’s about to reach 30, so he’s still pretty young to be concerned about that, but I remember I once asked him what was he going to do if he ever started to lose his hair, and he had a very strong, direct answer: “I’m NEVER going to lose my hair!”… Well darling, I hope for the sake of both of us, you don’t…

Autherine 3 years ago

Women have so many insecurities that I am so glad that men have at least one. I just smile when I get the “is my hair thinning” question.

Pam @Mommacan 3 years ago

Oh crap, life can be so in your face at times. When my scalp is dry I get so paranoid I am going bald that I end up pulling muscles in the back of my arms trying to stretch to take a look.

Getting old is not so much fun. The only perk is …. crap there are no perks.

Cassie 3 years ago

I can speak from personal experience, no hair is the way to go! Once it’s gone, you don’t worry about loosing it anymore. : ) I doubt your husband will be happy to hear this, but it’s the truth!

Galit Breen 3 years ago

Oh how I needed a laugh just like this one tonight!

(And yes, totally preventative! :))

humanmama 3 years ago

Oh, awesome. I love this…just really encapsulates what it is to be “MAN.” And AMEN to the first comment–they totally have magic mirrors.

Motherhood on the Rocks 3 years ago

My hubby isn’t losing his hair, it’s just getting very, very gray. I tell him it looks distinguished. It’s either that or he ruins every single towel we own with black hair dye.

Kristen Brakeman 3 years ago

This is funny.
Love the comment about the wrinkle cream. My husband complained about my very expensive (freebie) night cream saying that, “I smelled like an old lady.”
Okay would you rather me smell like one or look like one?
I choose the latter.

ZEEMAID 3 years ago

ROFL. Thank goodness our husbands are blind. Although when I’m feeling less than sexy in slob clothes and he s like hey baby you start to question their sanity.

Jess (aka Seamama) 3 years ago

We had almost this exact thing happen to us. I made an offhand comment about his thinning hair, which I thought was totally obvious, and he was taken back. He questioned me over and over, was his hair really thinning? We were in the car so I said, Just wait til we stop at the next stoplight and look at your headrest (covered in shed papa hairs). He did. There was no more argument. He is still pretty sensitive about it though. :)

Kristen at Me And My Three 3 years ago

Men can be so blissfully ignorant, can’t they??? Gotta love that Y chromo!!!

Jenn 3 years ago

This is too funny, just because I cannot understand how guys don’t see things like this! They are so oblivious to so many things.
My husband has been losing his hair for a very long time now, but I still can’t say anything about it, he is so self-conscious about it.

Shanan 3 years ago

It’s sad isn’t it? A friend of ours, who we hadn’t seen in a while, joked about my husbands paunch. Thus begins the ” how bad is it? ” questions. I have grey hair but keep my hairdresser out of unemployment by my serious denile of this fact! It’s not THAT bad , right???

Erin I’m Gonna Kill Him 3 years ago

I always wonder if THEY realize it…

It can’t help that you have so much hair!

Christina Baglivi Tinglof 3 years ago

This is a definite touchy subject in my house and one where I bite my lip. I once picked up a box of Rogaine at Costco but thought better and put it back on the shelf.

Scary Mommy 3 years ago

Hmmmmmm…

Scary Mommy 3 years ago

No kidding – I’d love to have some of that. And, thank you – that’s so nice to hear!

Scary Mommy 3 years ago

It’s not. That’s bullshit.

Scary Mommy 3 years ago

You are so sweet. Thank you. :) And, you do rock the bald – maybe someday, Jeff will join you.

Scary Mommy 3 years ago

Ohhhh. Preventative stretchy pants. I like how you think.

Scary Mommy 3 years ago

What is up with THAT? Can’t they transplant it or something?

Eve 3 years ago

SO FUNNY! I remember when my husband was loosing his and he woudl go to the barber twice a week to cut in in a low fade (I guess he thought his balding was just another word for shorter hair) I finally broke down one day and told him how much it would turn me on if I could shave his head, let’s just say I still shave his head!

Jennifer 3 years ago

So awesome. I must have the only husband that doesn’t mind losing his hair. I think he has been waiting for it to thin out since we got married and he never, ever complains about the receding hairline. All the gray on the other hand?

Nina 3 years ago

Oh, I love Jeff. How sweet to be that unaware. We could all learn from him, right?

tracy@sellabitmum 3 years ago

Hilarious! My husband is thankful that he is 6’5″ so no one can really see that bald-spot. Oy.

June O’Hara 3 years ago

Aging is a bitch, I guess for some men, too. I look at my thickening waist, wrinkles around my mouth and my feet, which I must moisturize nightly or they become a disgrace. Probably I should just be grateful I have hair.

This was a great, funny post.

Jack 3 years ago

The hairline thing is rough and I readily admit far harder than I had ever imagined it would be. I am 43 and I don’t have any gray hair at all.

People ask if I dye it and I laugh, because I don’t.

But there is a freaking mutiny going on around the front lines. It used to extend to the front of my forehead and all was well, now,things aren’t quite what they used to be.

Back and sides are as full as ever, but the top isn’t quite right. When it reaches a certain point I will shave the rest off.

But when that day comes you better believe that the rest of me is going to be one solid mass of muscle, vanity thy name is Jack.

Heather 3 years ago

You got that right! At my baby shower, we played the ‘guess how big around Mommy is’ and some of my guests measured Baby Daddy, as his belly was comparable to mine in size and shape. He thought they were joking. That mirror is some serious shizz.

Heather 3 years ago

I don’t want to cause any marital strife, but this post needs some photographic documentation.

Charlotte 3 years ago

LMAO!!!! Awesome. I wish I had this magic gene that grants men the chance to be oblivious to everything. What a wonderful thing!

Thanks for this :) Haven’t stopped by in a while and I realized how much I missed your blog. XOXO

Blue Fairy 3 years ago

Wow, I remember having this exact conversation with my DH a while ago. He was HORRIFIED to think that not only was he losing his hair, but that OTHER PEOPLE knew it before him!! I couldn’t help myself though, I said “Seriously? But you can see the line where there used to be hair on your forehead! How can you NOT know that your forehead has actually doubled in size?!” Perhaps I should have been a little more sympathetic. I’m fully aware of every new line that appears on my face, after all, so it was a shock to me to think that he really had no idea!

Lisa 3 years ago

Aw, I feel his pain. I just told my doctor I was losing my hair and he put me on a vitamin + special shampoo regimen. (Mine is for thyroid reasons and I still have a TON of hair, but still)

Karen 3 years ago

My husband still has a full head of hair. Mine, however, is thinning. How is THAT fair?!??

Jen 3 years ago

When he starts doing the comb over then you’ll know you have a problem.

Amy 3 years ago

HILARIOUS!!!!

Jamie@SouthMainMuse 3 years ago

I learned long ago, men are about losing hair like women are about weight. Tell a women she’s put on a few pounds is like saying a man’s hairline has fallen back a few feet.

MarySunshine 3 years ago

My hubs is losing his hair, too. He’s got a small bald spot of the top of his head and his hairline is receding. He is completely aware of it….and has grown in a mustache to go with the beard to compensate for it. LOL

I hope he doesn’t worry that I won’t find him just as hot as I did back in the day. I think he gets hotter the older we grow together.

Stephanie 3 years ago

Eek! That’s rough. When I acquired my husband, he was already mostly bald. Luckily, we don’t have to have that conversation. And those Olay commercials have been getting to me. I’m thinking I should start, too…

lceel 3 years ago

YOU have no wrinkles, Lovely Lady. And as for Himself, there IS an answer to that bald spot and thinning hair. Shave it all off. Go to Great Clips and tell the girl to “go to zero” and just take it all off. You will feel like a new man. Now, you may feel a bit intimidated, at first, and you may even try to hide your head under a hat, but you’ll soon find that Scary Mommy might be ALL OVER your head – because women seem to like the look. REAL men are bald. On purpose.

Heather 3 years ago

He got to be one of the few men that don’t notice thinning hair. Most obsess over it.

Guerrilla Mom 3 years ago

Oh my god – hilarious. I want to live in his world. Men and women are truly different creatures. We see flaws that aren’t even there, they blissfully don’t see them. I think we should all practice being a little more like them!

Crystal 3 years ago

HA HA HA! I NEVER want to have this conversation. “Hopefully” it will at least be delayed since my husband is 15 years younger than me. Hopefully. On the flip side, since having my daughter 9 months ago, I’ve been having incredible hair loss. I’m freaking myself! The doctor says “hopefully” it will subside soon. Let’s hope.

SoberJulie 3 years ago

Hubby has been shaving his head for years because of the increasing size of his reflective spot on the cranium. When I shaved my head for charity recently he took great pleasure in my discomfort. Now he’s ticked because my hair is growing in “ridiculously quickly” and I’m secretly loving it as I ignore my sagging nearing 40 skin

Kate 3 years ago

My husband is in the same boat, but I am afraid to tell him. His is a thinning spot on the crown of his head so he really can’t see it. His mother said something a few months ago and his reaction was not a good one. I do not want to deal with the fall out (no pun intended) when he finally realizes and then becomes obsessive about it. Lord help me when that day comes.

Sarah 3 years ago

OH dear. Same thing happened with DH a few years ago, when his step-dad hadn’t seen him in a while, and commented (from an upper-floor balcony) that he was ‘outgrowing’ his hairline… DH apparently had NO idea.

Whereas I keep tabs on every single hair on my body… except those rogue weird black hairs that spring up in my chin, apparently… those go under the radar for DAYS. Dude, TELL me about this shizz!

FWIW I am also doing things ‘preventatively’… like stretchy pants. Preventative stretchy pants. Yes.

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes 3 years ago

I’ve recently had the exquisite pleasure of pointing out to my husband that not only is he going grey, his hairline is receding too. His reaction was much the same.

Jane 3 years ago

HA!!!! My husband is the same exact way. Funny that I look 21 while he’s aged two decades. :)

diane 3 years ago

oh this could have come from a number of conversations hubs and I have … it’s scary sometimes

Mom Off Meth 3 years ago

My husband has been telling me he is losing his hair for twenty years. He says we need to start a hair transplant fund. It hasn’t moved yet. Men are funny.

Willilee 3 years ago

BWAH HA HA. DSD16 told me today that her friends said, “Your dad is so cool! He has a Mohawk!” DSD says to me, “What Mohawk? Can’t they tell he’s losing his hair?” He is a tad sensitive about it, but still super cute!

Amanda 3 years ago

My husband finally embraced the hair loss and started shaving before he could be accused of trying to grow out his hair for a comb-over. As a bonus though, he did start growing hair on his back!

Alison 3 years ago

I’m pretty sure my dad has been in denial over the bald spot on the crown of his head for 30 years. Male thing.

*running to check the husband’s hairline*

Lynn Kellan 3 years ago

Methinks I would’ve told him he wasn’t losing his hair after he exclaimed, “Why? You don’t have any wrinkles?” :)

Kristi 3 years ago

Oh, dear. Poor, poor hubby! Why are they so utterly clueless?!

Kelly @ In the Mom Light 3 years ago

Awww. My poor hubby is losing his too, but he is very aware and studies it all the time. I tell him the more he studies it the more he loses it 😉

Carrie 3 years ago

This made me laugh (don’t tell your husband). And, wrinkle cream is awesome.

Rebeccah 3 years ago

You didn’t hear? Men are granted mystical mirrors, thus rendering them oblivious to receding hairlines, bulging guts and sun damage caused by refusing to wear sunscreen. It’s MAGIC and I want one.