Inventions of Every Mom’s Dreams

mother-cleaning-houseI was the typical stereotypical girl in school; I excelled in English, writing, reading and art, and failed miserably at science, math (I still count using my fingers, no joke) and all things that required analytical skills. So, a career as an inventor was not in the cards. However, if I were to suddenly be able to figure out what 8 times 9 is without having to think for an extra few seconds, I would love to create new inventions that would be helpful in my life, and probably yours…

1. An automatic car seat strap device. All your child would have to do is climb into a seat, then a device would come and strap them in. I still haven’t figured out how it wouldn’t chop of their heads at times if they moved, so that one would probably be patent-pending.

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2. A folding laundry device. I’m not talking that board that they use at The Gap. I’m talking a robot who could fold my laundry.

3. IHOP delivery. Seriously – how can we send a man on the moon but we still haven’t figured out breakfast delivery? It’s a crime.

4. Roomba for lawns. Roomba or IRobot is that vacuum that you just leave on and it vacuums the house by itself. When it hits a wall, it just turns around and keeps vacuuming. What if we created a lawn mower that could do that? When it hits a plant, it turns around. It would make for some interesting shapes in the grass though…

5. Car dispensers for children’s snacks. You know those soap/shampoo/conditioner dispensers in the shower? One of those in a car for snacks next to a kid’s car seat would be awesome. They click a button and out comes a handful of snacks. That way, I’m not digging in my purse while driving to find one last pack of fruit snacks, uhm…I mean….apple slices.

6. A magnetic chip that can be inserted under my arm skin so that my iPhone can always stay attached to my body, except when needed. I lose that damn thing about 15 times a day, yet I believe that if it was attached to me in some magnetic capacity that my number of daily losses might be under 10.

7. A device that makes my eyes appear to be looking at the television when I am really looking at previously mentioned iPhone. This is necessary when I am asked to suffer through numerous episodes of Strawberry Shortcake, or even worse, Yo Gabba Gabba.

8. Hooks that grab your coat and hat like they had in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we lived in a house where the kids jackets were actually hung up and my doorway bench could be used for…uhmmm….what’s it supposed to be used for again??? Oh right…sitting.

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9. A remote controlled girdle. There are moments when I’m talking in front of a group that I would like to shift the remote to extreme sucking in, but then when I sit down to eat cheesecake at a party, I’d like the ability to release my inner organs again and have oxygen flowing through my body. However, do not let anyone else hold the remote. I fear that device in the hands of a man.

10. Self-cleaning toilet bowls. Now before you go telling me about some device that actually does this, I’m talking about the real deal. I want a hand to come out of the toilet and scrub around the bottom of the pedestal, the place where pee seems to magically appear when living with men. I want that hand to then shake its finger at those men and ask them why they can’t for the life of them pee into one large hole without missing? They can write their entire name in urine in snow but you can’t pee in a hole the size of Texas??

About the writer

Danielle Herzog is the woman behind Martinis and Minivans, a blog for anyone who has ever needed a martini after driving a minivan around all day. Or for anyone who has just ever needed a martini. You can also find her at Momaha on Wednesdays and Saturdays.

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Laura J. 2 years ago

Totally agree with this. Especially since my girl won’t eat off the boob. I have to pump constantly for bottles.

MOM.b.a. 2 years ago

So although I prefer IHOP, if Waffle House delivered, my husband would be eLATED since I refuse to take my children (and myself) to those nasty restaurants.

Off to look up “Lawnbot”…

Roshni 2 years ago

I NEED a laundry folding device!! Please say ‘patent pending’ on that one too!!

Amanda Martin 2 years ago

Oh yes please, definitely 1 and 5. My whole life would be so much easier! I’ve lost count of the amount of times I crick my neck reaching round in the car to give the kids things (or retrieve stuff they’ve dropped) so maybe the dispenser could also stock drinks, pacifiers, cuddly toys and story books?

Katie 2 years ago

I agree that the invention shouldn’t just fold the laundry- it should also put it away. I think putting away laundry is my most hated task ever! I always try to pawn it off on my husband but he always just opens any old drawer and shoves the laundry in- and then we don’t see the missing items for weeks :( Also I agree delivery breakfast would be amazing- especially if it was available for any meal time. I love breakfast for dinner.

Stacey 2 years ago

IHOP delivery? Yes, please. My cravings for blueberry pancakes and French toast are getting ridiculous.

Mary 2 years ago

That was going be my response! One of my least favorite chores. Along with cleaning the base of the toilet and vacuuming the stairs.

Michelle 2 years ago

I’m waiting for a soundproof window that can be rolled up behind the driver’s seat in my SUV. I’m going to call it The Neglector. Kid’s fighting and acting fools? Don’t panic, just employ The Neglector! What’s that wonderful sound? Silence! Aaaahhhh…

Evalynn Rose 2 years ago

omg. I want this. You could add a sling on the underside of the table to hold the baby in to breastfeed too. And have a little cut out for your face lined with pillows that looked directly down onto a TV screen or ebook reader.

Evalynn Rose 2 years ago

Seriously with the man pee, I don’t get it. That’s why watering the garden is not a man’s job. The plants would die of dehydration and the fence and every other surrounding surfaces would be soaked.

Myndee 2 years ago

You had me at “insta fold”.

Momchalant 2 years ago

Self-cleaning toilet bowls, YES! Boys are disgusting and so is their magical pee that ends up anywhere from the bottom of the toilet to the roll that holds the toilet paper. Who taught them to aim?

Kristin Shaw (Two Cannoli) 2 years ago

PLEASE invent #10. I’ll pay big bucks.

Meredith 2 years ago

Oh that is such a good idea!!!! I would pay good money to stop the shrieks and whiiiiiiinnnnnnneeeeeeess…

Kristen Brakeman 2 years ago

Yes #10 especially. Thanks for great ideas!

Vanessa 2 years ago

No matter howw old my “kids” are, 2,8, & 10 would be heavenly.

eccentricess 2 years ago

Lawnbott!
Now the cats can ride the roomba outside as well! :-)

Mama and the City 2 years ago

Roomba for lawns? – hubs will be client#1 for sure.

I wonder how much “blood” would be splattered though – you know, blades cutting through grass and possible…. rats, cats, dogs.
Ewww

Mom22Tweens 2 years ago

There are anti-bark collars for dogs that emit the smell of citronella (which they hate) if they bark too much. I need to invent one for kids that emits the smell of broccoli when they whine or shriek.

Mom22Tweens 2 years ago

Love # 5, and that seems a relatively simple one to invent! Years ago I had a 45 min commute each way from day care & work. My toddler could not keep hold of a container of cheerios — and I’d hear about it all the way home! I had to decide which was more dangerous: getting hit with the ear-splitting “DROPPED MY CHEE-OS!!!!” shriek just as I was attempting that treacherous highway merge, or spending the whole drive home passing back one mini cracker at a time with my right hand.

Martinis and Minivans 2 years ago

That’s an awesome one! You should call the patent office immediately…

Jessica Smock 2 years ago

Yes, I hate car seats! Does any one have a car seat that they actually really like? I did so much research — our Britax one is pretty good — but I still get so frustrated with the straps!

Jill 2 years ago

I was just going to mention the Lawnbott as well. I hear it is marvelous!

Jeni 2 years ago

You missed one very important invention! We need a baby/toddler crying decoder. You know, like in “Up!” Where the dog had the collar that made him speak English? We need one of those for babies. It would be genius.

Samantha 2 years ago

I would like to add one as well. As a nursing mom, much of my time is spent pumping. I want a table with holes cut out for me to put my boobs through (like a massage table) so I can lay down while I pump. It’s the only time I have to myself! And I would be multi tasking! Sleeping and pumping all at once!

jeannine 2 years ago

PLLLEEEEAAASSSEEE! I love those ideas!

jeannine 2 years ago

Yes. I want them all. Especially the toilet cleaner. I have 2 three-year-old boys who don’t watch where they’re peeing. Ever.

Nicole 2 years ago

I need more than automatic folding. I need the robot to put away and sort out the clothes that don’t fit the kids anymore:)

Angela 2 years ago

The lawnmower thing I’ve seen on tv commercials. So it’s an actual thing. As for the toiled cleaner I am so with you on that, no only can it reach the floor and the pedestal and behind it, but the walls around the toilet. No joke I went to the bathroom the other day, door closed lights off, so when I walked and saw my half asleep husband standing at the toilet I naturally screamed. He turned around to see who came in and proceeded to pee all over the wall next to the toilet. I told him since he marked it, he owns it and now it’s his responsibility to clean the bathroom.

Anna 2 years ago

YES! I want all of these things!!!

Nicole 2 years ago

Before I had a kid, I could get breakfast delivered by a diner. Pancakes at the push of button (ok, 10 buttons to dial the number) was the most miraculous gift ever on Sunday mornings. Now that I’m a mom and actually need insta-food, I can’t get it because I had to go move out to Suburbia for better schools/life/room to run free (or some b.s. like that) for the little Beast.

Arnebya 2 years ago

#2. Rosie. I want a Rosie from The Jetsons. Without the voice box. Just fold.

anna see 2 years ago

Oooh! Love these!

Amy 2 years ago

Holy shit. I want all of those things! Also, until this very second, I hadn’t noticed that most of “cleaning the toilet” is now cleaning AROUND the toilet. Kids and husbands are gross.

Ariana 2 years ago

I’d be willing to beta-test for you. We’ll work the bugs out on #1 eventually.

Holly 2 years ago

There is a lawnmower that is like the Roomba. It’s called the Lawnbott.