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Twitter Roasts Jake Gyllenhaal After 'Red (Taylor's Version)' Spills *All* The Tea

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Red (Taylor’s Version) sets the internet aflame — and might have Jake Gyllenhaal running for cover

A viral Tweet once sagely asserted that “each day on Twitter there is one main character, and the goal is to never be it.” Well today, Jake Gyllenhaal is that main character — and he might want to log off for the weekend. The actor immediately began trending after Taylor Swift dropped the highly anticipated re-record of her chart-topping album Red. You know, the one that just so happens to feature a break-up anthem that everyone knows is not so secretly about Gyllenhaal? Oh, and Swift added a few extra lyrics to “All Too Well” — which is now 10 actual minutes long.

The drama was just too good to resist, and Swifties immediately began dissecting every second of the song — and remembering all over again that Gyllenhaal maybe/probably/definitely broke the beloved singer’s heart. The couple dated back in 2010, when pics of the two cozied up on an autumn walk in Brooklyn appeared in every tabloid everywhere — she in a scarf and carrying a maple latte (both things referenced in the new and old versions of the song, which fans took as clues that basically all but confirmed the track was about Jake).

The new and improved lyrics spill several gallons of tea about the short but significant relationship.

“You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath.”

“And you call me up again just to break me like a promise / So casually cruel in the name of being honest.”

“You who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes / Sipping coffee like you’re on a late-night show / But then he watched me watch the front door all night, willing you to come / And he said, ‘It’s supposed to be fun turning twenty-one.'”

Sooo Jake G bailed on Taylor’s 21st birthday party, correct? That’s what we’re all hearing? Bring. Me. A. Pitchfork.

But Swift dropped the mic with what seriously might be the most subtly scathing lyric of all time: “I was never good at telling jokes / But the punchlines: I’ll get older but your lovers stay my age.” BURN! Is it a coincidence that as of this writing Gyllenhaal (now 40) is reportedly dating a 25 year old model? No, no it is not.

Swift fans tend to go full FBI every time she drops a new song, and it’s no secret that there’s many a mention of her famous exes in her catalogue of hits, from John Mayer to Harry Styles to Joe Jonas. With a couple more albums left to re-record (Red is just the second of five the singer plans to revisit after a contract dispute with her former label), this might be a good time for some of them to start ̶b̶e̶g̶g̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶g̶i̶v̶e̶n̶e̶s̶s̶ clearing the air.

As for Jake — in addition to staying off Twitter for a bit, he might also want to avoid YouTube. A short film accompanying “All Too Well” (and starring two actors who bear more than a passing resemblance to the former couple) drops on YouTube tonight.