How My Kids Are Like Terrible Roommates

Have you ever lived with a really shitty roommate? How about small kids? I’ve come to the conclusion that they are one in the same. Consider the following:

1. They Never Pick Up Their Shit

At first you try to silently ignore the mess. They’ll clean it up, right? I mean, they have to notice their crap strewn all about the house! But no, they don’t pick the mess up. So you give a polite nudge, “Boy, there sure is a lot of stuff lying around in this house, am I right?!” Nothing. You must then resort to asking nicely. They say they’ll do it in a few minutes—which turns into a few hours, then days. For the love, just pick up your shit already!

2. They Smell

A daily shower or bath? Ha! Don’t be silly. The stickier, the better, and my kids relish in their own stench. Good luck convincing them that cleanliness is next to godliness.

3. They Don’t Care If You Were Watching TV First

My kids won’t sit down on the couch with you and ask politely if they can watch a show. No. Instead they grab that remote out of your lap like it’s the last remote on earth. They furiously switch through the channels until a talking pig that resembles a blow dryer and snorts with a vengeance is on the TV. They then turn up the volume so that they can hear it from any room of the house. And yes, you guessed it: They take that remote and exit the room. What the fuck.

4. They Steal Your Food

Did you label your leftover container of Chinese food in the fridge? Oh, that’s nice, because they don’t give a rat’s ass. They will tear through that fridge and eat whatever is in sight, or just take random bites and leave it for the next scavenger. This behavior also applies to any time they see you with food in your hand.

5. They Don’t Understand the Concept of Privacy

Do you enjoy taking a nice relaxing shower? How about going to the bathroom by yourself, without anyone barging in? Surely you must enjoy some one-on-one romance time with your significant other? That’s nice. They don’t fucking care. They will barge in on you, butt-naked in the shower, rambling about how they can’t find their shoe. And interrupting your little late night rendezvous will become an all too familiar habit, just so they can tell you that they need some water. How thoughtful of them, right?

6. They Love to Argue

It doesn’t matter what you are talking to them about, kids will find a reason to argue with you. They sky’s not blue, the Earth’s not round, and it’s most definitely not nap time. You’re better off spending your energy opening a bottle of wine, than engaging in a battle of the minds with them. You will never win.

7. They Never Ask to Borrow Your Things

It’s more like a “they see it, they take it” sort of relationship. This can apply to so many things, ranging anywhere from your iPhone to your toothbrush. In this case, the motto of, “What’s mine is yours,” actually means, “What’s yours is mine. You are now my bitch.”

8. They Love Bodily Functions

Anything regarding noises their bodies make is hilarious—farting, burping, pooping, and so on. One of their favorite things to do is tell complete strangers about your bodily functions as well. So be prepared the next time you eat that enchilada, and you’re up all night in the bathroom. Guaranteed your “roomie” will find a way to bring it up to the cashier the next time you’re at Target. Because, who doesn’t want a total stranger to know they had the meat sweats last night?

9. They Have No Regard for Your Property or Belongings

Don’t even bother having anything that looks nice around kids. That new couch you just bought? They’ll manage to cover it with crushed up Cheetos paste in record time. Your new outfit you bought for your girls’ night out will look great with that giant Kool-Aid stain on it too. But please, whatever you do, make sure you don’t get their things dirty, because that is just fucking rude.

10. Sometimes, They’re Just Assholes

For no particular reason, on any given day, this can happen. So be prepared for the fury they will unleash when you cut their grilled cheese into two squares instead of four triangles or give them the orange cup instead of the yellow one.

Luckily for my kids, they are way more adorable than any roommate (well, at least 80 percent of the time), so for now I’ll ignore their messy lifestyle and the fact that they are 60 months behind on their rent. But the next time they steal my leftovers, it’s game on.