Finally, a quiet chip for quiet women
If you’re a lady like me, you love to eat but hate to chew. If only everything could be blended up into a light pink shake that we could sip through a straw while coquettishly highlighting our cheekbones and suck strength. Lucky for us, the folks who make Doritos get it. They’re preparing to launch a line of Doritos that will be small and quiet, just like you and me.
If you loved Lady Pens, you’re gonna love Lady Doritos.
In an interview with NPR’s Freakonomics podcast, Indra Nooyi, the CEO of PepsiCo, talked about some of the changes she’s made to the company’s products since she became president and CEO in 2006. For example, she has helped them go from selling mainly junk food to selling healthier products like oatmeal and sparkling water that tastes like a mango and a pineapple farted into the same can.
Well, she’s continuing to innovate, and this time it’s to help out all the women who have said, “I love Doritos’ Jacked Ranch-Dipped-Hot-Wings-Flavored Tortilla Chips, but I wish there was a way I could eat them more dainty-like.” Yes, Doritos is coming out with chips designed for women.
“What the hell does that even mean,” you ask.
“But chips aren’t gender-specific,” you scream into the void.
You’re wrong. Here’s what Nooyi told Freakonomics when the interviewer asked: “I understand that men and women eat chips very differently. Can you tell us the differences?”
“When you eat out of a flex bag,” she said, “one of our single-serve bags — especially as you watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavor, and the broken chips in the bottom. Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavor into their mouth.”
That’s right. I would love to take a single-serve bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, shove them all in my eating-hole, lick my fingers, use my teeth against my fingertips to get any powder that might be stuck inside of the whorls of my fingerprints, stick a finger in my mouth and shove it into the bottom of the bag to get any leftover pockets of crumbs in there, and then peel open the bag like I’m degloving a corpse and flatten it out so I can get everything out of the remaining nooks and crannies.
But I would never do that, because I’m a goddamn lady.
And I definitely don’t want to draw any attention to the fact that I’m eating solid food. Chewing is for dudes, am I right? So how do we solve this problem? Nooyi told Freakonomics that the answer isn’t so much about having separate chips for women as it is about…having separate chips for women:
“It’s not a male and female as much as ‘Are there snacks for women that can be designed and packaged differently?’ And yes, we are looking at it, and we’re getting ready to launch a bunch of them soon. For women, low-crunch, the full taste profile, not have so much of the flavor stick on the fingers, and how can you put it in a purse? Because women love to carry a snack in their purse.”
Finally! A quiet, clean, purse-sized snack. For too long, we women have been forced to choose between starving ourselves or hauling around a pot roast in a trash bag in order to satisfy our cravings. Now we can just put a wee little bag in our wee little purses. And, if we’re really lucky, they’ll come in girl colors. That way our snacks will match with all our other pink and pastel belongings because if there’s one thing that women love, it’s for everything we own to look like a third-grader’s Valentine’s Day party.
Twitter had some thoughts on Lady Doritos as well:
Doritos to let some Doritos sit out for a while before being put in a pastel bag https://t.co/IvdYCFQzNl
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) February 5, 2018
— Dina Montemarano (@getmontey) February 5, 2018
About to sit down and write an angry letter to Doritos. pic.twitter.com/CXEWt1Xb1s
— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) February 5, 2018
— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) February 5, 2018
Questions I have about the forthcoming lady Doritos:
1. May I request they be salted with the tears of our enemies?
2. Will they be priced to align with the gender pay gap?
3. If a lady is OK with crunching, crumbs and public eating, is she banned from purchasing them?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) February 5, 2018
— DeAnne Smith (@DeAnne_Smith) February 5, 2018
Indeed, the timing couldn’t be any better. Just as #MeToo and #TimesUp are making themselves part of the daily conversation, Doritos is here to chime in with a hearty, “#MeTooOnlyMoreQuietlyPlease” and a “TimesUpForGrossStickyLadies.”
Way to go, Doritos. You’ve really got your finger on the pulse of nothing anyone cares about.