“Being A SAHM Killed My Sex Drive”
A mom just like us — comparing prices at the grocery store, cheering at the baseball field three times a week, running PTA meetings — shares her sex story, no matter how “boring” or “shocking” it may be.
This story is an “as told to” and anonymous. The mom in this story is a mother of two, in her 40s, living in the PNW.
I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I daydreamed about being with my kids all day instead of dropping them off at daycare. I hated my job, and all I wanted was to be in my house, rocking my own babies to sleep. I wanted to play with them, make homemade baby food, cook dinner for our family every night — all the things that I felt were impossible with my high-pressure job and long commute.
And I really, really thought being a SAHM would help our sex life.
It... did not.
My husband and I worked on a budget, made some cuts, and decided to give me being a SAHM a try. The idea was that if I were less stressed and happier, everything else would work out better. Our marriage would improve. Our kids wouldn’t see us so impatient and cranky anymore. Logistics like t-ball practice and dinner would be easier. It would just all be perfect.
I had really high hopes for our sex life. We were high school sweethearts who got married right after college, and sex was always a huge priority for both of us. But after having two kids under two, there was nothing I wanted to do less after a long day of work and mom guilt than have sex with him.
Being a SAHM made that even worse.
Instead of coming home to an idyllic scene, my husband came home every day to a frazzled, resentful, anxious wife who felt like she didn’t have two seconds to think. Our kids were 3 and 1 at the time, and just huge balls of energy. I would take them out every morning to do something like the playground or the library or meet with friends, and then the rest of the day was spent trying to keep them entertained enough so there wasn’t a meltdown — but not entertaining them so much that they got overstimulated.
I once went four days without showering and barely noticed.
After about six weeks of being a SAHM, I realized we hadn’t had sex once since we made the change. Even on weekends, I was desperate to have him as a tag-team partner, so we were either out doing some big exhausting family thing, or he would let me have some alone time and take the boys off on his own. Our sex life was officially in the pits.
I thought being a SAHM would solve all my problems, but I was miserable. I think my boys missed their daycare routine, and I realized for sure that while my commute was hellish, at least I could listen to an audiobook during it. I felt like the standards were lower as a working mom, and now, as a SAHM, the pressure was worse than ever. It wasn’t enough that I was just with my kids all day; I needed to be enriching them — and myself — every chance I could.
After another few weeks, I turned to my husband and said, “Being a stay-at-home mom has completely killed my sex drive.”
I swear, he looked relieved.
It took a couple of weeks, but I managed to find a part-time consulting job I could do from home, and with that money, we were able to join a nanny share with our neighbors. I get four hours every weekday. I drop the boys off, get some work done, shower, exercise, and by the time they come home, I’m ready to just be a mom with them. It’s worked out really well for us, finding this balance, and it means once the kids are in bed, I’m ready to enjoy my husband, not just sit next to him on the couch.
Our sex life still isn’t where we want it to be, but I think in a few years it will. I think the pressure of motherhood, working, and trying to be everything for everyone all at once was my real issue.
And nothing kills a sex drive faster than pressure.
