Do Yourself A Favor And Join The Mom Group

Ruth Gray’s vacation included six families (a total of 22 people) under one roof — a rented beach house — and there were never any issues about personal space. After all, she was with her people — the ones who “get it” because they’re “living it,” the ones who understand the realities of never peeing alone and wiping boogers barehanded. A vacation crew made possible by several mom groups she joined on Facebook six years earlier.

Gray, now a mom of two, moved to Roanoke, Virginia during the COVID-19 pandemic when her baby was just 6 weeks old. As an extrovert navigating motherhood in a brand-new city, she struggled to make connections.

“My husband worked so much, and it was just me and the baby, and we couldn't go out and do anything,” she explains. “I told him I felt like the ‘Beauty and the Beast’ rose — that all my petals are just falling off. It was very lonely and isolating.”

At the time, Gray was cycling through feelings of anxiety, “baby blues,” and overstimulation. With the world around her shut down due to the pandemic, she knew she had to find community some other way.

“I dove into Facebook and just typed in ‘Roanoke mommy,’” she says. “It allowed me to learn that I wasn't alone, to learn from others who had been in my position, and pick up some tips and tricks,” she says. “It was very much a lifeline.”

Gray found an outlet and used those online groups to build a foundation of friends IRL once social-distancing restrictions began lifting.

Feelings of isolation during new motherhood are incredibly common, with research suggesting that about 1 in 3 new mothers experience loneliness.

“Today, new mothers often live far from extended family members, and their partners return to work shortly after the birth,” says Paige Bellenbaum, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in treating perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. “Finding community with other moms can be one of the most effective ways to combat the loneliness and isolation most women experience in the postpartum period,” says Bellenbaum.

If it feels too overwhelming to add “make a friend” to your to-do list, right below “take a sitz bath” and “Google if XYZ type of baby poop is normal,” that’s natural. That said, investing energy into making new connections has a high payoff, according to experts and real women alike.

Why So Many New Moms Feel Alone

Once the baby shower excitement fades, the nursery nesting is done, and the revolving door of guests to meet your newborn dies down, the stillness is palpable. Partners go back to work, food trains stop, and you’re left at home with a tiny baby who both needs you around the clock and who likely isn’t even capable of providing feedback in return. (Just wait, that first smile is coming!)

“You’re just with this baby all day, and it’s so lonely and isolating,” says Bellenbaum of the early postpartum period. “It's such an opportunity to be in your head where you can oftentimes blame yourself, feel like you're failing at this, [or] you're doing everything wrong.”

Left unchecked, those feelings can easily turn into something more serious, she warns, noting that isolation and loneliness are major risk factors for depression among pregnant and postpartum women. On the upside, having a social support system and a sense of belonging can prevent and combat these symptoms, says Bellenbaum.

That said, it can be hard to find someone who relates to what you’re going through in this very specific season of life.

“They don't have a newborn, or it may have been a while since they've had a kid, [so] they may not identify [with] what it is that you're experiencing,” says Keisha Reaves, a licensed professional counselor certified in perinatal mental health. And it’s not just about parenthood or changing diapers; many people in your life won’t be able to grasp all the ways your body has and is still changing, says Reaves.

Mom groups can help fill these friendship voids — and not just for parents who are struggling. “It’s good just to hear how somebody else is navigating their own motherhood journey, " she says. "Just to get out [and] to have something where your day doesn't feel redundant.”

The Power Of Mom Groups

You might be thinking, ‘What could being in a room full of other postpartum moms really change?’ Turns out, a lot. Usually, the “aha moment” is when someone says the thing you were afraid to say yourself, says Bellenbaum.

“When you’re in a community with other women, and you can share these things, you receive that validation and normalization,” she says. “‘No, you're not the only mother who feels that way. No, what you're doing is not wrong. In fact, it's totally normal.’ When you're able to have that common experience, that in itself can be incredibly healing.”

Research published in 2021 found that having a “shared sense of reality,” or the perception of the same thoughts, feelings, or beliefs, could be attributed to why you instantly “click” with someone you just met. [Insert that ‘aha! she’s just like me!’ moment.]

There's a scientific reason feeling seen can be so impactful. Another study found that the areas of the brain tied to reward and social connection lit up when participants felt understood. Unsurprisingly, when participants felt misunderstood or judged, the areas of the brain responsible for negative emotions and social pain were activated.

It Takes More Than A Casual Playdate

Stopping by a playground at a local park is nice, but these quick, one-off interactions don’t always cut it when it comes to developing meaningful new relationships.

It wasn’t enough for Aly Shampain, a mom of two in Hoboken, New Jersey, who says she tried making new mom friends at a local meetup when she had her first kid.

“I'm in this vulnerable stage… I don't really know what I'm doing,” Shampain says of trying to navigate her feelings at the time. “How do you know who to go up to? Everybody has more or less the same stroller. Everybody is more or less wearing the same winter coat. So you find people who you're like, ‘Okay, I think these are going to be my mom friends.’ And you exchange numbers, and you say, ‘Let's get coffee.’ And maybe that happens, or maybe that doesn't. And that’s not a sustainable way for moms to make friends,” she says.

These unsatisfying interactions are what drove Shampain to develop Take a MOMent in 2023. The seven-week series runs sessions throughout the year and includes groups for first-time moms, pregnant women, and second-time moms. Moms get to learn from experts in child development, mental health, and even career planning, but more than anything, they get to chat, commiserate, and celebrate together.

“When moms come to this group, we don't ask them, ‘Where did you go to college?’” says Shampain. “None of that matters when you become a mom. What matters is, ‘How are you really?’”

“It's always around week three that the moms are like, chatting up a storm before the session even starts,” she says of watching the new bonds form. “That's truly when the shift happens that they're like, ‘Okay, these are my people.’”

How To Find Your Own Mom Group

If finding “your people” sounds amazing, but you forgot how to wear real clothes, or it feels cringe to make small talk with strangers, that’s valid — parenthood, not to mention childbirth, has a way of stealing your groove.

Try to keep things low stakes, says Reaves. Nobody’s asking you to make a new best friend by next Tuesday during a session on transitioning to solid foods.

“It could just be for 30 minutes to an hour,” she says of getting together IRL with other moms. “Just try it to see if you like it. And if you don't, then we can try something else.”

You can try a few low-pressure entry points: story time at your local library, a Mommy and Me class, or a stroller walking group if you'd rather move than sit in a circle, suggests Reaves. There's also the Peanut app, which matches you with moms nearby based on your kid's age. Or follow Gray’s lead and search "[your city] moms" on Facebook.

You can also find resources via Postpartum Support International, which runs dozens of free virtual and in-person groups for pregnant and postpartum parents across the country.

If local opportunities are lacking, know that virtual groups can be just as impactful, says Bellenbaum. “You're on a screen with other new moms and just [have] the ability to open up and feel listened to and taken seriously and heard,” she says.

No matter how you show up, don’t be afraid to put your true self out there, says Gray. "Just come as you are, and you'll find your people."

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