I Am So Sick Of Being Sick

Having a chronic illness such as fibromyalgia really does take its toll on you, especially when you have a ton of other stuff along with it like me. It waxes and wanes but it never goes away, at least it doesn’t for me. Right now I must say it’s as bad as it has ever been before. My pain level has driven me so far down that even my positive outlook is suffering. I am so sick of being sick.

My only escape is the sleep I get, but now the pain is twisting my dreams and I can’t even escape it there now. I awake so sore that it makes me want to scream out just to move. I’m as tired when I wake up as I was when I went to bed. Relief seems to be escaping me these days.

Get more exercise, that’s what they say. They have no idea how hard that is to do when every movement makes you want to flinch with pain. When walking any distance at all makes your spine feel as though it’s just going to crumble apart and disintegrate. I do what I can, I walk short distances, I do leg lifts in my chair, but it’s hard. I wish others could understand how hard.

Lose weight. I try, I really do. Without being able to be as active as you need to be it’s a very hard thing to do. I know my weight, which was put on after falling ill, makes it worse. It makes my self-image worse too, which doesn’t help things at all. I wish I could lose it and I’m trying hard to, but it’s a slow process feeling as I do.

Take your meds. I do, I promise I do, just as they tell me to do, but it isn’t helping enough. I have missed them and I was lucky not to spend the day curled up in a ball on the floor, so I know they help, but they aren’t doing enough. There has to be something out there that will help give me my life back.

Depression? Sure, I struggle with depression. When there isn’t a part of your body that doesn’t hurt all of the time, you might be depressed too. I think those of us who function with this are a lot stronger than people give us credit for.

I can’t even eat without experiencing symptoms. I eat something, it sends me running to the bathroom. There isn’t an aspect of living that fibromyalgia or the slew of co-existing conditions do not touch. You name it, there is an ill effect to go along with it.

The symptoms feed off each other, each one causing the others to be worse. I try to stay positive. I know this will pass and I will feel better, but even then I won’t feel good. I have my good spells, but even then there is still the ever-present pain, depression, stomach issues, etc. Still, there are better times when I can do more and enjoy more, but what do I do in the meantime?

I’m getting worn down, physically, mentally and emotionally. I’m losing hope that there are good days ahead and that relief can be found. I mustn’t let myself get like that, I must always believe there is hope, but right now that’s hard.

I must hold onto the thought that this too shall pass. I just hope it passes quickly…

Originally published on The Mighty.