17 Phrases To Use When Someone Is Gaslighting You

If we’re being honest, sometimes it feels like therapy terms get thrown around really haphazardly these days, particularly on social media. Was your friend’s ex really “such a narcissist,” or was he just kind of a sh*t head? Gaslighting is one of those buzzy words, and when it’s used so often, it can muddy the waters a bit when you’re trying to tell if it’s happening to you. Is your partner or parent just a bad communicator, or are they purposefully making you question your version of events to win an argument?

The term gaslighting originates from the 1938 play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife insane by slowly dimming the gas-powered lights in their home, denying they’ve changed at all each time she asks. It’s “an extremely effective form of emotional abuse,” according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, one “that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity. As a result, the abusive partner has a lot of power.”

We asked three relationship and mental health experts about how you can tell if someone you love is gaslighting you, and for their favorite phrases to shut down gaslighting when it happens.

How To Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You

Gaslighting is meant to fly under the radar, but you’ll know it when you feel it, experts say.

“The clearest sign is a specific kind of confusion that follows a pattern: You enter a conversation knowing what happened, and you leave it doubting yourself. That disorientation is data,” says Dr. Jenny Martin, a clinical psychologist who specializes in domestic and intimate partner violence and founder of Gemstone Wellness.

The tough thing about gaslighting is that it masquerades as a debate about what really happened — say, in that argument you and your partner had about money last week — but it’s a purposeful attempt to undermine your perception, Martin says. When you’re being gaslit, the other person will likely reframe your concerns as an overreaction and say things like “you’re too sensitive” or “that never happened.”

“You will start to doubt yourself, feel ‘crazy’ around the gaslighter, and start to feel like they are the only person who knows who you really are. In healthy conflict, people can see things differently but are still open to hearing your experience and making room for it. With gaslighting, the other person dismisses or rewrites your reality,” says Chloë Bean, LMFT, a somatic trauma therapist in Los Angeles who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery.

“Over time, the goal — conscious or not — is to make you question your reality so that their version becomes the one that stands,” adds Anand Mehta, a licensed marriage and family therapist and executive director at A Mission for Michael Healthcare.

Phrases To Use When Someone Gaslights You

If you realize you’re being gaslit and want to shut it down, there are some things you can say to bring it to a grinding halt. The point is not to win an argument, Martin emphasizes, because “gaslighting doesn’t respond to logic.” The purpose of using these phrases is to “stay anchored in your own reality and refuse to be pulled into a debate about whether your experience is valid.”

Here are some of the best phrases to shut down gaslighting from Martin, Bean, and Mehta:

• “I know what I experienced.”
• “I trust my memory.”
• “We may see this differently, but I’m not confused about what happened.”
• “My feelings don’t require your agreement to be real.”
• “I’m not going to argue about my own experience.”
• “I hear that you see it differently. I’m not asking you to validate it — I’m asking you to hear it.”
• “You may see it that way, but my experience is valid too.”
• “You may not agree, but that’s what happened for me.”
• “Please don’t tell me what I felt or meant.”
• “I’ve noticed that when I raise a concern, it comes back as a problem with my perception. I want to talk about that.”
• “This conversation keeps ending with me doubting myself. That’s not OK with me.”
• “I don’t need you to agree — but I do need you to stop telling me my experience is wrong.”
• “We may not agree, but I’m not going to debate my reality.”
• “I’m going to step away from this conversation until we can have it differently.”
• “I’m not comfortable continuing this conversation if my experience keeps getting dismissed.”
• “I’m open to talking about solutions, not arguing about what I know happened.”
• “Let’s pause this conversation if it’s turning into questioning my memory.”

“Calm, clear statements tend to work better than trying to prove or argue every detail,” says Mehta. “The key is to try to stay calm and not get pulled into a long back-and-forth where you feel like you have to prove yourself.”

What To Do If Your Partner Is Gaslighting You

Gaslighting can happen in any relationship, but we most often think of it in the context of romantic partnerships. If it happens to you, is it a sign you need to end things? Not automatically, these experts agree, but it’s definitely a red flag.

“It is definitely a serious signal that something in the relationship needs attention. Sometimes people gaslight because they’re defensive and avoiding accountability, or have learned unhealthy communication patterns. In those cases, the relationship can improve if the person is willing to acknowledge the behavior and work on it,” says Mehta.

“The distinction I find most useful is this: Is this person capable of accountability? Some people gaslight from a deeply learned defensive pattern, and that can potentially be worked through — especially with professional support and genuine willingness on their part. But when the behavior is consistent, escalating, and met with zero self-reflection, it's no longer a communication issue. It’s a power dynamic,” Martin agrees.

It matters that you confront the issue instead of learning to live with it, Bean says. There are real consequences to being gaslit long-term. “Repeatedly questioning of someone’s reality can erode their confidence and sense of self over time. It can also be traumatizing and possibly re-traumatizing for those who experienced something similar in childhood. In those cases, setting stronger boundaries and seeking specialized support from a trauma therapist with narcissistic abuse experience is crucial.”

While these phrases to shut down gaslighting may help you in the moment, they are not a permanent solution to handling a partner who always resorts to undermining you. As Mehta said, “Your emotional safety and sense of reality matter, and any healthy relationship should protect those, not undermine them.”