You’ve Heard Of Love Languages, But What’s Your Apology Language?

Love languages are common parlance these days. What began as a book by Gary Chapman, a minister and author of The 5 Love Languages, has become part of many modern-day couples’ regular vocabulary. “I’m a physical touch person.” “Oh, I’m a words of affirmation gal.” We all know where we fall. But did you know there’s a second, less-discussed book of Chapman’s that explains the five apology languages? We asked the experts — including Chapman’s co-author — all our burning questions.

What are the five apology languages?

The five apology languages were coined by Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, and clinical psychologist Dr. Jennifer Thomas, Chapman’s co-author of The 5 Apology Languages. In the same way that love languages are meant to describe how a person might recognize love when it’s given to them, apology languages can help partners understand what it is about an apology that makes it feel genuine to the person they love.

The five apology languages are:

1. Expressing regret, which sounds like “I’m sorry.”
2. Accepting responsibility — think, “I was wrong.”
3. Making restitution, which sounds like “How can I make things right?”
4. Genuine repentance, which means sharing a plan to change and not repeat the offense.
5. Requesting forgiveness — this one’s pretty straightforward.

Thomas says when she brings up apology languages with her clients, they often have an ah-ha moment and realize why some apologies may have fallen flat for them in the past. “They feel really validated about why they don't feel completely satisfied by an apology. From the perspective of therapy, apologies are also seen as relationship repairs. Of course, different people and different relationships require different ways of apologizing to be able to successfully repair the relationship,” she says.

It’s also possible to have more than one apology language, Chapman tells Scary Mommy. In an interview with Maria Shriver’s Sunday Paper, she explains that languages one and two tend to focus on addressing the mistake, which is now in the past. Language 3 is about the present and how to repair things now. Languages 4 and 5 address the future — can one partner move on, and can the other change their ways?

Are apology languages backed by research?

Yes and no. Thomas often used the five love languages in sessions with her clients, and after giving an apology to her husband that didn’t land quite right, she realized that apology languages may also be a thing. She reached out to Chapman, and the pair penned the book based on their years of anecdotal experience. So, while there might not be a medical journal full of graphs and charts to back up the book, the two have seen it spark meaningful change in real-life couples.

Some relationship therapists are critical of this, but others like Gabby Jimmerson, a certified couples and sex therapist, say the five apology languages can be a helpful framework for people.

“The idea was formed from Chapman's and Thomas’s real work and anecdotal observations of relationships. But it’s also not true science. In my office, the five apology languages are a helpful jumping-off point rather than a rigid rulebook. They give couples a starting vocabulary to talk about hurt and repair, which tends to be a struggle,” she says. “The danger comes when partners treat them like needs or when they weaponize them. ‘You must apologize this way or I won’t forgive you because that’s my apology language.’”

“The apology and love languages are not the end-all of relationships. There's definitely more nuance in cultural issues, perhaps trauma or ongoing chronic conditions, and how the relationship is reflective of the general gender and societal expectations,” says Yuki Shida, LMFT, EMDR-certified licensed therapist and owner of Soul Song Therapy Group in Irvine, California. “However, the apology and love languages are a very accessible way for many couples to begin talking about how they can feel better seen and validated in their relationships.”

How To Know Your Apology Language

It’s easy — there’s a free quiz on 5lovelanguages.com. It’s a 25-question quiz that takes about five minutes, and at the end you get a handy little breakdown of your own apology languages. Here are my results, for example:

Knowing your apology language and that of your partner can help you both repair hurt feelings in a way that feels as sincere as possible, Thomas says. It’s OK if your apology language doesn’t match your partner’s, she adds — it matters that you try and learn what feels sincere to one another. Just be sure you’re using your apology language as a tool, not a battering ram.

“The most important thing couples need to know is that when they choose to use these ideas against each other, relationships fall apart fast. Real relationships are nuanced, and hurt has context,” Jimmerson says. “The healthiest couples consistently learn about each other and have ongoing conversations about how to love and repair well. It’s curiosity and collaboration, not a rigid framework, that keeps intimacy alive.”

Finally, if you’re trying to forgive your partner after an offense and something still isn’t sitting right with you, it may not be about apology languages at all, Shida says.

“If you don't feel like forgiving the other person even after you hear ‘I'm sorry,’ I encourage you to check in on what emotions are left. If you are still feeling fear, that means that you do not yet have any assurance that you are safe. If you are still feeling anger, that signals that you do not yet feel that there is justice in the situation. If a simple switch in the apology language is enough to resolve these lingering emotions, that's great. But if you find that these emotions are still lingering, it can point to a deeper issue.”

So, don’t hesitate to talk to your partner about what makes an apology feel real and impactful to them. If that isn’t enough to fix things, a couples therapist may be able to help with harder-to-untangle issues.