When The Nicest Mom Isn’t Actually So Nice

jessPicture this: you’re at the playground, surrounded by fellow moms. One smiles down at her little boy, who grabs her hand and asks for a snack; another calls a warning to their daughter to be careful on the playground. The sun shines through the trees, a warm breeze floats through the air, and you’re about to have a conversation with other actual adults—thank goodness.

These women share the same hopes and dreams and struggles you do. You’re alike in many ways, despite your differences. This is your group, your team, your clan. You are moms.

But, inevitably, there is one mom who sticks out. You know the one. You often think she could be a character in a book, she’s so (insert not-so-nice adjective here). She’s a member of your group—sort of. She’s tolerated, because you are nice people, and you don’t believe in excluding others (you’re constantly reminding your own kids of this!). You know what it is to be a mother: wonderful and also so difficult. It means you’re surrounded by someone else at all times and yet sometimes so alone. You get it. And so, you welcome her to the group, even though sometimes, she makes you wonder what is up with her.

As a novelist and recovering academic who spent decades working in healthcare and psychology, I spend a lot of time thinking about what is up with people—and putting fictionalized versions of them in my books. The reality is that we are all dealing with something; the individuals I write about exist on the spectrum of antisocial personality disorder. In real life, that’s probably not the case, but regardless, spotting unhealthy relationships, manipulation, and sabotage in friendships before you get too deep can make your life (and your kids’) much easier and safer.

I’ve met these moms on the playground, on my daughter’s sports teams, and even in the PTA. When you first meet them, they are friendly enough; they look and act like any other mom! You think maybe we will be friends! But then you get to know them, and reality sets in–that feeling of discomfort, that hesitation to reply to the text message, the need to say something, because what are they thinking?

Here are red flags in mom friends (or anyone!) that I’ve taken note of over the years.

1. The mom who puts down her child (and probably everyone else in her life). She tells you Liam isn’t that smart, or Mia isn’t that pretty. She may lack self-confidence, but that’s no excuse to bolster it by putting her own child down. If she’ll say this about her daughter or son, she’ll say it about anyone—including you or your child.
2. The mom who wants to be BFFs from the moment you meet, despite barely knowing you. Perhaps she is lonely… but it’s not your job to be her entire world, which it feels like you’re quickly becoming. These are the people who coined the phrase love-bombing, and while they might seem great to begin with (always available, text back ASAP, down for anything), they often end up controlling and isolating you.
3. The mom who knows better than everyone else, including the teachers, the principal, so and so’s mom, etc. We all have frustrations about our child’s school and the adjacent people, but sometimes we need to look for the common denominator, and when it’s one person, the issue is more likely them. If everyone is out to get you, maybe the problem is, ahem, you.
4. The mom who is miserable and who wants you to be miserable right along with her. I once met a mom who was going through trouble in her marriage, and I felt for her—rough times, right? But she was simultaneously trying to dig at my marriage, to find a crack she could stick her fingers into, so we could be miserable together. I turned the other way and ran; life is complicated enough without someone actively trying to tear down your relationship.
5. The mom who doesn’t hold her children accountable for their behavior… at the cost of your child’s safety. This mom is usually laid back, super cool, and wants to be everyone’s friend… while not minding her child. I get it, life is busy, and sometimes we need a break. But if your kid is endangering mine, that’s a problem.
6. The mom who undermines you as a parent. On a hot day when my daughter was six, another mom offered her a popsicle. My daughter had already had a cold treat, within the hour, so I said no—we teach about balance in my family, and this was not it. The mother informed me a popsicle wasn’t going to hurt her, and of course she could have it. We took our ball and went home. Unless I think your child is in danger, I won’t override your parenting. It’s disrespectful, and I don’t know your kid as well as you do. I expect the same respect in return.

Look, being a mom is hard. I’m all for giving grace to people going through it – because we’ve all been there at one point or another. I also know the importance of trusting your gut – —if something feels off about someone, there’s a reason. Call it motherly intuition! We’re all trying to survive in this world, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with another mom’s bad behavior.

Jessica Payne lives in Washington State with her daughter and husband and an internet search history that would raise eyebrows. A firm believer in strong coffee and stronger women, she writes about mothers who know how to handle a sniper rifle and a carpool schedule with equal precision. When she's not writing, you'll find her trail running through the forests of the Pacific Northwest as she plots her next fictional murder. She is the creator of the Substack community One Tired Mother.