Do you find putting on a whole face of cosmetic cake to be too much work? Do you wish you could cut your time at the vanity table in half? Do you wish you knew some handy makeup tips for those times when you are hung over, running thirty minutes late, and/or incapable of pulling yourself out of the crippling abyss of depression?
In short — do you want to look good, but not actually that good?
Then you’ve come to the right place.
I’ve compiled a list of “helpful” makeup hints that you can use any time you need to be presentable, but not particularly attractive. Consider the look you will achieve with these tips to be something along the lines of: “Yeah, I took a few minutes to put myself together. Not long enough to actually look that great, but at least I can say I tried. Kind of. You know–half-heartedly. Listen, got any Doritos? Because I could really go for some Doritos.”
Let’s get started!
TIP #1: Haven’t had the opportunity to deal with your ladystache? No problem! Take your trusty tweezers and just pluck out the 3 really dark hairs at each corner of your lips. Then cover the rest up with 10 pounds of concealer. You’re welcome.
TIP #2: Haven’t had the time to deal with your eyebrows? Not to worry! Whip out some white or off-white eye shadow and use it as a base on your upper lid area, above the crease. It will go a long way to concealing those revolting little eyebrow hairs that start worming their way to the surface .001 seconds after you’ve paid $30 for a wax.
TIP #3: Too much hassle to apply and reapply lipstick all day? Whatever. Just fill your whole lip in with lip liner or lip stain. Then apply Chapstick over the top, or Carmex if you want to smell like a greasy hospital. Aaaand done!
TIP #4: Spending way too much time and effort on your eyes? Why waste 25 minutes creating the perfect “smoky eye” or “neutral lid” or “rosy butthole” (that’s a thing, right?) when you can follow these simple steps:
1. Open up your eye shadow palette. 2. Pick three shades that are on – you know–basically the same color spectrum. 3. Mash them randomly around on your eyelid. 4. Call it good. (Only like 3 out of 10 people will notice a difference, and you’re good with those odds, right?)
TIP #5: Drag queens are amazing with contouring, but it looks like it takes forever! Forget the queens. Just do this 15 second trick. Take an overly dark blush (I think the kids call them “bronzers” these days) and paint a “3” on the left edge of your face — from forehead to cheekbone to chin. Then do a reverse “3” on the right edge. Voila! Don’t forget to blend or else you really will look like a drag queen. Which, unless you are a drag queen, is probably not what you’re going for.
TIP #6: Don’t have the patience for primer, BB cream, concealer, highlighter, foundation, powder, and blush? Girl, nobody does. Just stick some concealer on your eye bags and cover up your three biggest zits, then dust off your nose with powder. “Contour” as instructed in Tip #5 and then add a little blush to the apples of your cheeks. It won’t look fabulous, but it will look meh.
Now you’re done! You’ve saved so much time and energy! And you look… okay. Which can actually be a good thing. Liberating. Practical. Especially if you’re not looking for romantic attention, the approval of people prettier than you, a leg up at your job, the grudging respect of your sexual competition, the occasional flirtation with that one hot barista, special treatment in restaurants, free drinks in bars and nightclubs, or, you know. Compliments.
Best of luck with your new look!
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