If you’re a parent of young children, you might be asking yourself, “What is this ‘sleep’ you speak of?”
Parents learn to live on little to no sleep. We understand that trying to get kids to sleep is like trying to tame a pack of hyenas.
Once we finally get them to bed, our nights are filled with kids who wake up in the middle of the night because they need to use the bathroom, or had a bad dream, or need a drink of water, or want to stress-eat half a block of cheese. (Okay, that last one might have been me.)
Then our kids wake up at the ass-crack of dawn and need us to help them with everything all over again. I will never understand why they don’t want to sleep; it’s literally the only thing I want to do.
Luckily, the hilarious people of Twitter also understand what it’s like to have an elusive love affair with sleeping.
We start fantasizing about sleep from the moment we wake up:
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in 16 or 17 short hours."
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 23, 2017
Especially when we’re woken up when it’s still dark out:
Kid: I just wanted to see you.
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) January 30, 2016
Although parting with our bed is never easy:
A Haiku about getting out of bed. (pic) pic.twitter.com/FTjfpsJUJq
— PostSecret (@postsecret) May 26, 2014
As soon as we leave the house, we start thinking about when we can go home:
People say "go big or go home" as if going home is a bad thing? Like hell yeah I wanna go home, and I'm gonna take a nap when I get there.
— Devin Physique (@devinphysique) November 16, 2015
And when we meet up with other parents, we’re usually talking about how much we miss it:
Hanging out with other parents is basically just trying to one-up each other on how tired you are.
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) June 9, 2017
We’re not above bribing our kids to let us sleep:
Parenting tip: Tell your kids, "I'll give you each 5 bucks if you shut up for an hour while I take a nap."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 3, 2015
But that’s easier said than done:
M: I'm taking a nap, only wake me if it's an emergency
6: Like what?
M: A fire or blood
*3 min later*
6: THE BANANAS AREN'T RIPE
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) June 29, 2015
If we ever get around to inventing time travel, we know what we’ll do first:
Some days I want to time travel back to pregnant me and whisper, "Go take a nap. This is your last chance!"
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) January 19, 2017
Or teleportation, for that matter:
if teleportation becomes a real thing i'm just gonna use it to zap myself to a different timezone and get 3 hours of extra sleep every night
— chuuch (@ch000ch) February 15, 2016
Becoming a sleep-deprived parent definitely changes your perspective on things:
The worst thing about babies is how little they appreciate all the sleep they get.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) December 29, 2015
On lots of things, actually:
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
— 🇺🇸Frank Whitehouse 🇺🇸 (@WheelTod) March 27, 2015
In fact, too much sleep deprivation can really take its toll:
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
— Brandon, But Longer Now. Look How Long This Is!!!! (@UNDEADTRESOR) January 16, 2015
But no matter what, our end goal is always clear:
whenever i am out somewhere there is a 99% chance i am thinking about going home and sleeping
— *sarcastic emoji* (@ThinkSarcasm) August 7, 2016
And sleep is our absolute favorite kind of plans:
Even on those rare nights we get some alone time with our spouse:
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 26, 2014
But let’s be honest, those nights alone are few and far between:
Parenting multiple kids is mostly just trying to keep the awake ones quiet enough that the sleeping ones stay asleep.
— Ash (@adult_mom) January 20, 2017
And getting the kids to sleep is half the battle:
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you're wondering it's 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 31, 2016
Maybe closer to three-quarters of the battle:
We make jokes but we love our kids so much.
Also, we wish they would go to sleep.
Mostly though, we love them.
But also, the sleep thing.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) August 12, 2017
Okay, most of the battle:
I taught my kids to be strong-willed, outspoken, assured individuals. Which is good. Except at bedtime; at bedtime it fucking sucks.
— highlyirritable (@highlyirritable) March 22, 2012
But once we’re out, there’s very little that can deter us from staying asleep:
Parenthood means finding random shit like chopsticks in your bed and saying meh, rolling over & going back to sleep.
— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) January 30, 2017
We used to fantasize about traveling the world and doing all sorts of sexy things, but now all we want is some silence and 8–10 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Luckily, the holidays are right around the corner. I’ll take a hotel room to myself and some melatonin, please.