I LOVE The Bachelor. To me, it is the perfect form of entertainment. Since my love of the show runs deep, I find myself analyzing it. I recently realized part of the reason I love it so much is that I can totally relate. No, it’s not the glamorous dresses, extravagant dates or the endless trash-talking that I relate to. It’s the fact that being the Bachelor is pretty much the same as having a little kid!
1. Everyone Wants to Be the Center of Attention
After you have a kid, you quickly learn that your time is no longer your own to focus on what you choose. In fact, you will focus on what they chose—themselves. Any time you’re around your child, they will want your full, undivided attention. The Bachelor has to deal with this same attention hogging plight. All the women want him to pay attention to them and only them. They all want the one-on-one date, they all want the rose, and they all want it now.
2. You Must Handle Them With Kid Gloves
When you have children, it kind of goes without saying that you need to treat them differently than you would a normal person. For instance, have you ever been to a little kids’ recital? It sucks. Sure, it looks cute when most of the kids don’t know the words, half the kids are doing their own unique interpretive dance, and a few of them just stand picking their noses. Inevitably your kid will come up to you after the recital and want to know how they did. What do you do?! You obviously can’t tell the truth. I’ve found a combination of a sing-songy voice, feigned excitement, a few white lies, and a hug can get you a long way.
The same strategy applies for Bachelor contestants. What does the Bachelor do when he doesn’t want to respond to an awkward question? He avoids the answer with a hug. How about when yet another contestant endlessly explains the intricacies of their “interesting” hobby? Obviously, he feigns excitement and smiles. How does the Bachelor deal with 25 women on a quest for his love? Kid gloves my friends, kid gloves.
3. At Some Point in the Day, Someone Is Bound to Cry
Sunny or rainy. Day or night. Winter or spring. Sometimes, like teapots, it’s a slow and steady build. Other times you are blindsided by a Jekyll and Hyde experience. The who/what/when/where/why doesn’t matter—when you have small children, at some point in a 24-hour period your kid is gonna cry. You know where else you find that? You guessed it, The Bachelor. Look ladies, the Bachelor knows, Chris Harrison knows, even the viewers know that at some in point every episode we are going to witness some type of tears/meltdown.
4. Imaginations Run Wild
One of the coolest parts of having a little kid is watching them play and seeing their imaginations at work. Where you may see a cardboard box from your latest Amazon delivery, your kid sees a spaceship or a pirate ship or a flying carpet. It’s a pretty amazing feeling watching how the mind of a young child can take something so simple and invent a creative, albeit sometimes outlandish scenario.
You know where else you can watch a person invent an outlandish scenario with no logical premise? On The Bachelor, where grown women believe that a friendly smile secretly means true love, a rose equals everlasting commitment, and that drunken secret interview won’t continue to haunt you for years to come.
5. You Never Really Know What to Expect
If I had to make one blanket statement about kids in general, it would be that they definitely keep you on your toes. One second, the baby is laughing uncontrollably, and the next second, they are crying bloody murder. One day your toddler loves the color blue, and the next day they hate it so much they won’t even look at the sky. Kids are weirdly fickle creatures that make it impossible to predict their demeanor from day-to-day and minute-to-minute.
You know where I’ve seen similar behavior? On The Bachelor. I don’t know if it’s the stress of living in a mansion with absolutely no responsibilities, the pressure of falling in love with a man they had less than 30 minutes face time with, or just the copious amounts of alcohol they are undoubtedly drinking. I’m not sure what it is, but let me tell ya, it keeps me coming back for more every Monday night.
6. They Constantly Interrupt
When you have a baby, doing even the simplest task straight through can become near impossible—doing the laundry, writing a to-do list, having an uninterrupted phone call, even taking a shower. Have you noticed a Bachelor Cocktail Party is essentially the same? Pretty much the second the champagne cork pops, the interruptions begin. I get it ladies, you all want your turn to charm the guy, but can’t you at least pretend to have a little more common courtesy than a 2-year-old?
7. You Need to Plan Outings to Keep Them Happy
The zoo, the park, Gymboree—you’ll always find these places packed with mothers and children. Why? Because babies need outings if they are going to be happy. And a happy baby = a happy mommy. The same concept goes for the 25 lucky ladies selected to woo the Bachelor. From helicopter rides to private concerts to talent shows in Vegas, these ladies are kept entertained with constant adventures. Their outings may be more extravagant, but the formula is the same.
8. You’ll See a Lot of Weird Faces
As a mom, you constantly encounter ridiculous looking faces. As much as you resist it, if you have a kid odds are at some point you will utter the phrase: “Stop making that face or it will get stuck that way.” But, who can blame kids? They get a kick out of it and have fun looking ridiculous and getting a rise out of adults. You would think, though, that a couple dozen grown women on national TV vying for one man’s love would have a little more control over their faces. I get it, they “forget” the cameras are there and are just “being themselves.” But, come on, really?!
One thing remains as certain as a woman professing her love by episode three, my love of The Bachelor is steadfast. For as long as ABC blesses my Monday nights with this spectacular show, you will find me running to the sofa faster than you can say, “Turn off the TV before the ‘Next Week on The Bachelor‘ preview shows who gets picked for the one-on-one date.”