Can you Christmas? Because I just cannot.
It’s only the beginning of December, and I’m already sugar-plummed out, and I haven’t even begun to shop, plan, party, bake, sprinkle, wrap, and spread even the first amount of holiday cheer.
How about we all just take a vow to lighten our load this Christmas and agree to scale things down a bit? I mean, let’s all quit the Christmas competitions and exhausting commitments and decide there are plenty of Christmas things that it’s high time to just stop giving a crap about.
Moms, it’s time to put some sanity and solidarity back into the season, amiright?
1. The Perfect Family Christmas Photo
Listen, we know what you look like. Your kids are adorable. Your family is gorgeous. If forced photography stresses you out, then just forget it. Take a big, fabulous family selfie of everybody in their flannel pajamas lounging on the couch and call it a day.
2. The Organic, Non-GMO, Free-Range, Vegan, Kale-Enhanced Holiday Feast
Grandma’s 50-year-old stuffing recipe from a box, a store-bought pumpkin pie, and green beans from a can covered in cream-of-whatever soup will work just fine. Now relax.
3. Weight Gain
Just go ahead and indulge. Eat the cookies and the peppermint bark. Drink the egg nog. Nobody ever said in the last months of their life, “Man, I really shouldn’t have had that extra gingerbread man in 1993.”
4. The Impeccably Thought-Out, Super-Special Present for Your Spouse
Seriously, you know what they really want, and it’s still free. Save some dough and just hit the sheets. Mistletoe optional.
5. A Tree That’s Decorated like Martha Stewart Stopped By
If it has lights, all the kids’ “Baby’s First Christmas” ornaments, and an angel or star on top, you’re good. Now walk away.
6. The Neighbor’s Amazeballs 50,000 Strands of Lights You Can in No Way Compete With
Place some candles in your windows with a sign that says, “We support the house next door. And saving the planet. Noel, ya’ll!”
7. Rude Shoppers, Rude Cashiers, Rude Mall Parking Lot Drivers
Just smile at them, heed Elsa’s advice, and let it go. Remind yourself you have no idea what they’re dealing with this Christmas, and don’t get angry. Instead, say to yourself, “I hope that person’s day gets better.” Then move on.
8. The Elf on the Shelf
Do it. Don’t do it. Who cares? Go over the top and have your Elf at all-night disco parties with Barbie. Or just leave that sucker sitting on the coffee table for days. Don’t mock the overzealous Elf moms, and don’t knock the lazy ones. Remember, it’s about the kids, and it’s not a competition.
9. Your Inner Perfectionist
Tell that everything-has-to-be-joyfully-perfect-this-Christmas voice to take a coal-filled stocking and shove it up her yuletide ass. Just be present. Live the holidays. Sit for longer. Listen harder. Watch deeper. Nobody will be arriving at your door on the 25th with a first-place Christmas trophy.
10. Having a Glamorous New Year’s Eve Bash to Attend
If you’ve got a houseful of kids, chances are your best New Year’s Eve party night has already happened, and another one is not on the horizon for a while. So just put the kids to bed, crack open the cheap champagne, and binge on the last three seasons of Friends. Enjoy the fact that all your kids are actually tucked in and home on New Year’s Eve, because the days of you staying up all night worrying about how crazy they’re possibly getting are right around the corner.