I watch enough cooking shows to know that every occasion in the universe comes with an appropriate menu. During the holidays, I know exactly what kind of spread will impress my family and neighbors. For birthdays, it’s all about that cake.
But what about those sticky parenting situations like when your kid tells everyone at the neighbor’s barbecue about how Mommy farts every time she eats ice cream. Or that other time when your kid declared in the middle of the grocery store checkout that he knows how that baby got in Mommy’s belly? What about those occasions?!
Well, problem solved! If you find yourself muddling your way through one of these ridiculous parenting situations, then rest assured that there is a food pairing of the comfort variety to help you through the stress. You’re welcome.
Situation No. 1: The Public Temper Tantrum
This calls for meat sweats to the Nth degree. I’m not even kidding. Go order up a hoagie, grinder, sub—whatever you call it—from wherever you live and make sure it is so fully loaded that you will break out in a soul-cleaning sweat bath to rinse away the embarrassment that comes when your child gets all wildly possessed and throws down like a mofo in motha-freaking-public!
Situation No. 2: Your Kid Keeps You Up All Night
Coffee will not cut it once the sun rises. You will need something slightly stronger than caffeine but just a twinge less than meth in order to kick your butt into something resembling energy to face the whole day. You need gobs of sugar—stat. This would be about the time that those ridiculous recipes on Pinterest that call for ingredients like 7 Snickers bars, a jar of Nutella, and 27 vanilla wafer cookies come in handy.
Situation No. 3: Your Kid Drops an F-Bomb in Front of a Non-Family Person
Oh, honey, I get it, believe me. Kids will say the darndest things during the most inappropriate times. This is when you need something chewy to shove into your child’s mouth, and possibly yours—because let’s face it, if your jaw is busy chewing then it can’t be busy talking and that’s when you get to turn on one heel and hightail it out of that tragic situation.
Situation No. 4: Your Kid Breaks Something at Someone Else’s House
Oh, fun! Your kid just broke something possibly valuable at someone else’s house. You go out of your way to help clean up the mess, you reprimand your kid, and you leave as quickly as you can with your tail between your legs because that’s really all you can do. Then go directly to the store and buy one of those chocolate oranges that you can smash with your fist in order to open it up, because that is probably going to feel really good after how embarrassed you just felt.
Situation No. 5: The Non-Stop Talking
Reach for that family-size bag of chips and dip them into every flavor of sour-cream-based dip you can imagine. Keep that train of crunchy calorie heaven coming while you chomp your way through the frustration of having to endure listening to three hours of every thought your kid ever had on Minecraft—oh my God.
Situation No. 6: Unsolicited Advice From Total Assholes Strangers
You need the fierce fire of spices to match the fury that comes with the urge to smack the dipshit who thinks they know more about your kids than you do—and has the balls to tell you so. But you also need the comfort of carbs. This situation calls for tacos! Or nachos! Or enchiladas! Just make sure you get a salt-rimmed margarita to go with it.
Situation No. 7: Your Kid Finally Utters Those Horrible Words, ‘I Hate You!’
You can’t decide if you’re winning at parenting or losing. But when you hear those words pealing out of your kid’s mouth like a Camaro at a bank heist you realize that this is a job for wine. Go directly to the box. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
Situation No. 8: Your Kid Asks You Uncomfortable Questions Like, ‘What’s This?’ While Holding Up Your Box of Tampons
Uh. Yeeeah. When your eye is done twitching, I’m going to tell you to hit up that box again. Because, hello awkward! You know what goes great with this situation, in addition to wine? Complete comfort food like a melted bowl of cheese and a giant plate of crackers. Also, get into the fetal position while wearing a blanket and a ratty robe. You’re pretty much going to be paralyzed on the couch for the next hour.
With a few basic staples in your pantry and a healthy sense of humor, you too can cook your way through any situation parenting can throw at you.