One Mom Asked Reddit, “How Do You Maintain A Close Relationship With Your Teens?”

If there’s one universal thing every parent wants as their kids grow, it’s to remain as close to them when they’re teens as you are with them when they’re little. It’s not easy — hormones, life circumstances, changing interests — and it may always look a little different, but most parents truly hope that they’ll always have a bond with their kid.

Because we all remember how tough it was to be a teen (and the possible hell we put our own parents through), one user went to Reddit’s /Mommit subreddit to ask parents of older kids how they were able to maintain a close relationship as their children grew.

And Reddit, of course, had some answers.

The original post reads, “I had a tumultuous relationship with my mom during my teens, rejected her a lot, and we had fights and ups and downs. I know this is a normal thing that happens during these years as teens want more independence, but I don't want to repeat mistakes with my own children as they go through the teen years — and I worry about my relationship with my daughter. She's only 6 right now so there's so much time until teen years, but I like to think ahead and prepare. I want us to be close but also for her to have her independence and feel I trust her. But I also don't want to be too lax and permissive and then regret it.”

She followed up asking for any and all advice, including what won’t work to build this kind of relationship. And honestly, the responses were pretty amazing (and way less overwhelming than you think). From going on walks to long car rides to ease communication — that never becomes nagging — there were a lot of great tips on how to keep your bond and closeness with your child as they grow.

“I’m not far into teen years but I felt my teen son drifting, which to some extent is normal. I talked to him about it. He has natural interests with his dad but we didn’t have a thing. I told him I value our relationship and his presence. We threw around a few ideas of activities we can do together to connect and settled on a quick evening walk. I let him talk, I don’t harp, I don’t try to change the subject. And now he asks if I’m ready to go on a walk most evenings,” wrote one user.

“Treat them like individuals, not extensions of you,” another commenter shared. “They'll have their own likes/dislikes and they will be different from yours, and that's OK. My mom and I fought because that's how she treated me — as a reflection of her.” This same user added that finding a common TV show or movie to enjoy with your kids is also helpful, as it can become a nice, easy bonding activity for both of you.

“I think a home full of joy and laughter is so important! Play with your kids, make jokes, prank each other. I remember being 16 and walking in the door and my siblings and mom ‘attacking’ me with a group hug and us making a giant pile on the floor. I was mad at my parents frequently as a teen but never questioned that they loved me or I loved them. Underneath it all I always wanted to make them proud of me,” another user wrote.

Another simple tip? “Ask their advice often. It creates trust.”

“I’m definitely no expert, but somehow managed to keep close relationships with both my kids (now in college). My best advice? Apologize. If they are hurt by something you did or said but they totally took it wrong and misunderstood or blew it out of proportion, doesn’t matter — to them it is a big deal. Apologize. (It took me a while to figure this out.)”

Through all of the advice though, parents were quick to remind the original poster (OP) that you can do everything right and try your best and do all the things, and the teen years can still be really, really hard. It’s not your fault, it’s not your teen’s fault — it’s just how things go. Growing pains, hormonal changes, trying to figure out who they are and what they like — it can all pile up quickly.

So be patient. Ask them questions. Remind them that you’re there and that, no matter what, you will always be there. You want your teen to trust you — that’s the real root of being close with your kids — and it’s something everyone has to build. But by starting now, while your kids are little, you can keep it growing and growing so you can get through the teen years together.