Up For Debate: If You’re In A Happy Marriage, Should You Warn Your Kids About Bad Ones?

Are you a bona fide cycle breaker, someone who grew up in a broken or even abusive family situation and has done the work and changed everything so that your kids can have a better, happier life? First off, I salute you — I, too, didn’t have great examples of marriage growing up, but with some luck and a lot of discernment, I now find myself in a very happy and healthy marriage. My young son has a much different impression of how adults get along than I ever did. So when a TikTok video saying I should warn him about bad marriages came across my feed, it made me stop and think.

In a video posted by TikTok creator @evriemmi, she says parents in successful, happy marriages have a duty to “warn” their kids that not all relationships go that way. “If you are in a very happy marriage, if all your kids see is your intentionality, your collaboration, and your overall success, you need to also warn them,” she says. “You need to also be very intentional about telling them that there are narcissistic people out there, that there are players out there, that there are people who will be dead-set on ruining them, because they will go out into the world and think that everyone is going to be like their mom and dad.”

She goes on to say that it’s much easier for people who do not come from broken homes “to get broken,” as they may not realize bad partners exist and that some people don’t have pure intentions in their relationships.

At first, this may seem like a bit of a millennial parenting moment: trying to head off any possible trauma for your child before it even has a chance to happen (at least, that’s what I thought). But if the comments are any indication, getting this information from their happily married parents may have actually changed some people’s lives.

“My mom told me this. This happened to her. Her parents had a ‘perfect marriage.’ She assumed no one fought when married and that no one treated spouses the way my dad did,” one commenter wrote. “As a daughter of happily married parents who WASN’T warned about that… YES!” said another. In replies to that comment, another user said, “Same lol i just thought everyone had happy, healthy and prosperous marriages. I was sadly mistaken.”

Other users shared that their parents were very intentional about ensuring they knew to choose a spouse carefully. “My parents told me over and over while I was growing up that they chose each other because they knew they would be good partners and parents. My dad specifically, still to this day, when I mention how much I love my mom, says, ‘I picked her just for you,’” said one. Another wrote, “I tell my kids that picking my spouse was the biggest life decision I made. Do not think that good marriages just happen! Intention is everything.”

For what it’s worth, it does sound like some parents are proactively doing this. “Yes, me and my husband tell our son the truth. What to look for, etc. The good, the bad, and the ugly. We even tell him about how to spot a narcissistic person. We will continue to be intentional. You are right!”

So, what do you think? How do you talk to your children about finding healthy partners as they enter the dating pool?