A Mom Needs Advice After Her Daughter Got Into A Dream College They Can’t Afford

Every now and then, I’ll realize I only have about five more years before my oldest is off to college. And while the thought of her leaving the nest and going out on her own is scary enough, wondering about money — groceries, gas in her car, school supplies — is terrifying, too. We’ve even talked to her about scholarships already and how helpful they can be for attending the college you want.

But what happens if your kid gets into their dream school... and they have no way to pay for it?

One parent on Reddit shared that they have a “high school senior with unrealistic college expectations.” The original poster (OP) explained that their senior daughter applied to 13 different colleges, but her dream school costs almost $80,000 a year and is almost 2,000 miles away. “She doesn’t have the best grades, didn’t apply for extra scholarships, nor find any extra money,” OP wrote. “Now she’s upset that her number one school that she did get into — congratulations — is not realistic unless she wants to come out of college almost $300,000 in debt (awarded $3,500 per year!).”

OP added that it’s absolutely an option for their daughter to go to school closer to home for a lot less money and receive the same education, but their daughter is “sad she’s not getting her way, telling her mom, “I’m just sad that my family can’t afford to pay for this.” OP said that their kid is great — lots of interests, in tons of clubs, a good teen — “but maybe I’ve spoiled her a little too much that she has unrealistic expectations. I’m beyond upset by the unrealistic expectations and lack of motivation or understanding.”

Woof. OK. So, how do we handle this?

Maybe our first reaction is to scold the parent: Why did you let her apply there in the first place? Of course, so many things could’ve happened. OP’s daughter could’ve received a scholarship, maybe her application would’ve triggered the admissions office to offer some extra financial aid, maybe she wouldn’t have been accepted at all, and that would be easier than getting accepted and having to turn it down — we just don’t know.

But while I love that any kid is allowed to chase their dreams, it does make you think about what happens when their dream can’t happen because of something as boring as a lack of funds.

“I think it’s OK for her to be disappointed and express it as long as she’s being respectful and not making demands. It’s hard to process when you first realize that ‘doing your best’ and ‘believing in yourself’ aren’t actually enough to make expensive dreams come true,” one commenter wrote.

“She’s allowed to be disappointed that she won’t get to go to her dream school. Who wouldn’t be? And she’s allowed to feel sad that you guys can’t pay for it (without you feeling guilty that you can’t). Let her be sad. Give her a hug and tell her you know she’s disappointed she won’t be going there and that it really sucks that the cost makes it out of reach. And then just sit with that. It doesn’t need to be fixed or changed,” another wrote.

“It’s probably the first time she is really realizing how expensive things are, and how most people don't get to do everything they want to do. It’s OK for her to feel disappointed,” another added.

Some commenters pointed out that OP should’ve been talking about the expense of college beforehand. OP replied that they have been — “we’ve been discussing this since seventh grade” — and made the argument that if their kid was really set on that school, they should’ve been doing the work beforehand to figure out how they’d get in, like applying for scholarships, getting higher grades and better test scores, and really fighting for it.

Many of the comments offered possible compromises, like going to a community school for two years and then moving into a more expensive college. Or finding an in-state school (OP is in New Jersey and says none of the in-state schools are free, but they are cheaper) that OP’s daughter feels good at and going there, at least for a couple of years, and seeing if they’d like to transfer or go to a better school.

My favorite advice came from college professors and employees themselves.

“Prof here. Let her know that the average undergraduate debt in the US is about $29K now. That is enough to be a burden for most people, as it represents a $350/month payment for ten years. Nobody should agree to debt beyond perhaps $50K tops for a BA/BS degree, doing so is foolhardy,” one commenter wrote. They added that at the private university they work at — where tuition is about $75,000 a year — only the “rich kids” pay that, while lower class kids with good grades get financial aid, and middle class kids with average grades get a smaller merit package.

“Just an observation as someone who teaches at a university. The idea of a ‘dream school’ is almost never about the quality of academic programs and often more about the college experience they imagine, which is mostly just good marketing,” another added.

Plenty of parents also shared that, really, the school you go to doesn’t matter all that much. An education is an education, and it really depends on what she wants to do and be. Going to an expensive, out-of-state school to get a “normal” degree? It feels silly. Grad school can be a dream school, too.

We all want our kids’ dreams to come true — and nothing sucks more than telling them that, no matter how hard they try, something just isn’t going to work out for them... especially as they’re about to set off into the real world. But open communication about finances and expectations is always helpful, and remembering that it really is OK to be sad. OP’s daughter hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s allowed to be disappointed with the situation and wish there was a better outcome.

And so is OP.