The Low-Bar Guide To Starting School Year

It was Friday night of the first week of school, and I was throwing a back-to-school party. Using all my Pinterest Mom Energy, I'd invited over my kids' friends, cooked a new recipe (with vegetables no one asked for), and had the bubble machine going. Everyone was overstimulated and underslept, and within thirty minutes three kids were crying, two were screaming, and I was hiding in the bathroom. By the time the last family left, I swore I'd never try to "push the fun" of a school year again, and instead, lower the bar, much like I wanted to lower myself onto the kitchen floor and stay there.

That was the September I started making a very different kind of list. Not a list of things to do to make the year special, but a list of things not to do, because "special" was exactly what had wrecked us. There are plenty of items on the back-to-school to-do list that are mandatory, but there are just as many we invent ourselves, and those are the ones that get in the way of what actually matters: joy, fun, relaxation. In that spirit, here are the ten things NOT to do this September. Look at you not doing things already! You're already ahead of the pack.

1. Don't ask your kid how their day was. This question, if they're even able to answer it, will get you a broad "fine" at best. Other questions work better: Who did you sit with at lunch? What was the funniest thing that happened today? And if you have a very recalcitrant kiddo, "did anyone get in trouble today?" always gets answered, at least in my introvert house.

2. Don't take a PTA role (but go to the meetings). It can be tempting to dive into volunteering at your kid's school (goodness knows the need is great, and men in particular need to stand up . But instead, go to the meeting without signing up for a particular position. Get to know the leadership, structure, and vibe of the organization first, then this spring, or next summer, pick your role. This will keep you from joining the committees that aren't a good fit, which is a nice way of saying there are people you'll want to spend hours with, and many, many you won't.

3. Don't worry over laundry, maybe even embrace no-fold September. One of my greatest contributions to my fellow parents is articulating why I don't fold clothes. This September, look around your house and ask what parts of laundry you can lower the bar on. Do those PE clothes need to be folded? No. Is it time to make laundry your kid's responsibility? If they can reach the bottom of the washer, I vote yes. What parts of laundry can you fold up and put away forever?

4. Don't cook dinner; prep it instead. In September (and honestly most of the year), I don't cook for my family. Instead, I've taken to doing what I call "preparing" dinner. September is not the time for new recipes. It is the time for chicken nuggets. Your kids' favorite frozen foods are the extent of your meal plan. And yes, canned fruit counts as a vegetable, at least in my house.

5. Don't email your kid's teacher... yet. It’s normal to want tointroduce your kid, yourself, and all the quirks and, well, needs of your family when the school year starts. Instead, pause. Even if your kid is young, let them establish their own relationship with their teacher.. (Unless of course there's a safety or health concern you need to share.) This isn't so the teacher views you as the cool, relaxed parent, but because it shows your kid they can trust other adults, and that you trust them to build their own relationships with other people. If things feel rocky, give it a few weeks before reaching out, and try coaching your kid on your side first.

6. Don't make lunch, opt for school lunch instead. In the spirit of starting how you mean to go on, start the year without a lunchbox and the nightly scramble of "what does my kid even eat again," and instead encourage (or even bribe, say with a Saturday morning donut) your kid to eat school lunch. More kids will be eating it at the beginning of the year than at any other time, and if you can hook them now, you've freed up hundreds of hours you can spend reading, or scrolling, or, in the spirit of this list, doing nothing at all.

7. Don't be cool, be contactable. Hand out your number freely to other parents, even ones you've just met at pickup. The parent who's frazzled in September is often hilarious by November, and the one who looks perfectly pulled together is often a stress case underneath it. Don't judge on first impressions, lest ye be judged on your drop-off sweatpants. That parent you awkwardly exchanged numbers with might be your kid's playdate lifeline by winter.

8. Don't buy new clothes... yet. As kids get older, they often want to fit in with their friends, and while that can be annoying, it's also developmentally right on track. Rather than buying the backpack, shoes, and outfits before the year starts, let them know you'll shop in October, once they've had a chance to see what brands, styles, and trends their peers are actually into.

9. Don't take your first day of school photo on the first day. There is nothing worse than whisper-screaming "SMILE!" at your kid as you see the school bus pull up. Take it the night before instead, backpack on, uniform ready, everyone still calm. No one will know the difference, and you'll actually get a photo where nobody's mid-meltdown.

10. Don't make any plans. Especially for Friday nights. No weekend trips, no big social commitments, nothing that adds pressure to a month that's already asking a lot of everyone. Keep the calendar empty. A wide-open September gives you room to actually feel the transition instead of sprinting through it.

None of this is really about laundry, or lunch, or PTA roles. It's about teaching our kids that we can't control everything with to-do lists and perfect execution, and that doing less is sometimes the way we actually get to enjoy things. This year, how we start is how we mean to go on: joyful, relaxed, and full of frozen pizza.

Kathleen Donahoe is a writer and poet living in Seattle. Publications include Cup of Jo, Romper, NYTimes and her popular humor substack A Little Laugh. She is currently writing her first novel.