What Parents Get Wrong About Teaching Kids About Consent
We were taught growing up that “manners” mattered more than our comfort. We can do better by our kids.
A relative leans in for a hug. Your kid backs away. What you do in that 10-second window teaches more about consent than any talk you'll have at 13.
Consent doesn't start with one big conversation about sex but, rather, a series of “whethers.” Whether a toddler gets to say "no more" mid-tickle-fight. Whether you knock before walking into your tween’s room. Whether "stop" actually means stop, even when everyone else is laughing.
Most of us aren't trying to override our kids’ boundaries. A far more probable scenario: We're just trying to get through one family gathering without a scene. Because somewhere along the way, a lot of us learned that being polite matters more than being comfortable.
And we need to talk about where that goes wrong.
Treating Consent Like It Only Applies to Sex
Ericka Hart, sex educator and author of Nasty Work, says bodily autonomy should start as early as infancy — with diaper changes. "When changing a diaper, a parent or caregiver can talk through what they're doing," Hart says. The baby won't understand the words, but that's not the point. Narrating what's happening makes explaining and asking permission feel like a normal part of caring for someone's body.
It just keeps showing up after that, from the toddler who's done being tickled to the kid who doesn’t want to hug the relative they hardly know. Parents can model the same thing back: asking before posting a photo online or saying, "Can I give you a hug?" instead of assuming.
Forcing Affection to Be "Polite"
This biggie is the hardest to unlearn because it's baked into how most of us were raised.
Your kid hides behind your legs as a relative looms over them, arms outstretched for an unsolicited hug. Suddenly you're bartering on their behalf. "Just one quick hug." "You'll hurt Grandma's feelings." It feels normal because most of us grew up inside it. Hart says what it really teaches kids is that their "no" doesn't count. "When someone wants to hug a child, they often go in even if the child is resisting, or guilt-trip them," she says. "This teaches children that their body should serve other people's wants."
Another way to reframe this is to remind yourself that kids don't have to ignore people to maintain boundaries. A wave, a high-five, a fist bump — these all still count as acknowledging someone. And when a relative pushes past a kid's "no" anyway, Hart says the onus falls on the parent to step in. "If a child says no to a kiss, that should be the end of the discourse," she says. "People may feel it's over the top, but we want to raise children who know that 'no' is a complete sentence."
Ignoring Emotional Boundaries
Not all boundaries are physical. Respecting your kid’s boundaries might look like letting them shut the bathroom door or not expecting them to explain every feeling the second you ask. If they don’t want a sibling climbing on them like a jungle gym, pull little bro off.
Hart says respecting emotional boundaries teaches an important lesson: "It reiterates to children that they are in control of their emotions and only their emotions.” It works both directions, too — kids get to say no, but they also have to learn to hear it when someone else does.
Not Giving Kids a Chance to Practice
Parents want kids who can stand up for themselves, but rarely give them the chance to try. Tickling is the clearest example, because it's the one time your kid is shrieking with joy and also begging you to stop. That's a deeply confusing combination if you're, say, 5. "Oftentimes, children will say stop, and the parent or sibling won't stop because everyone is laughing," Hart says. "We should still stop and check in."
Small, low-stakes phrases like "No thank you," "I don't like that," and "Please stop" help kids get comfortable speaking up. Nobody gets this right every time! What'll stick with your kid the most are the times you stopped when you heard "no" (in whatever form it came across). Kids notice whether their boundaries are respected. They pay attention to whether the same rules apply to everyone.
The reality is a lot of us are still unlearning the same message: that "no" is the opening move in a negotiation, not the end of one… including the very human instinct to mutter, "Just hug your uncle so we can leave already."
Ericka Hart teaches a virtual class for pre-teens and teens about topics that aren’t discussed in most schools, including bodily autonomy/consent. Follow her at @ihartericka.
