These days, it’s virtually impossible not to be sucked into a community group on Facebook. Whether it’s for your child’s sports team, to support your leggings habit or to connect with professionals in your field, chances are, you are a member of at least one group on Facebook.
And, while Facebook groups can be a great way to disseminate information to a targeted handful of people, group personalities can also take on a whole other level of bullshit.
I’ve seen fights break out over school curriculum changes and dress codes in our local school group. And don’t get me started on groups for disgruntled customers or for moms who want to connect with other moms. Administrators on power trips and people with too much time on their hands have led to some pretty epic public meltdowns in group forums. With the advent of screen shots, nothing is private and everything is fair game when a group fight breaks out.
Over the years, I have joined at least thirty groups for various reasons and, in each one, there are distinct personalities that emerge as the group works toward a common goal.
The Irritated Administrator
Listen, she doesn’t get paid for this shit, okay? When she started this group, she did not think she’d be policing a bunch of grown-ups acting like middle schoolers so just get your shit together and stop clogging her inbox with IMs about people who are pissing you off in the group. Oh, and if you could PLEASE fill out the form with your updated address, that would be great, thanks.
The “I Probably Don’t Know How to Use Google” Poster
Everyone hates this guy. He’s the one who asks questions that are easily answered by Google. I’m sorry, sir, but please STFU with your “What county am I on this map?” questions because the rest of us are over your stupidity. If you can’t figure out how to access this group, you can google.
We all know a group lurker and, sometimes, it’s hard to prove that the lurker is even in the group still. But, you know she’s still there because she’s listed as a group member. She’s quietly collecting information, possibly gathering screenshots, and she’s silently judging everyone in there.
The “I Answer First Every Single Time” Person
We get it: you know the answers to every goddamned question. This gal makes you wonder what exactly she does with her time because she seems to answer questions before the poster is even finished asking his question. No one likes a know it all, Diane, so take several seats. #infinityeyeroll
The “Popcorn GIF” dropper
When a fight breaks out in a group, inevitably, there’s one douchecanoe who drops a Michael Jackson eating popcorn GIF because he’s excited for the dramatic throw down. Stop with the pop, okay, Jack, because you look like a drama llama and you need to find a new GIF.
The “Pot Stirrer Drama Queen”
Every group has a pot stirrer and, while everyone rolls their eyes when they see she’s posted yet another drama scenario, we all secretly love when she drums up drama. And, also, what else would the Popcorn GIF guy do in the group without the Pot Stirrer to start arguments?
The “Rule Policer”
This guy is exhausted, you guys. Pointing out every group infraction and keeping everyone in line is hard work, but he’s up to the task. Because rules are important, people. And, he’s very proud of the 14-page rule manifesto he just posted in the Files section of the group. Don’t forget to comment that you’ve read his rules because he will tag you.
The “Link Dropper”
If you’ve participated in a professional group long enough, you’ll encounter the Link Dropper. She’s the one who hasn’t commented or participated in the group for a month, but who will pop on in to tout her latest project when it suits her.
The “Super Peppy Cheerleader Party Organizer”
This gal is adorable. Really. And she wants everyone in the neighborhood to mingle and bond at the fantastic events she plans. Block parties! Group nights at sporting events! Pub crawls on rented buses! She’s your good time gal and she’s more than happy to plan a memory making night for you and 36 of your closest neighbors. And, she will hound you incessantly for that RSVP.
The “Slightly Misinformed Just FYI” poster
This is usually the neighbor who has most of the story correct, but a few details have either been misinterpreted or left out for dramatic effect. “Just FYI, I just heard that the police stormed the ice cream shop on the corner of Main and South so avoid that area!” In actuality, the local police are hosting a “check your carseat event”in the ice cream shop parking lot but, thanks for the info, Sally. #eyerollingagain
The “I Know Everything in the Neighborhood Before It Happens” neighbor
Every neighborhood has that one gal who knows everything, even before it happens. She has a highly culled and reputable list of sources for all neighborhood gossip and she’s your go to gal when it comes to finding out why there’s an ambulance in front of the Smith’s house for the fourth time this month.
The “I’ll Just IM My Question to the Admin Instead of Asking the Group” person
Just stop. The admin does not get paid for this shit. Got it?
The “Uncomfortable Oversharer”
Oh, Jesus. Janet posted about her bad case of hemorrhoids again and she’s blaming the Taco Bell she ate last night and OMG, Janet, stop talking about your butthole in our school group, would you?
Now, if you’ll excuse me, a fight just broke out in my neighborhood group, and I don’t want to miss a minute of the action. I won’t post a popcorn GIF, though, I promise.