Brace yourselves: the poop knife is coming
Life comes at you pretty fast. One minute you’re just happily going about your day, without a care in the world (if you ignore your kids and your spouse and your job and also the actual world), the next day you pop online and you read a story about a poop knife.
A poop knife.
It all started when a user named “LearnedButt” shared a story in the confession section on Reddit entitled: “I was 22 years old when I learned that not every family has a poop knife.”
LearnedButt ain’t pulling punches; he gets off to a quick start: “My family poops big.”
Um. Okay, weird icebreaker but let’s see where this goes…
“Our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out ‘Hey, can you get me the poop knife?'”
I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.”
Standard kit? Can I say “holy shit” or is that too on the nose?
In the post, LearnedButt details an embarrassing story in which he learns, at age 22, that his family’s bizarre artifact known as a “poop knife” is not something every brood utilizes. Because not every brood requires surgical instruments to facilitate the matriculation of their bowel expulsions into the septic system.
Needless to say, LearnedButt’s harrowing tale of embarrassment, mortification, and stool surgery has been quite the hit online, going viral on Reddit in less than a day.
If you’re anything like me, you’re curious to know if anyone in those comments uses a poop knife of their own. Let me warn you: don’t do it. DO NOT READ THE COMMENTS.
Trust me. I’ve curated some so you don’t have to take the chance.
It turns out LearnedButt is not alone.
Maybe that last guy he was joking. LET’S HOPE THAT LAST GUY WAS JOKING.
Some people don’t use poop knives (yes, the pluralized version of ‘poop knife,’ we’re through the looking glass here, people!) but showed their solidarity by sharing embarrassing family secrets of their own:
Yeah, maybe we’ll skip that barbecue, but thanks for the invite!
Another commenter plunges (sorry) right in and cuts (sorry) to the chase:
Come on, djamrod. Some details are best left unparsed!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go buy an entirely new cutlery set every single day for the rest of my life.