Things change when you become a mother. I don’t mean the unbelievable extent of sleep deprivation, or the fact that you pack a small arsenal of household items just to make a “quick” trip to the grocery store, or how your jeans don’t seem to fit the same. Things change that you had NO IDEA you were taking for granted…
Memory Pre-Motherhood: I could walk from one room to another and now exactly why I was there. I put things where they belonged and I made complete sentences. My brain cells worked as a team.
Memory Post-Motherhood: I walk into a room with a purpose and immediately forget what it is upon arrival. I put the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the refrigerator. I hang up my phone to look for…my phone. I say three words of a sentence and lose my train of thought. Did I also give birth to my brain cells?
Leaving the House Pre-Motherhood: I grabbed my purse and walked out the door.
Leaving the House Post-Motherhood: “Do you have your lunch box, backpack, show and tell, book report, math homework? Why are your shoes on the wrong feet? Did you brush your teeth? Your shirt is on backwards. We’ll try to remember to brush your hair tomorrow. I should probably clean the peanut butter off your forehead.”
Sleeping Pre-Motherhood: I decided when and where and for how long. Period.
Sleeping Post-Motherhood: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is on. If I sit upright on the couch, can I sneak a 15-minute nap? Is the latch on the cabinet with the cleaning products? Are the markers and crayons out of reach? Can kids really drown in the toilet? Oh, forget it.
Emotions Pre-Motherhood: Under control. Sometimes even stoic.
Emotions Post-Motherhood: Out of control. Unstable. I can go from laughing to crying in seconds for no obvious reason. And Lord help me if I can’t find the remote when that fucking SPCA commercial with Sarah McClachlan comes on.
Evenings Pre-Motherhood: Take-out it is! Fall asleep on the couch watching a movie.
Evenings Post-Motherhood: Are all the food groups represented? Time for baths! Just ONE bedtime story. Okay, two. Yes, I’ll tuck you in. Again. Of course you can have another goodnight kiss. Go. To. Sleep.
Body Fluids Pre-Motherhood: Ewwww.
Body Fluids Post-Motherhood: I’ve been peed on, pooped on, vomited on, and worn snot as an accessory. I’m also quite learned on how to get all of the above out of the living room rug.
Date Night Pre-Motherhood: Let’s go.
Date Night Post-Motherhood:
Ask sitter #1.
Ask sitter #2.
Beg sitter #3.
Leave list with 25 line items of instructions.
Call or text every 20 minutes to see if everyone is ok.
Return by 10 p.m. so sitter can make curfew.
Pay sitter twice what dinner cost.
Turn-ons Pre-Motherhood: Flowers, romantic cards, gifts for no reason.
Turn-ons Post-Motherhood: Husband: I’ll give the kids their baths tonight. Wife: You have never been sexier in your entire life.
Speaking of turn-ons…
Sex Pre-Motherhood: Wherever. Whenever.
Sex Post-Motherhood: Are the kids asleep? Is the door locked? Ssssshh! Is that crying? Oh, well. I’m exhausted anyway.
How I Viewed Motherhood Pre-Motherhood: I think I might like to do that someday.
How I View Motherhood Now: I had NO IDEA what I was missing.