I’ve been both drunk and pregnant, although never at the same time (so simmer down). There are a lot of similarities between these two states, however. Allow me to illustrate these.
1. You’re Emotional
Pregnant: You might not be an emotional wreck all the time, but at some point, you’ll be moved to tears because, seriously, your childhood cat was the best.
Drunk: You might not be an emotional wreck all the time, but at some point, you’ll be the “I love you man” drunk. Or you’ll be telling a truly great tale and be moved to tears because, seriously, your childhood cat was the best.
2. At Some Point, You Might Throw Up
Pregnant: Unless you’re one of those lucky bitches who doesn’t get morning sickness, you’ll kneel over the toilet and pray for sweet relief. Spoiler alert: Vomiting rarely offers relief, and in fact, you might puke more. Morning sickness is an uncaring wench.
Drunk: Unless you had the smarts to stop while you were ahead, you’ll probably find yourself kneeling over the toilet, praying for sweet relief. Spoiler alert: You might purge and rally, but there will be consequences. Alcohol is a heartless bastard.
3. At Some Point, It’s Unsafe to Drive
Pregnant: There’s no rule about not driving while extremely pregnant, but between the Charley horses, Earth-sized belly, unpredictable Braxton Hicks, and the fact that traffic might send you into pregnancy rage, just pass the keys to someone who isn’t growing a human.
Drunk: Don’t drive. Period.
4. You’re Prone to Passing Out
Pregnant: You sit on the couch and mumble something about lying down to rest your eyes for a blessed second and watch a little Food Network (or HGTV if Food Network will make you puke), and the next thing you know, you wake up hours later in a puddle of drool. You don’t know what happened while you were passed out, and frankly, you don’t give a shit because you just took the most amazing nap of your entire life.
Drunk: You and your significant other decide to live it up with cocktails and a Netflix binge. At some point, you mumble that this is going to hurt in the morning. The next thing you know, it is morning and you’re waking up in a puddle of drool on the couch. You’re not quite sure what happened, but you’re still dressed, so there’s little chance that you’ll be getting a surprise instead of your period this month.
5. You Have Memory Loss
Pregnant: Where did you put your sunglasses? No clue. Phone? Oh my God, where’s your phone!? Oh, there it is, in your hand. Did you put a load of clothes in the wash? Nah, that doesn’t sound like something you would do right now. What’s that weird smell coming from the washer? Better have a snack.
Drunk: Where did you put your sunglasses? No clue. Doesn’t matter—it’s nighttime now. Phone? Oh my God, where’s your phone?! Oh, there it is, in your shoe. Wait, why is it in your shoe? Doesn’t matter. Better have a snack.
6. You Eat Weird Things
Pregnant: From the limited number of acceptable food items during morning sickness, to the cravings that drive your appetite, you barely recognize your palate, but a girl’s gotta eat to grow a human, so dig in.
Drunk: From the limited food items that are easy to whip up in your inebriated state, to the cravings that drive your appetite when you’re shit-faced, you barely recognize your palate, but a girl’s gotta eat to soak up that alcohol, so dig in.
7. You Have to Pee A Lot
Pregnant: Congratulations! Your uterus has just rock-paper-scissored your bladder and won. You will now be peeing every 15 minutes for the remainder of your pregnancy.
Drunk: Congratulations! You broke the seal. You will now be peeing every 15 minutes for the remainder of the evening.
8. You Realize Too Late That You’ve Had a Wardrobe Malfunction, and You Will Not Care
Pregnant: You realize you’ve been walking around all day with the bottom of your belly exposed and all those cute maternity tops you bought the minute your baby bump appeared barely cover anything now. Look away, people, or stare, whatever.
Drunk: In the moment, you barely care that you might have flashed a few people because you forgot you were wearing a skirt. Later, you make a mental note to wear jeans next time. (You’ll probably flash some crack. You can’t win.)
9. You’ll Probably Think, ‘I’m Never Doing This Again!’ but Then You Do
Pregnancy: You probably won’t have this thought until you’re about to give birth, at which time you’ll start to think, “How do all those women do this over and over and over again? I’m sweaty. I can’t sleep. My esophagus is literally on fire. I can’t have wine or sushi. The effort it takes to move my body is akin to running a marathon every step I take. This is total bullshit! I’m never doing this again!” And then your baby is born, and they’re perfect and smell of all that’s right and good in the world, and the thought creeps in, maybe just one more time.
Drunk: You probably won’t have this thought when you’re drunk, but it’s coming in the morning. You’ll wake up to realize the sun is 5,000 percent brighter that day. You start praying that someone, anyone, will magically show up with an Egg McMuffin, greasy hash browns and a fountain coke because that’s the only thing that will start to right this wrong. You will make the vow: Never again! A few weeks or months later, you get together with friends, the booze is flowing, and you realize: You’re doing it again. What the hell is wrong with you?!
All these similarities are hardly coincidental since you might be among the millions (number not confirmed) who got knocked up because you had a few too many and got freaky sans contraception. Not that I have any firsthand knowledge with any of this at 36-weeks pregnant. I’ll spare you the burden of doing the math: It was Christmastime.