Ever wish someone would tell it like it is, no matter how bad it actually is? When I was pregnant, I read the books, because I wanted to know what I was getting myself into. Most of them told me what I should expect and when I should expect it — only it turns out they sugar-coated the hell out of the whole experience. You may experience morning sickness was apparently a gentle way to say, you will throw up so violently you may dislocate a rib.
Also, comparing my baby’s size to some obscure fruit is not helpful. Tell me he’s the size of an iPhone or a Pop-tart—something I recognize. I couldn’t pick a kumquat out of a fruit lineup to save my life.
I know I’m not alone on this, so I decided to share the truth. Here’s what you should really expect, when you’re expecting.
It all starts with a pregnancy test. Expect to pee on your hand. Sorry, it’s nearly impossible to take a pregnancy test without touching pee. But, don’t worry, you’re about to spend the next several years touching pee, so consider this a warm-up.
You may experience extreme exhaustion—so extreme that you’ll wonder if you are dying. You’re not, this is just the baby preparing you to never feel rested again. Ever.
You may experience morning sickness. Expect the term “morning sickness” to piss you off because what you are experiencing happens all hours of the day and night, in unrelenting waves that make a tequila hangover look Disneyland.
Expect your boobs to hurt like a mother. Expect your partner to try to touch them. Expect that you will want to break their arm when they do.
Expect to pee 1,000 times a day, and 2,000 times a night. When you are not vomiting, you will be peeing. Sometimes you will do both at the same time.
Expect to never poop again. I’m just kidding you probably will, but not for another 6 months. Instead you will throw pennies in fountains and wish on shooting stars that you could just take a shit like you used to.
Expect your emotions to change drastically from moment to moment. You may contemplate murder or adopt a puppy.
Expect some physical changes to your body. You may look like you just ate a large plate of nachos with extra guac, and then stopped by Dairy Queen for an Oreo Blizzard, because it was on your way home. People may comment on these changes to your body, and you may want to hit them in the face with a skillet.
Expect your emotions to change drastically from moment to moment, you may yell at your partner for breathing too loudly, or cry because Taco Bell forgot to put hot sauce in the bag.
Expect this period of pregnancy to suck less than the rest of it.
Expect some irritability. You may notice everyone breathing and/or chewing, and you may wish they would stop both.
Expect to only have three outfits that fit properly, and expect to hate all of them.
Expect to experience shortness of breath because your baby is literally crushing all your organs, including your lungs.
Expect to pee 2,000 times during the day and 3,000 times at night.
Expect your partner to sleep soundly while you are unable to get comfortable no matter what you do.
Expect your emotions to change drastically from moment to moment. You may cry during a dog food commercial or threaten your partner’s life for eating your left over Chinese food.
Expect to be done with your pregnancy 6 weeks before you are actually done with your pregnancy.
Expect to be fucking uncomfortable all the time.
Expect to cry because you can’t put on your own socks.
Expect your fingers and toes to look like Vienna sausages.
Expect to have cankles.
Expect to be happy, and sad, and angry, and confused, all at the same time.
Expect that ice cream and Mexican food will fix most problems.
Expect your mucus plug to be the most gag-worthy thing you have ever seen. Expect random women at the grocery store to ask questions about your mucus plug.
Expect people to text you every 37 seconds and ask if you’re having contractions, if you’re dilated, or if you are still pregnant.
Expect to go into labor, experience the worst pain you’ve ever felt, followed by the greatest love you could ever imagine.
That’s pregnancy in a nutshell.
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