I have never asked myself more questions than I have before becoming a mom. I question my discipline techniques, my belief systems, and whether or not syrup fits into some kind of food group. I also question my sanity and my hygiene practices and how I can make my children less annoying to the general public. This whole thing is just one big freaking question mark.
Here are 25 other questions I have recently asked myself:
1. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mommy?
2. How many times can an adult watch Mr. Noodle do the wrong thing before they want to harm him?
3. If I accidentally laugh right now after she threw down that F-bomb, will she say it 1000 more times?
4. Am I the only one who can hear the dog whining to go outside?
5. How many holes can I get in these pants until they cause me to get a misdemeanor?
6. How did I not realize how skinny I was at 22?
7. Will I ever remember that I need to make dinner every night?
8. Am I the only one who thinks that growing a human being INSIDE OF YOUR BODY is kind of like Alien?
9. If I carry kleenex and gum, does that make me a real mom?
10. My body parts will eventually start to migrate back to their appropriate places, right? Right?!
11. Did I seriously think my life was hard in college?
12. How many days without showering will it take to turn me into a hippie?
13. If I try to talk to them with my mouth closed, will they know I’m eating their Easter candy?
14. If I Google myself, will a picture of an old dishrag appear?
15. How can someone be that angry about the right shirt while they are wearing their underwear on backwards?
16. Does he actually think I’m going to believe him with his eye twitching like that?
17. Is being an adult just realizing that sleep is more important than, well, everything?
18. Will she ever learn how to talk in a voice that humans can hear?
19. How can I feel too old to shop in Target’s Juniors section and too young for the Women’s?
20. How long can you wipe down the same counter top before your head starts rotating around in a circle?
21. How long until My Fitness Pal realizes I’m lying to it?
22. Are all kids this weird?
23. Does my mom actually love me this much?
24. If there is a lone sock lying on the stairs and I’m not home, does it exist?
25. If no one is touching me, do I exist?