Remember when your fantasies involved anything about your man’s body? And not just his body moving to the fridge to get you out some ice cream before watching Mad Men together? Me either. Welcome, friends, to the new normal. Try to contain yourself, you little sexpot.
1. Your husband comes home driving a new minivan. “What happened to the Audi?” you ask breathily. Your husband gazes steadily into your eyes and your knees wobble. “I realized you were right and I was acting like a child. I’m ready to grow up now,” he declares, in a take-charge voice. You kiss for six seconds until your toddler defecates in his diaper. “I hope you put the carseats in right or the kids may die,” you cheekily remark.
2. Your husband’s cell phone rings during dinner. He glances at it and puts it back in his pocket. “Who was that?” you huskily inquire. “My boss,” states your husband casually. “He can wait, this is family time. Sometimes I think you’re right and he’s a textbook narcissist.” You feel desire surge through your body, then recede as you serve the broccoli.
3. Your mom calls the landline, which you only purchased because she kept bringing up scenarios involving power outages and your children in danger with no way to call for help. Your husband picks up. His face bursts into a radiant smile. “Maureen!” he delightedly greets her. “Why haven’t you called more lately? I had it on my calendar to check in with you this week if we didn’t hear from you. How’s your landlord treating you, that bastard?” You swoon on your way upstairs so you don’t have to get on the phone.
4. ”Why don’t we spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with your family?” your husband asks with a sensual smile. “I’ve realized that my mom undermines you at every turn, and it makes the holidays so stressful.” You reach for each other, forgetting that you’re currently nursing your 1 year old, who swats at Daddy’s face distractedly without unlatching.
5. “Damn, woman!” your husband growls in a gravelly baritone. “How did I get lucky enough to get a woman who’s within 50 pounds of her target BMI after raising two kids? And you also like having sex 3-4 times a month. You’re my fantasy woman.” You bat your eyes and whisper, “Don’t forget I wore lingerie to conceive our third grader.” He reaches for you, but your Crest White Strips are in.
6. “I can’t wait till the Real Housewives premiere tonight!” your husband says, with a twinkle in his eye. “I’ll do bedtime so you can watch in real time and tweet about it. Here, let me pour you a glass of rose without mocking your choice of beverage.” You feel your nipples hardening. Oh, must be time to nurse again.
7. “God, I love reheated leftover casseroles,” your husband exclaims with a boyish grin. “It adds a frisson of excitement to never know if the inside will be ice cold or luke warm.” You shake your finger at him playfully. “Not tonight, stud. The kids actually finished it before you got home. Would you like me to pour you some Chex?” He butterfly kisses the nape of your neck while you realizes there’s actually only Fiber One left. His smoldering gaze thanks you for caring how much roughage he ingests.
8. “Are those new underwear?” your husband inquires with barely restrained passion. “Why no,” you giggle flirtatiously. “Don’t you remember? They are maternity underwear and they fit again since I gained a couple of pounds.” “You’re driving me crazy,” your husband explodes, grabbing your ass, and then re-grabbing it to accommodate the rest of it.
9. “What do you want to do for a second career?” asks your husband inquisitively. “You’re too intellectually gifted to go back to your old job. If I got a second job I am sure I could subsidize you going back for your MFA.” You stroke his face and say, “That’s so thoughtful. We have no time to kiss because Madison is on the potty doing number two.”
10. “What’s this?” you exclaim, upon seeing your husband stride into the house purposefully, holding a bag from Rite Aid. “This is the wall calendar that you’re always talking about,” your husband responds with a resolute set of his jaw. “I also purchased markers so we can color code our activities and be sure that we’re always on the same page. When we forgot about Holden’s birthday party last weekend, it made me realize that we need to be more organized if we want to raise secure and happy children.” You catch your breath and bite your lip. Later that evening, you have missionary style intercourse upstairs in bed with the lights out. Maybe not that evening, actually, but by the end of the week. Definitely before the month is out.