I never used to be late to anything. I was always at least 10 minutes early everywhere. I also didn’t have kids — which means I had a clean house and pillows that never wandered away from the bed or couch. I used to think pillows were kind of like kids, right?
These days, I have to start getting everyone ready at least an hour ahead of time. Even then, we’re still late, and it’s usually because:
1. I have to wait for my 2-year-old to put on her pants.
“Mommy, I do it!” First, both legs in one leg hole. Then, one leg in one leg hole and the other leg in a leg hole that was inside out. Then, both legs in the opposite leg hole. One leg in a leg hole and one leg in a shirt hole. Sometimes she’ll wave a leg hole, indicating surrender, and let me help. Other times we leave with her wearing her pants in a way only Lady Gaga can appreciate.
2. Everyone in my house moves at 0 miles per hour.
– The child who doesn’t have their jacket on decided this is the moment to put their train set together.
– The child who doesn’t have a shirt on decided this is the moment to look for a toy we don’t own.
– The child without their shoes on is sitting on the kitchen stairs with their shoe in their mouth.
– No one is near the car.
3. I can never find my car keys.
Let’s face it, I haven’t been able to find my brain since the birth of my first child. If my keys are not in the ignition, on the key hook, or taped to my forehead, I’m not going to find them.
4. I have to go back home for a “second.”
On the way, someone realized they forgot their favorite bear and the fabric of the universe was going to tear if we didn’t turn around right now. Of course, once we got home, no one remembered where it was. Six hours later, here we are — minus the bear, which somehow got lost in the car on the way. This means we might be here for another five and a half hours, just so you know.
5. My kids forget where the garage is.
Except when we don’t have to go anywhere. Then it becomes a magical room full of things that don’t belong to them.
6. Everyone has to go potty.
– The first one said they didn’t have to go.
– The second one did have to go, but they needed privacy. Then, they needed the step stool. Finally, they needed more toilet paper because whatever was left on the roll was now on the floor, in the toilet, and wrapped around them.
– On the way back to the car, the first one decided they actually do have to go potty.
– Once I got everyone in the car, the baby had a blowout.
7. I have spit-up in my hair.
I didn’t notice right away, but I found it when I had to clean out the syrup. You can’t just wipe the smell of sour milk out of anything with a wet wipe, so it took a careful and creative way of using the right amount of shampoo and water to spot clean.
8. I had to change because I had poop on my shirt.
9. Someone is hungry.
Because no one ate breakfast. They were too busy playing in the garage and trying to creatively put their legs through the correct pant leg holes.
10. I forgot you were having a thing.
I never remember what day it is anymore. Most days I don’t even remember to brush my teeth until 9:30 p.m. You’re lucky I can remember who you are because on a good day I can’t even keep my kids’ names straight.
So, now that I’m here, and your thing is over, we can call it coffee or a playdate? I know you don’t have kids, but you have a few pillows. Those are kind of like kids, right?