When my husband and I were dating, we were that cute couple in the grocery store who argued over who got to pick out the breakfast cereal and took an obnoxious amount of time deciding on the exact right coffee beans. We’d meander the aisles, price comparing and lovingly gazing into each other’s eyes as we ignored the harried moms trying to get around our cart and our embrace.
God, we were the cutest. Even I hated us.
Flash-forward to two kids, a mortgage, and a dog that has very discerning tastes in kibble, and grocery shopping has become my least favorite activity in the history of ever. No, scratch that. I’d rather have a Pap smear by a blindfolded Edward Scissorhands than navigate the aisles of my grocery store with two kids in tow.
I don’t have time for price comparison. I can’t be bothered with reading labels, and I sure as hell have no patience for the cute hipsters who are buying their organic, hormone-devoid produce while gazing lovingly at each other.
I loathe grocery shopping with every fiber of my being.
Every time I’m in the grocery store, I feel like I open up my wallet and yell, “Just take it all and give me the grapes that will go bad in two days.” Often, I’m cramming my trip to the grocery store in between 36 other errands, and I look like I’m a tribute in the Mom Hunger Games as I race to complete my order before preschool ends. And the odds are always in my favor that lugging the groceries to the car is a chore, unloading the bags is a hassle, and I’ll need to go back three days later because teens eat you out of house and goddamned home.
Last January, my husband announced he was going to take over the grocery shopping, and after I stopped laughing for infinity, I got suspicious. He hates the grocery store more than I do and doesn’t have the first clue as to what goes in the kids’ lunch boxes every day, so upon further investigation, I realized he’d discovered the greatest invention since nursing bras and Bumbo chairs: grocery delivery. And he was about to change our lives because online grocery shopping means I never have to set foot in a grocery store again.
It also meant he got lucky that night. Ahem.
Since we’ve started having our groceries delivered, my love for the delivery service has grown deep, and my deep abiding love for not having to wait in line is worth every penny of the delivery fee. And I have other reasons for wanting to kiss the inventor of this life-changing service.
1. I don’t have to wear pants, and someone will still sell me bananas.
Obviously, I don’t mean that I am in the regular habit of going pantsless, but on the days that I am working from home in my pajamas, the thought of putting presentable clothes on so that I can go ram other shoppers with my cart gives me a headache in my eye. Grocery delivery allows me to order everything I need and no one has to see my ratty, much-loved sweatpants.
2. I don’t have to talk to a single person.
Don’t get me wrong: I love my friends, really, I do. But, when I’m in the grocery store, I am laser-focused on my mission: Get in, grab all the groceries, and get out. I don’t want to have a lengthy conversation in the cheese aisle. I don’t want to pretend to care about a PTA acquaintance’s list of volunteer achievements. I just want to get my Wonder Bread and get the fuck out of dodge. Grocery delivery lets me buy my moisturizer and avocados in peace and quiet.
3. Parking is never a problem.
One look at a grocery store parking lot during the holiday season is enough to induce day drinking and cause all-over body hives. People are crabby, and no one wants to walk a long distance with their cart, so the lots are filled with slow-moving, lazy drivers circling like buzzards for the closest possible space. It’s a veritable demolition derby in most lots, with rogue carts banging into cars and rolling slowly across the lot, presumably to chip paint off of my SUV. Grocery delivery keeps my car safely in the driveway, and I don’t have to flip the bird to the guy who just stole my prime spot.
4. I actually save money. Seriously.
When I shop with my kids, everyone has an opinion on what needs to be in our pantry, and in an effort to get the hell out of the store as fast as humanly possible, I cave to their demands. And let’s face it: Wandering through the cheese aisle on an empty stomach means adding $20 worth of artisan Gruyère. Because cheese. Impulse purchases are a thing of the past, which means I have more money to spend on Amazon Prime. It’s a win-win.
5. Someone else does the heavy lifting, and it fills me with gratitude.
Being a mom is hard. Juggling work, kids, and school activities on top of cooking, laundry, and carpool means that moms are in perpetual motion all day long. Grocery delivery is my gift to myself, the one thing that I splurge on weekly, so that I can preserve what’s left of my sanity. And when the nice delivery guy delivers the bags to my counter, I want to do a happy dance because I’ve gotten out of the chore I despise the most.
If you are lucky enough to have a grocery delivery service in your area, run — don’t walk — to your computer and sign up right now. Your sanity is worth every penny of the delivery fee, and frankly, it allows you to deal with your toddler’s meltdown in the privacy of your home rather than in the frozen food aisle. And when you pour a giant glass of wine and hit “Submit” on your grocery order, you’ll thank me. The adorable hipster couple will too.