A (mostly true) account of the last night of the Republican National Convention
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG it’s Trump night!! Yes, we’ve finally gotten to the last night of the convention, and it’s time for Donald Trump to accept the nomination and make what everyone is calling the most important speech of his life. They’re saying it’s only going to last about 45 minutes, which isn’t so bad, right? I’ve said it before and been wrong every time, but I have a really good feeling about tonight.
Tonight’s theme is: Make America One Again, because Donald Trump seeks to bring people together. This is a man who doesn’t focus on our differences, but on the positive things that unite us, like whiteness, christianity, able-bodiedness, and maleness. What a united, mostly empty country we have to look forward to. And the food is going to be super shitty.
Because there’s so much to cover, we’re going to go quickly through some of the speakers.
Sheriff Joe Arpaio
I’m here to sew up the Hispanic vote and arrest Mexicans, and I’m all out of Mexicans.
[Paul Ryan is sitting in a room somewhere with a rosary in one hand and a bottle of hard liquor in the other.]
Reince Priebus, Chair, Republican National Committee
Thank you. Tonight, I spit out my gum so that I can address you like a big boy. To some presidents, America is just another country. But Republicans know that America is special and deserves to be treated that way, MOM.
Democrats think they are sooooooo great. But WE are the party of open doors. [Crowd: BUILD THAT WALL!] Not now, dammit! We are the party that wants our kids to get a good education. we are the party of individual liberty. We are the party of the American dream. We are the party that sat in the middle seat last time, MOM.
[Paul Ryan start chain-smoking.]
Peter Thiel, Co-founder of Paypal
I’m Peter Thiel, and I am oddly excited to be here. Before I make history and announce on the convention stage that I am a gay man, I’d like to talk a little about my background. My parents got their start right here in Cleveland.
[Ohio delegate: “Does that mean we’re gay?” Other Ohio delegate: “Shut up, Jerry.”]
And FYI, I am proud to be gay, I am proud to be a Republican, and I am proud to be an American.
[The crowd gives him a standing ovation. Jerry from Ohio: “Do you think he knows that we don’t want gay people to adopt kids anymore?” Other delegate: “Shut UP, Jerry!]
Tom Barrack, CEO, Colony Capital
Here are five reasons to elect Donald Trump:
- He’s punctual.
- He befriends the bewildered.
- He pushes people through barriers.
- He has the discipline of an animal in the jungle. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds cool as hell.
- He once flew my son and me by helicopter to a prize fight and remembered the name of a guy who worked for him.
What a man.
[Paul Ryan: “Get me some pills.” Aide: “What kind of–” Ryan: “ANY KIND.”]
I’m going to talk to you about my father, but without any personal stories or specific examples because, well, you heard Barrack’s story about his kid so we’ll just use that one.
When the primaries got tough, Donald Trump did what any great leader would do — he made up nicknames for his opponents and accused their family members of assassinating JFK.
My dad will be great for women. He’ll make quality childcare affordable and accessible for all and he will fight for equal pay for equal work. And I will be there fighting right alongside him because otherwise, he will sign his “Fines for Fatties” bill into law before any of this stuff gets a second look. Speaking of women, I have this saying that I think you’re all going to think is a real hoot: gender isn’t causing the wage gap, motherhood is.
Get it? I know, right?
When my dad says he’ll build a tower, he does it. So when he says he’ll make America great again he will do that, too. Easy peasy.
[Paul Ryan begins fashioning a noose out of his necktie.]
Here’s my dad.
Donald J. Trump
Friends, delegates, and fellow Americans, I humbly and gratefully accept your nomination for President of the United States.
[Outside, thunder and lightning hit the Quicken Loan Arena. The smell of sulfur wafts through the air and deep down below the core of the earth, the devil grins.]
Who would have thought when we started this that we would receive as many votes as we have? (Inner Trump: Me. I knew. I always knew.)
We will lead our country back to safety, prosperity, and peace. (IT: Well, peace-ish.) A country of generosity and warmth. (IT: I need to find a thesaurus and find another word for “warmth” that doesn’t mean that.) But also of law and order (DUN DUN). The crime and violence that afflicts our nation will soon, and I mean very soon, come to an end. We cannot afford to be so politically correct anymore.
Everyone, and I mean everyone, is getting murdered. The homicide rate has gone up since Obama was elected. And why is that? Because illegal immigrants are being released into our communities with no thought for public safety.
[BUILD THAT WALL! BUILD THAT WALL!]
We keep getting humiliated in front of the world — remember the sight of our sailors being forced to their knees at gunpoint by their Iranian captors? Let me, Donald Trump, be your final international humiliation.
Hillary Clinton’s decisions as Secretary of State lead to death, destruction, and terrorism. She is weak. (IT: Cuz she’s a chick.) My plan begins with safety at home. We need law and order (DUN DUN).
Every day, I wake up determined to help the people across this country who have been neglected and forgotten (IT: not you, or you, not you either, and you just sit down. Please.) In this cause, I am proud to have at my side the next Vice President, Mike Pence. (IT: Pence? Pince? Did I say that right?)
America has been shocked by the recent executions of police officers. (IT: Should I mention The Blacks that were killed by cops? No, I don’t think I should.) An attack on law enforcement is an attack on all Americans. I have a message to everyone threatening peace on the streets: when I take office I will restore law and order. (DUN DUN) Believe me. Believe me. I am the law and order candidate! (DUN DUN!)
We are going to defeat the barbarians of ISIS and we are going to defeat them fast. Weeks ago, in Orlando, a terrorist savagely murdered forty-nine wonderful Americans. This time, they targeted the L…G…B…T…Q community. No good. As president, I will do everything I can to protect our L…G…B…T…Q citizens from hateful foreign ideologies. When it comes to hateful American ideologies, however…meh. Let’s just not let foreigners kill them. That’s good, right?
Illegal immigrants are killing our children, and we’re going to build a wall to stop them. Hillary wants to let everybody in all willy-nilly and higgeldy piggeldy. They will take over your schools, your homes, and your jobs. (IT: And they’ll murder you.)
Here are a few other things I’m going to do: I’m going to renegotiate all our trade deals because fuck those guys, I’m going to lower taxes (IT: I pay nothing and it’s beautiful), I’ll let you choose your doctor and your kid’s school, and how about those TSA lines, am I right? I’ll fix those too!
[Oh God, someone please put eyes on Paul Ryan.]
Now I want to thank my family, my staff, and my supporters. I also want to thank the evangelicals for their support, though I’m not sure I totally deserve it. (IT: Shit. Keep it together, Inner Trump!)
We are going to start wi…
[Oh shit, did I miss anything?]
Let me tell you a story about my mother…
God bless you and good night!
[We did it! We made it through all four nights! Next, the Democratic National Convention. Hang on to your “I’m With Her” tote bags, people. It’s gonna be good.]