The details shared by Ansari’s alleged victim are disturbing
Actor and comedian Aziz Ansari is now the latest member of Hollywood to face sexual assault allegations, brought forth by an anonymous woman who went on a date with him last fall. The detailed story she relayed to Babe under the condition of anonymity is a disturbing recount of the night.
The 23-year-old photographer claims Ansari took advantage of her during a date in September 2017. The woman — only referred to as “Grace” in the piece — labelled the interaction as “by the far the worst experience with a man I’ve ever had.”
[Trigger warning: details of sexual coercion below.]
I talked to a girl who says she went on a date with @azizansari in an exclusive for @babedotnet. She told me, "It was by far the worst experience with a man I’ve ever had." I believe her. #TimesUp #MeToo #AzizAnsari https://t.co/p7q0fjSsh0
— Katie Way (@k80way) January 13, 2018
Initially meeting at an after-party for the Emmys last year, “Grace” says she and Ansari met up again when they both arrived back in New York. She says they met at his apartment, had a drink, then went out to dinner. As soon as the check was delivered, she says Ansari seemed to be in a rush to get back to his apartment.
When they got there, Grace says she recalls complimenting his marble countertops, which is where the story starts to take a serious turn.
“He said something along the lines of, ‘How about you hop up and take a seat?’’ Ansari allegedly started kissing and groping her within seconds, and began undressing himself while undressing her. She recalls Ansari saying he was going to grab a condom — within minutes of their first kiss.
After trying to get him to “slow down and relax,” Grace says he kept kissing her, groping her, and even performed oral sex on her while insisting she do the same to him.
“The move he kept doing was taking his two fingers in a V-shape and putting them in my mouth, in my throat to wet his fingers, because the moment he’d stick his fingers in my throat he’d go straight for my vagina and try to finger me,” she says.
Disturbing as that is, Grace says it didn’t end there. He allegedly kept pushing himself on her, saying he wanted to “fuck” her, despite the fact that she wasn’t offering her consent.
“I know I was physically giving off cues that I wasn’t interested. I don’t think that was noticed at all, or if it was, it was ignored.” She says she tried to stall, and to get him to slow down by saying they could get physical after they got to know each other. “And he goes, ‘Oh, you mean second date?’ and I go, ‘Oh, yeah, sure,’ and he goes, ‘Well, if I poured you another glass of wine now, would it count as our second date?’”
Ansari allegedly continued to force himself on her — both physically and through another tactic: coercion. After taking time to collect herself in the bathroom, she decided to attempt to end the “date” once and for all, even telling him she was leaving because she didn’t want to feel “forced.”
She says she called him out about his behavior via text the following day, to which Asari responded “I’m so sad to hear this. Clearly, I misread things in the moment and I’m truly sorry.”
This is the text Grace* sent Aziz Ansari after their date which left her feeling “violated”. She tells Ansari how uncomfortable he made her feel, saying “you ignored clear non-verbal cues” and “kept going with advances.”
— babe (@babedotnet) January 14, 2018
Grace called it “by far the worst experience with a man I’ve ever had.”
Women on Twitter were quick to share their support of Grace’s story, because many of us have had similar disturbing experiences with shitty men.
WE ARE ALLOWED TO SAY NO, TO BE CONFUSED AND TO ASK OUR DATES TO TAKE IT SLOW.— Carly (@besoft_carly) January 14, 2018
"How about we just chill on the couch?"— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
This... hits home with a certain experience of mine. If you're sensitive to this stuff, you should be aware that it's REALLY detailed.
Given the nature of the detail, I find it pretty impossible not to believe. https://t.co/xnUhslfthY
Writer Sady Doyle further expanded her thoughts on Ansari and why victim-blaming is absolutely not the way to go here.
So, people are being garbage bags in my mentions about the Aziz Ansari thing. Though they’re acting like it’s new garbage about “ambiguous consent” or whatever, it is in fact the same garbage we’ve always spilled around rape. To sum up:— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
1) “He didn’t attack her.” The story outlines clear physical coercion; repeatedly putting her hand on his crotch after she pulled away, keeping on with kissing and grabbing her after she stopped moving, grinding his dick on her after she said no to sex.— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
2) “She could have said no.” She said “not tonight” and “I don’t want to feel forced” and many other synonyms for “no.” Most of us understand, by age 5, that if your mom says “maybe later” you won’t get what you’re asking for. Any socially competent adult understands those cues.— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
3) “But why didn’t she leave?!” Because - and this is crucial - he kept telling her he was going to stop. He systematically paused right before she fully freaked out, made her feel safe again, then resumed assaulting her, at a greater level of assault each time.— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
5) “But she could have hit him/screamed at him/run away.” Sure. To a beloved celebrity, of whose work she is a big fan, who’s made a name off being a safe, supportive ally for women. Let’s get YOU in a room with your favorite comedian and see if you can punch them in the face.— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
Yes, boundaries can be hard to suss out, but that’s why feminists stress affirmative, vocal consent. If you’re not sure whether someone is into it, YOU CAN ASK THEM. You just have to believe what they say. That’s not what happened here.— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) January 14, 2018
If you’ve never found yourself as an unwilling participant in a situation like this, you don’t get to victim-blame and proclaim you’d have handled it better.
The bottom line here amid these allegations — and all manners of sexual misconduct — is that if you’re not getting a perfectly clear, consensual response during a sexual encounter, THEN IT IS NOT CONSENSUAL. If you’re unsure about your partner’s willingness to proceed, just ask them about it.