Toddlers are great. They are super cute, learn new things everyday and keep you active. That said, there are a few (probably millions, but I don’t have the time or brain capacity to write them all down) things that totally blow ass about having a toddler.
It’s all fun and games until a tsunami hits and you just happen to have to load your toddler into a car seat. Get ready to be saturated by rain whilst your sweet baby looks at you, dry as can be, with a face that says, What the fuck, Mom? Can’t you buckle me in faster? No, I can’t, because I am in sheer panic mode right now, my hair is stuck to my face, and I can’t stop screaming. Rain, rain, go away, and if you come back, I will murder everything you hold dear.
Here’s how this is likely going to go: You’re going to order the food, then spend the intermittent time that it takes the food to get to you trying to keep your toddler entertained. This may include a number of things, such as letting your child eat whatever condiment is on the table, or playing Sesame Street on your phone at an obnoxious volume that is sure to piss off every other patron. Once the food gets to you, save yourself time and just throw it on the floor. That’s where it will end up anyway. When you leave, be sure to tip your waitress at least 50 percent of the bill, because surely your table, and what dwells underneath it, will look like something out of horror movie. How did the ketchup manage to get there?! My fucking toddler, that’s how.
3. Grocery Stores
Nothing is as thrilling as going to the grocery store alone. If you are without a toddler in your life, consider every trip to the grocery store like a trip to Disney World, or the bar, whatever your preference. I don’t judge. Going to the store with a toddler is similar to what I believe being chased by zombies would be like. I end up sweaty, out of breath, cursing like a motherfucker and bargaining with any God I can think of that I will make it out alive, and preferably with all my limbs. I also spend countless dollars on shit we don’t need just to keep my toddler from screaming like a banshee every few seconds. And don’t even get me started on the bastard who decided to put all the candy within arm’s reach of crazy children at the checkout line. No parent in their right mind thought up that idea. My advice? Pop a Xanax and try like hell to go with the flow.
4. Car Rides
Isn’t it soothing to drive down the road blasting your favorite tunes and singing your face off? Well, when you have a toddler as a passenger, you can kiss that shit goodbye. Instead, you will undoubtably find yourself reaching behind you, desperately trying to get some sort of snack or drink into your toddler’s hands so they will finally shut up already so you can actually concentrate on, oh, I don’t know, driving a huge piece of steel 75 miles per hour down the highway. And your music? Forget it. You will listen to “Let It Go,” and you will listen to it on repeat until you wish those sisters had perished with their parents on that boat.
5. Airplane Rides
It’s so much better than car rides! Not! Where are you headed anyway? If it’s really far, let me give you a hug right now, because honey, it’s going to suck all the balls in the world. Did you happen to pack 700 things for your toddler to play with? Oh, you didn’t? Well, shit, you are screwed. Your child is going to yell, kick, scream and probably shit their diaper. Ever change a shitty diaper in an airplane bathroom? You haven’t lived until you do. I liken it to Tom Cruise careening down that rope in Mission: Impossible. It takes stealth, sweet maneuvers and the low blood pressure of a sleeping cat. And when your toddler screams and cries, you will be judged by the other passengers. Oh yes, there will be stink eyes galore. But screw ’em, because there isn’t shit you can do until that plane lands, and your child is running like a little track star through the airport.
6. Sick Days
As a parent of any child, you don’t get sick days, but this especially applies when you have a toddler. The chances of you and your sweet baby being sick at the same time are pretty great. Why? Because that little shit is probably the one who got your sick in the first place. So while most sick toddlers still have the energy of a maniac on bath salts, you will be forced to carry on with your regular duties as if the plague wasn’t infesting your very soul. That’s right, you will still have to cook dinner, bathe the child, dress the child and just all around keep the child alive. This may sound easy. It’s not. It’s fucking horrible. But it’s what you have to do. Load up on cold meds, tissues, and have some hard liquor nearby. When all else fails, liquor will totally make the aches (and your complete disdain for your beautiful toddler) go away. If only for a little while.
Alright my lovelies, I could go on. But as I type this, my toddler is next to me in bed sneezing all over the place and snotting up the joint. I will probably be a zombie on cold meds in a few days. I guess I’ll pick up some vodka while I’m out today. Pray for me.