Do you remember back when we were young, well-rested, and crazy in love? Back then, we thought marriage looked like something out of a rom-com. Marriage was boomboxes held high overhead, a la Say Anything. We were sure our marriage would be fun and cute and hot AF. We would be Jim and Pam, goddamit.
Then we actually got married. Maybe added a couple kids. And realized we were total idiots. We had no freaking idea.
Because no one does.
Well, except the good folks of Twitter. Because they understand the beauty and mess that is marriage with kids — or any long-term relationship.
It is falling asleep on the couch together.
The boys are spending the night away, so my wife and I are planning on spending our evening shooting down each other’s suggestions on what to do until we fall asleep watching “Chopped” reruns.
— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) March 9, 2018
And fighting over the comforter.
The best thing you can do for your marriage is sleep with separate comforters.
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) March 9, 2018
Marriage means writing sappy Facebook posts to celebrate each other’s birthdays (and your anniversary too).
In my town husbands are legally required on Facebook to write a long mushy declaration of love to their wife on her birthday.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 24, 2018
Marriage means listening to each other slurp a bowl of cereal (without wanting to kill them).
Before you marry someone, sit next to them on the couch and try to watch your favorite show while they eat a bowl of cereal.
If you still want to marry that slurping animal, congratulations- you have found your person.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 26, 2018
But there is a lot of shushing each other while watching re-runs of tv shows.
My wife just shushed me while watching "Diners, Drive-ins & Dives."
— rhea butcher (@RheaButcher) April 1, 2017
Marriage is being vague about money.
“How much did that cost?”
“I got a good deal on it.”
– married couples
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 24, 2018
Husband: I need your credit card to buy something off Amazon.
Me: I have it memorized, ready?
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) June 30, 2015
And then arguing about how you spend your money.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 8, 2018
And once you have kids, marriage is playing the “who’s more tired” game until you die.
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 2, 2017
It is learning and growing…
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.
— (Fast & Furious Presents) Pete Lynch ⚪️ (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013
While being mildly irritated with each other.
Most of marriage is wondering how you can love someone so fiercely who chews so loudly.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) May 19, 2017
And having completely different conversations.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you're having and the one your husband hears.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) July 15, 2017
Marriage is hella romantic.
Newlyweds: “I love resting my head on your chest and hearing your heart beat as I drift off to sleep.”
Married 15 years: “I recorded you snoring so you can hear how fucking loud it is.”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 17, 2018
And getting mad about a lot of stupid shit.
Get ready for marriage by asking your girlfriend/boyfriend to make you a fruit smoothie, then get mad that you can’t hear the TV while they’re making you a fruit smoothie.
— eric (@ericsshadow) February 25, 2018
Marriage is a great way to be angrily reminded where things actually go.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 3, 2017
And then doing sweet things for each other to make up for all the stupid fights.
[Texts husband from bed]
Could you bring me some coffee?
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 11, 2016
My husband just cancelled the plans we’d made for tonight without talking to me first and I’ve honestly never been more turned on in my life.
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) March 3, 2018
Isn’t marriage great?
Actually, it really is.