Three Year Olds Are The Same as Asshole Bosses

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For the purposes of this post, I am a scientist. I am currently bordering on having my third child turn three. Scientists use data and rigorous testing to develop a hypothesis. Considering I am knee deep in a shit sea of test tubes containing three year old children as specimens, you can call me doctor.

Every person has had the distinct pleasure of working for a boss who had no business managing human beings, primates or any classification of mammal. Someone who, you imagined through angry eyes and gritted teeth, struggled to put on pants in the morning. Yet, miraculously, this person made it into the upper echelons of “The Man(agement)”. For the purposes of this study, we will refer to these test subjects as: Asshole Bosses or simply Asshole, for short.

Your Asshole Boss and The Three Year Old Child. Hypothesis – They are exactly the same.

A bold statement to be sure, but, rest assured that I have examples, facts and data to back up my claims. I am, after all, a scientist.

FACT 1: Vacation? Restroom break? Lunch?
Asshole Boss: FUCK YOU. You are on their timeline. You can leave your desk when they are done with their morning marathon of high-fiving and solitaire playing with Hank, V.P. of Accounts. You don’t leave your desk until they leave their desk for their mid-morning, early afternoon, after lunch or pre-evening cappuccinos.
Three year old: FUCK YOU. You are on their timeline. You don’t leave your station next to them until they are done with their morning marathon of sitting on top of the cat and hiding the remotes. Don’t even think of going to put on real pants until they’ve had breakfast, breakfast snack, post-breakfast snack snack and pre-lunch snack.

FACT 2: Embarrassing you in public.
Asshole Boss: Doesn’t know what the FUCK they are talking about. It’s a good thing you are there to correct their incoherent jibber-jabber in meetings, conference calls and lunches with clients.
Three year old: Doesn’t know what the FUCK they are talking about. It’s a good thing you are there to explain their incoherent jibber-jabber in play groups, during doctor visits and lunches with friends you’ll never see again when you explain that HOO-HAW means donkey and DamnItPenis is just how they say Uncle Dennis.

FACT 3:  You have plans?
Asshole Boss: You have a date night scheduled with the lover? You’ve been planning it for months? You bought a new dress? FUCK YOU! A last minute deadline just came in. Asshole Boss would complete it, but, see Fact 2. They don’t know what the FUCK they’re talking about. You’re going to have to pull an all-nighter so douchetastic fantastic can look good at tomorrow’s board meeting. You’re not going anywhere.
Three year old: FUCK YOU! I rubbed my face against the kid with pink eye four days ago because I saw you online buying a dress. You’re not going anywhere.

FACT 4:  All of the work. None of the credit.
Asshole Boss: You do everything for them. You hold their hand through board meetings. You compile the reports. You write their e-mails and sweep up the pieces of disaster when they branch out to send correspondence without checking in to ask if any of the data they spewed was accurate. You make the calls and put in the time. You get a $5 Olive Garden gift certificate at the end of the year. You trade it in for a bottle of Boon’s Farm and call it a day.
Three year old: You do everything for them. You get a swift kick in the vagina as you carry their screaming, stiff body to bed. You call it a day with the 1/4 bottle of flat champagne you found in the refrigerator behind the leftover ravioli they threw at you earlier during dinner at The Olive Garden.

FACT 5: You need the job.
Asshole Boss: They have you where they want you. Sure, the pay is shit, you don’t have dental and they just took away your parking space to give it to Asshole Boss’s 16 year old, but, hey, a job is better than no job. You stick it out while sticking pins into that cool voodoo doll you got in the French Quarter from that nice lady with the two dozen chicken heads hanging from her ceiling. Good times.
Three year old: They have you where they want you. Sure, the pay is shit, you don’t have dental and you didn’t have a parking space to begin with, but, you can’t even imagine not having the 3 year old. Besides, you love that little asshole. Good times.

As you can see, scientific data doesn’t lie. The constant is the behavior. The only variable in this highly respectable study is love. When it comes to that, 3 year old has Asshole Boss beat by a landslide. Still, even given the variable, I think you’ll agree these findings are not without scientific merit. All experiments were done in a controlled setting, excluding the key love element which would explain why you keyed Asshole Boss’s car yet gave your 3 year old 100 hundred kisses, 15 readings of Goodnight Moon and 4 glasses of water tonight before bed.

About the writer

Bethany is a mother of four, writer and rehabilitated gypsy. She can change a diaper in 22 seconds and is the proud author of the chronic sarcasm and tom-foolery blog, Bad Parenting Moments, and throw tomatoes at her on her Facebook stage.

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Melissa 5 months ago

No longer have a three year old. But I live with ten year old twins who act like dictators. I also have a 12 year old who has developmental delays and frequently checks in to whatever behavior pattern he feels like demonstrating that day. I could only wish for three year olds again. At least when a three year old decides to let the shit hit the fan you can remove them, it’s a lot harder when a 12 year old is on the floor losing their shit.

Melissa 5 months ago

Yeah but getting their own snacks leads to the age where they devour everything, then tell you there is not h in the house to eat.

Shannan 6 months ago

Absolutely amazing and true. I am a mother of 3 two girls and 1 boy and our boy is the baby. Up until last year I was a career Mom and had that “asshole” boss but due to severe health issues I am now at home with my kiddos. And even though they can all be jerks and sometimes I want to lock myself in a closet with a 6 pack of Miller long neck bottles…I still love them with every ounce of my soul. You are completely correct, the difference is love.

Lacey 10 months ago

This article make it sound like you despise kids! Maybe if you raised them right; they wouldn’t act that way. There is also no reason to use the F word flippantly like that. I also do not find this article funny in any way, shape, or form! I am very ashamed at you! I totally get it; bosses can be jerks; a 3-yearold can be 2! But you all are comparing them to your bosses all the time; making it sound like everything they do; they do it to annoy you all the stinking time! Maybe you are not spending enough time with them; so they feel the need to try to get your attention and you are all totally ignoring that fact and treating them like crap (just like your bosses do to you; why would you want to treat others like that?!?!?!?!?!?)! I will never read another article on this site ever again in my life! I can find more interesting (sounds like you were just totally ranting about how horrible your kids are to everyone!), reliable, and clean information elsewhere! You have just lost a subscriber for life! And I am not sorry for what I said! You are not treating people with any honesty or respect and that greatly irks and disturbs me! Sorry if I am sounding like %#^!@|¥#=£&$!

Katie 11 months ago

My nephew (he’s 15 now) said” hanny nanny fofuck!” Quite proudly when meaning handy dandy notebook! Seeing as I was 18 when he was three, I thought this was an absolute riot. My mother on the other hand who was and is his guardian nearly died of embarrassment.

Katie 11 months ago

As I hide on the toilet to read this, my two year old asshole boss is yelling because she can’t have all the water bottles and can’t open them herself. Good thing we find our asshole bosses cute and love them and shit. The screaming around here (hers) is getting to be a little much.

Micka 1 year ago

I just laughed so loud and obnoxiously at this entire post. This is hilarious, especially when I think about my son. Loved this!!

rae 1 year ago

I love it . Its hilariousr

Callie Yaeger 1 year ago

DamnItPenis.

FTW. Ha!

cementmason12@hotmail.com 1 year ago

LMAO@ the title and picture to this article….LOVE Scary Mommy!

Mwins 2 years ago

Hilarious! I just take the easy way out and hook them on to educational games or any sort of video game really. As long they’re learning AND enjoying themselves without destroying something or hacking at my peace of mind. I can totally relate!

Becky 2 years ago

Totally funny and true! Whoever said 2s were terrible must not have met any 3-year-olds…

ThePioneerMom 2 years ago

Yes. You completely summed it up. Yes, yes, yes!! I have 4 year old twins and have had to play strict not-flexible-about-anything mom so they know I mean what I say. It’s been so hard. If I did that to an asshole boss…I’d be unemployed in an expedited fashion. Keep up the great work!

Valerie Edwards 2 years ago

I love this.

Catina 3 years ago

I love this, so true! I think I will read it every time my 3 year old bosses me around and think this too shall pass!

Amy 3 years ago

Mine’s the opposite, Valetta- he’s fine at home, but becomes Assholian out in public!

Valetta 3 years ago

Thank goodness, so other three year old are like this. My particular three year old tyrant is graceful, gentle and articulate in public and morphs into asshole boss one step inside the front door.

Carrie 3 years ago

I laughed so hard I almost peeped- cuz it is all so so true! With a bad day of potty training failures behind me, I really needed this laugh. Thanks!

Erika 3 years ago

I think we are spiritual soul Mammas…..EVERY bit of what I think daily with my three……

jeannine 3 years ago

Ditto on the snacks. Its so nice when they get old enough to get their own snacks.

JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

My kid turned four recently. Which means she graduated from being an asshole 3yo to being a tyrant 4yo. It’s like she got promoted from middle management and has let the power go to her head.

Gianna 3 years ago

Reminds me of the time my son licked the shopping cart handles and got the whole house sick. No date night for you!

Jodie 3 years ago

This made my whole day sparkle. And also, it made me fucking miserable. I have 2 year-old twins. The worst is yet to come and IT NEVER GETS BETTER.

Teri 3 years ago

I used to both an asshole boss and 2 – three year olds. You’re correct. They both sucked!!!

Laura 3 years ago

You just gained another reader. Freakin. Hilarious.

Virginia Llorca 3 years ago

My daughter works 12 hour shifts as a nurse. Went from 3 to 2 when baby arrived. Decided at 19 months to go back to 3. Way easier.

Heather @ Kraus House Mom 3 years ago

All day all they want are snacks. Make them wait for the meal, two bites and I’m full.

Kristen Brakeman 3 years ago

What’s funny is that I think I’ve gotten better at my job (and dealing with bosses) because of my experience with my 3-year olds! I always say, “I can handle so and so producer, because I have a child at home that acts just like him.”

Connie Lissner 3 years ago

Hysterical! Great observations. Now just wait until you get to observe a 16-year-old. I think they make even the asshole bosses look like nice guys.

Meredith @ The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears 3 years ago

3 year olds are most definitely assholes. That age is why I stopped at two kids. First child was awful at 3.** I thought “let’s try this again…surely it gets better.” Nope. 2nd was an even BIGGER asshole at 3.** Too scared that the third would be a preschool mini-Manson.

**I do not think my kids are assholes.

Twingle Mommy 3 years ago

Nu,ber 3 had me laughing so hard. The very first time my mom agreed to take the kids for the weekend, my son got sick. Oh and my liquor cabinet is well stocked, it’s how the kids stay alive. Lucky for me I have twin three year olds right now-double the assholes but double the messes. I mean love.

Sarah Schmermund 3 years ago

Love this!

At least the asshole boss is required to pay you, even through gritted teeth.

Tanya Storm 3 years ago

Yep, you nailed it. Except I ALWAYS make sure to have better shit in the house than flat champagne. Parenting requires this.

Sabrina Salas 3 years ago

Hahaha ! Well put ! When do boys or men grow up ? My husband reverts to Im sick I’m dying ! Me ? Babe I feel sick 2 ! No u don’t I have it WAY worse! At least my girls will heed the I told u so ! Well when their 30+ yrs old lol

Lynette 3 years ago

Love this post. My youngest just turned 2, but I went through this with the now 6y/o twins. How COULD I forget. Good times ahead!

Charlee 3 years ago

bosses…husbands….. ya I can say they are both equal to my 2 year old….all work no credit and If I can’t get something done it is all my fault while they sit and watch the game, or mickey mouse.

cmk 3 years ago

OMG..so funny. 3 yr old fact 4 had me laughing out loud. at work. but my boss is cool. thankfully.

Alicia 3 years ago

So true. All that time in the office prepared me perfectly for parenthood! I just didn’t think of it this way. Thank you, Dr. 😉

KellyW 3 years ago

*Assholian

Anna 3 years ago

I just got so excited when I realized that my three year old is about to turn 4 in just two weeks!! And then I remembered that the youngest is about to turn three in just two weeks… :(

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes 3 years ago

Well I have had an horrible boss or two and I currently have a three year old. Therefore I’m highly qualified to confirm your findings.

Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? 3 years ago

God I needed this. Yes!! It is so right. I never put the pieces together because I’m no scientist. Just today I explained the phenomenon of breakfast, breakfast snack, post-breakfast snack snack and pre-lunch snack. They’re like locusts. Asshole Boss Locusts.

Jenny 3 years ago

Okay, you’re bang on. I used to compare mine to an abusive spouse. I’d love him no matter what he did to me. I like the boss analogy much, much better.

KellyW 3 years ago

Asshoulian. I think this may be my new favorite word.

Susan 3 years ago

yup, toddlers are bad CEOs. good thing most of them are cute and have *that* thing (mine’s is his laugh and that he looks/acts like me) that prevents you from quitting the momma gig.

Denise 3 years ago

Amen sister to every single sentence. I joke to my husband that his job is a vacation compared to mine (staying home with beasts). I tell him his bosses don’t yell at him all day and that I am pretty sure I have PSTD from my bosses. Lol

Tiffany 3 years ago

Thanks for this. I get so sick of hearing that we must ALWAYS think of our kids with a warm, fuzzy, bokah outlook. Ugh! 3 yr olds suck!

Jessica 3 years ago

I’ve been through three of these bosses and currently have another, he is totally running the house while the rest of the prior bosses look at him like he is crazy. And he is.

Melissa 3 years ago

I thought the “terrible 2’s” were bad. Now we’re into the “tryannical 3’s” and it’s much worse. This post describes my life.

Meredith 3 years ago

Bethany, you had me with your bio, but I loved the rest of this post two. The vagina kicks! Why, oh why, must it always be the vagina? Throw in how every pee is a group affair, and I’ve officially ceased to have any private space.

kristi 3 years ago

My boss is a major asshole and my kids….I sometimes wanna smack ’em! :)

Andie 3 years ago

Hilarious!!

Queen of the Couch 3 years ago

I cannot stop laughing and I’ve read this three times already. This may be the best analogy of a three year old I’ve ever seen.

My Half Assed Life 3 years ago

The only one I would add is that both the three year old and the boss believe you are doing nothing all day but waiting to instantly fulfill their latest demand, no matter how ridiculous the demand is.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

This is gold: “Don’t even think of going to put on real pants until they’ve had breakfast, breakfast snack, post-breakfast snack snack and pre-lunch snack.”

Lord I do despise dealing with 3yos.

Amy J. 3 years ago

My husband and I have had a Baby/Toddler as bad CEO running joke for years, citing many of these same scientific facts. Laughter is key to getting through parenthood!

Kim at Let Me Start By Saying 3 years ago

I’ve had this boss twice already. They refused to fire me, since I read the BEST bedtime stories to them each night.
Every one of those items is accurate. *high five*

Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments 3 years ago

Chantelle, you just made my day. Even as I type this, I’m surrounded by tiny assholes. 😉

Chantelle 3 years ago

BEST. POST. EVVVVEERRRRRR. lol

MILF Runner 3 years ago

As I sit here waiting for my asshole boss – I mean, three-yr old to finally get the FUCK out of the car, I am nodding in agreement to each and every point. My own scientific research with four additional specimens confirms your hypothesis. Now seeing and proving repeatability, we can now call it a THEORY.

Kathy at kissing the frog 3 years ago

Rubbed my face on the kid with pink eye – snort! Loved this! My 18 month old is totally my boss right now. A little less asshole, but still…

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

Your analogy is perfect – you keep waiting for them both to grow up and pull their own weight, but at least you know the three year old is qualified for the job! Man, I’m glad I don’t work in an office anymore. **gives virtual finger to past bosses, smooches current boss on the head**

Toulouse 3 years ago

You know, my oldest is 5 and I’d sorta forgotten about this “asshole boss” phase. Not that he doesn’t act like my asshole boss now…it’s just not quite as assholian as it once was. On the other hand, I do have a baby that’s turning a year old soon so there’s that. Another asshole boss on the way.
Thank you for making me laugh out loud today!

Jen at PIWTPITT.com 3 years ago

So glad I don’t have a boss or a 3 year old anymore, because this is so true. Both are total assholes and I can’t believe I never noticed that before.

Keesha 3 years ago

Bethany! I loved this. Everything you said is the God’s honest truth. Love the $5 Olive Garden gift card bonus and the voodoo doll. And yeah, every single time I make fun plans someone gets super sick – kids have some kind of sixth sick sense of their own!

Paige Kellerman 3 years ago

The snacks, oh heaven help me, the snacks. Snacks after breakfast, lunch, dinner, 4am. Will the snacking cease and desist??? Nope, probably not. Spot on, my friend! But, you’re right, I leeerve my babies way more than that cranky ass who used to be my boss.

HouseTalkN 3 years ago

I have seen the “fuck you” face on my children so many times! This is so funny and yet, so true!

Stephanie 3 years ago

HAAAA!!! Damn, that’s funny. And true.

Jenelle W. 3 years ago

So true. At least the 3-year-olds grow up and change, which is not always a good thing…